I've been really wanting to be dead for awhile now. Say 2 or 3 years. I mean really want to. I always say to myself, I just can't right now. It would be a very inopportune time. Maybe after this concert or this semester. After I get my license or get into college. After the crazy exam in AP Calculus. That's when. Wait, but next week I am needed here and then after that, there. I don't know if I'm making excuses and something inside me doesn't want to die, which is hard to believe. Perhaps I can be reasonable in that regard. I am perhaps the worst suicidal person in the history of the world. I have attempted twice. Obviously failed at that. But beside that, I don't like to hurt people. Death hurts. Maybe not so much for the one who dies, but for those who are left behind. I hate myself so being so aware of that. It so fucking stupid. Why can't I just die? Why? Geez. I have been left behind 6 times in 17 years. All of them in the last 6 years. So I need help. How do you survive in the space between? You want to die, but you can't. How can I live with this agony? And on the worse days, how can I live without being able to feel anything?