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Want to die, but I just can't right now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacey, Sep 20, 2011.

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  1. Jacey

    Jacey Member

    I've been really wanting to be dead for awhile now. Say 2 or 3 years. I mean really want to.

    I always say to myself, I just can't right now.
    It would be a very inopportune time. Maybe after this concert or this semester. After I get my license or get into college. After the crazy exam in AP Calculus. That's when. Wait, but next week I am needed here and then after that, there.

    I don't know if I'm making excuses and something inside me doesn't want to die, which is hard to believe. Perhaps I can be reasonable in that regard. I am perhaps the worst suicidal person in the history of the world. I have attempted twice. Obviously failed at that. But beside that, I don't like to hurt people.

    Death hurts. Maybe not so much for the one who dies, but for those who are left behind. I hate myself so being so aware of that. It so fucking stupid. Why can't I just die? Why? Geez.

    I have been left behind 6 times in 17 years. All of them in the last 6 years.

    So I need help.

    How do you survive in the space between? You want to die, but you can't.

    How can I live with this agony? And on the worse days, how can I live without being able to feel anything?
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are stronger than you think. You are perhaps subconsciously looking for very valid reasons to live. And then interpreting this as weakness - you are strong and want to live despite the agony.

    What causes the agony?
  3. Jacey

    Jacey Member

    I honestly don't know. I wish I did. I just feel so bad and then I feel nothing. I want to say it hurts to feel nothing, but at the time, it's great.

    Forget it. Life is so not worth it anymore.

    Sorry for wasting time, this is just meaningless.

    Hope you have better luck.

  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Which concerts do you attend?
    What are you doing at college?
    These are reasons, things you like, things that could lead to positive change.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not wasting anyones time hun i can so relate to what you are saying
    I stay because i too do not and will not cause others pain and dying will only cause people around me to suffer
    I know the pain of being left behind it is hell pure hell and to do that to someone else no but living is hard i know that too. You need to keep busy okay Get doing something so each day is full of being busy not feeling and not thinking I do hope you can get on some meds to help you as well and some therapy as i have it helps me to think more clearly what path i need to take in order that this pain is not passed on. hugs
  6. Jacey

    Jacey Member

    Can't believe I'm still alive right now.

    Need to clarify. I'm the band captain and a senior in high school.
    School concerts. Things I need to do.

    I am constantly busy and that helps a lot.

    My band director asked me what fun was on Monday. I told him I didn't know.

    I almost don't. I just want to get better. I want to go one day without wanting to kill myself. To feel a reason to live. I suppose right now that is my reason to not jump in front of a bus right now. I know I wouldn't fail then. I want to feel.

    This sucks.
    I bought a box full of sleep aids. It's my back up plan. I'll just take them all and say goodbye.

    But I can't hurt them. Not now. Perhaps between high school and college.

    Whatever, I don't care. Just fill me with something. Drugs preferably. Thanks.

    In college, I'll be able to see a pdoc. I guess I just have to make until then.

    I just got my license on Monday and I can't help to think about driving off a bridge.

    Hope you guys have a better day.
    - Jacey
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun why wait go see a pdoc now hun get on some meds so you can feel again okay so you are not so dam depressed Congrats on getting your license hun but please don't drive if you think you will harm yourself and others in the process. Get help now don't wait hugs
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