want to die, but theres no way out...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by fullofpain, Feb 24, 2010.

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  1. fullofpain

    fullofpain Member

    I have wanted to die since the age of 12. I am now 45. So many times Ive planned my death and so many times Ive backed out. Not because im scared.
    But because I have four children. Three have left home so I just have my 11 year old with me.

    Im in constant agony with depression which is compounded by the fact that I have no job and am soon to be evicted (unlawfully) by my rental agent. Every day is a stuggle and I cant even kill myself because my children would be devistated. I HAVE to live, at least untill my youngest has left home....and even then.. it would be too much for them to bear.

    So what do I do? I have to keep living this waste of a life because im stuck here. I have no hope of peace at all. Im just STUCK and its killing me. I just wish I could die. Please do not mention "God" or "Jesus" in your replies. Ive prayed and prayed, but have never gotten help. In fact, most of the time things just get worse.

    Can I kill myself? Would it be "selfish" to do so? Personally, I think people who say you are selfish to consider suicide are selfish themselves. Im sure they could not handle the pain I go through on a daily basis, and I should be allowed to die.
  2. Shattered Soldier

    Shattered Soldier Well-Known Member

    Your dilemma is very similar to mine. I'm 33 years old, jobless, and quickly running out of money. When it comes down to it, I'm only staying around because my family would be devastated to see me go. I've tried everything to try to get rid of the burden of depression from doctors, psychiatrists, support groups, abusing drugs, quitting drugs, and yes, praying. None of it seems to work. What I'm trying to do now is to reprogram myself into thinking that death is not an option for me, just getting the thought out of my head so I will no longer be obsessed with it. Its only been a short period of time since I began to do this so I don't know if it is working. Another thing I have done is started posting on this forum to let other people know that they there are other people out there who feel just as lost. There seems to be no answer to "what do I do about my problem with life?" I'm glad you came here and posted your message, every time I find somebody with a similar story to mine it just seems to make things a little bit more tolerable. I'm sure that you'll find that you'll meet alot of good, caring people here. This is very mature forum, the members here really don't play around when it comes to our thoughts and feelings. Just wanted to let you know that your post touched me.

  3. fullofpain

    fullofpain Member

    Thankyou for your reply shattered soldier. I hope that you find a job soon and that one day you overcome your depression. I wont pray for you, as it is pointless but I will think of you and hope you get well.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I have a very similar story to you....I have fought suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager and stayed around for my 4 children....I'm 56.....still here with the help of the right meds..
    I've recently lost my son to suicide and am again fighting thoughts of wanting to join him..I am alone now with the only person who bothered about me gone but still I'm here?...
    I can tell you the pain your children will suffer if you go this way is indescribable....they will bear the pain of suicide for the rest of their lives....
    my other children would hardly notice i was gone ......2 don't talk to me and the other is so far away and too busy...
    You still have a young child who needs you especially heading into the teenage years....
    I'm sorry you're suffering with this awful illness......do you take meds or have therapy?
    these meds obviously help me and so has a lot of cognitive behaviour therapy...
    I hope you find a way to ease your pain even if it's talking on here....
    take care..
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