I am feeling so suicidal tonight. I hate my job and always come home in tears. I'm terrified of being around people, hate the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness it brings up in me because I can't befriend anyone or focus well enough to do my job (thanks to damn psychiatric medications, lyme disease, and depression in general). I can't quit or work less because I already barely afford rent, and am dipping into my savings every month. I have a terrible relationship with my parents so I won't move back with them. I am so alone, my boyfriend tries but he can't really help me because he is too upset by my pain and panics, and he needs some space from it. I can hardly function - I mess up everything. I've lost most of my friends. I make life very difficult for my boyfriend. I can hardly work, and its agonizing for me. I've quit school. I'm a musician and my memory/anxiety make it very difficult to play live shows; plus my inspiration has evaporated because I'm in so much pain - its beyond expression. I'm miserable and would rather be dead than live everyday in this pain, so why should I live? I'm useless, I've let down everybody including myself, and don't enjoy life. The only reason I'm alive is for my mom, who would suffer immensely if I died. But I'm getting to the point where I can barely hold back. I so desperately want to avoid my responsibilities - work, music, and even just socializing and pretending to have fun - that I've been contemplating hurting myself very badly, enough to become disabled for awhile but not kill me. Like overdose, or purposely crash a car, so I'm in the hospital for a few days, or on crutches or something. All just to avoid everything else in life. Its ridiculous but true.