want to die, considering severly hurting myself..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by elvinchild, Jul 22, 2009.

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  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I am feeling so suicidal tonight. I hate my job and always come home in tears. I'm terrified of being around people, hate the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness it brings up in me because I can't befriend anyone or focus well enough to do my job (thanks to damn psychiatric medications, lyme disease, and depression in general). I can't quit or work less because I already barely afford rent, and am dipping into my savings every month. I have a terrible relationship with my parents so I won't move back with them. I am so alone, my boyfriend tries but he can't really help me because he is too upset by my pain and panics, and he needs some space from it.

    I can hardly function - I mess up everything. I've lost most of my friends. I make life very difficult for my boyfriend. I can hardly work, and its agonizing for me. I've quit school. I'm a musician and my memory/anxiety make it very difficult to play live shows; plus my inspiration has evaporated because I'm in so much pain - its beyond expression.

    I'm miserable and would rather be dead than live everyday in this pain, so why should I live? I'm useless, I've let down everybody including myself, and don't enjoy life. The only reason I'm alive is for my mom, who would suffer immensely if I died.

    But I'm getting to the point where I can barely hold back. I so desperately want to avoid my responsibilities - work, music, and even just socializing and pretending to have fun - that I've been contemplating hurting myself very badly, enough to become disabled for awhile but not kill me. Like overdose, or purposely crash a car, so I'm in the hospital for a few days, or on crutches or something. All just to avoid everything else in life. Its ridiculous but true.
     
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Im not going to say things will get better because what do I know, but I know and feel like you do sometimes. Trapped in this endless cycle of time, and expectations. And just knowing you can never turn back time. Im miserable too, I don't even know what can make me happy anymore. The best happiness Ive gotten from life is when I meet a new girl that is interested in me, but it all turns to crap when I mess things up by how awkward I become. It's happened many times but I still fall back unto my own mistake of which is anxiety. I can't seem to open up... because to be honest I have nothing to show. Im lifeless, which leads to the feelings of loneliness, low self confidence and worthlessness and being afraid of change. By the way what instrument/s do you play? I play bass guitar and played piano before but I stopped and focused on bass guitar more; it is one thing I love doing. I probably wouldve killed myself if it weren't for music. I think it's cool you can play live, that's one of my dreams. We'll be okay
     
  3. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there.. i jus wanted 2 say that i read ur post and i really do understand where ur coming from as im sure alot of ppl here do..
    instead of hurting urself 2 get a few days off from everything could u get some time off work..mabye owed holiday time?or even go 2 the doctor and explain how ur feeling and get a sick note for a few weeks?
    :hug:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I agree go to your doctor and get sick leave for awhile then go to the hospital and ask them to give you help. Get admitted so they can get you on the right medications to helpwith your anxiety and depression. Don't hurt yourself please Crisis team emergency will help you get your life back and if the doctor gives you sick leave no one will be bad. take care
     
  5. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Angelo - I play piano and sing. I really feel pretty lifeless too. But then there are the times that I'm so overwhelmed with powerful emotions that I lose control and do something rash... whether it be to hurt myself or speak bitter words that I will regret to people I love.

    I'm sure I could get time off from work. But I feel guilty, like I'm weak in some way, if I just take it off without any super obvious crisis. If something awful happens to me... then people will concretely see there's a real problem. I feel like its the only way to communicate my pain, and I'd feel so stupid just taking the time off.

    I'm terrified of going to a hospital. I took medication for a year and it just numbed my emotions and made me feel sick and tired all the time, and destroyed my memory so work, music, and socializing was even harder. But I'm trying a natural approach now. I got some tests done and my neurotransmitters are definitely imbalanced (depression), as well as my cortisol is super high ("fight or flight" feeling, panic, irritability, alertness), and I have very reactive lyme disease (was treated twice, but it didn't really work, its probably in my brain now). So I have some hope. I just don't know how confident I am it'll work.
     
  6. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: just wanted to let you know i'm here if you wanted to talk :heart: triggs xx
     
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