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Want to die. Please reply

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheStressMess, Dec 29, 2012.

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  1. TheStressMess

    TheStressMess Member


    I have severe anxiety and spend so much of my time worrying and obsessing over everything.

    Last year my obsession was that I was going to be randomly mistakenly identified and put into jail forever for something I did not do... or killed by a murderer who thought I was someone he/she wanted to kill... it was a living hell, I told no one because I feared of being labeled as crazy.

    The year after that I feared that something bad was going to happen and I kept obsessing over things that could have happened. Luckily these thoughts calmed down and went away and I can't remember how I got the thoughts to go away but they went away. Thank God

    Now my OCD is back and now Its making me think I'm a child molester because of an incident that happened 6 yrs ago. Well 6 yrs ago I was 14 and my mom's friend daughter who 3 or 4 tried to hump my leg and I allowed her to do so, She also touched my breast and I let her. However, I felt that it was wrong and I told her to stop and I felt so bad because I felt sort of aroused in the same time she did those thing after that happen I forgot about it and moved on and never allowed that behavior ever again. Now 6 yrs later, my ocd flares up and is now worried that I am child molestor and a monster, I feel so bad because I should have told an adult. I hate child molestors and believe they should be punished, I feel so guilty, and then I start to think other disturbing thoughts that I know I did not do, but this OCD is just eating me alive. My mind is turning everything around, my mind is making me believe that their was an hidden camera in the room and her mom saw what her daughter did and I didn't report it to her which is gonna lead her to think I am a molestor although I never touched her inappropriately, ever. And on top of all of this, I feel the need to confess, so I confessed to my mother and she said we all make mistakes and to forget about it? Am I child molestor? Am I a bad person? This mind of mine is eating me up.

    I always seems to worry when one worry goes away another one comes. What should I do? I feel like also harmed someone with knowing or remembering. When I google Ocd thoughts, I read other people stories and relate to them all so much. Im not suicidal yet, but I feel it coming because I view death as a relief, I don't know what else to do... this is miserable.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Of course you are not a child molestor and the little girl was just testing her sexuality, either that or had been molested by an adult and was copying learnt behaviour.

    As to all this worry, I wonder if there is something you have suppressed and the mind is converting the worry or horror of that incident onto other things :unsure:
    If you have a therapist tell them what's happening, if you haven't, get one.
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Humpin your leg, huh. I would laugh it off and chalk it up to pre-pubescent horniness.
  4. TheStressMess

    TheStressMess Member

    I appreciate you both for your replies. However, I found myself a little horny at 14... but yet, I could still never molest any child... I just have these disturbing thoughts in my head that seems so real, I feel like the whole incident, was recorded by a hidden camera and soon it will be shown and I will be labeled as a child molestor, when really I'm not, I have thoughts of just about every bad thing, it's deep inside I know these thoughts isn't true but yet my mind says "they're real" . I'm paranoid 80% of the time and spend most of my time alone in my ROOM Just THINKING and over analyzing. I want God's help but it seems as if he's upset with me... I been thinking about death so much lately it would be a big relief... I just know I'm a bad person and I just know it wont get better.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It will get better with right therapist the right doctor meds hun you can get those thoughts undercontrol you can learn to let the thoughts go and not let them have any power over you
  6. nobody_important

    nobody_important Account Closed

    You aren't a bad person. And if the room was "bugged" the vid would've already surfaced, of that you can be positive. I do think you need help, but hey, so do I. You'll be alright, just stay in Gods word and tell yourself often "I AM A GOOD PERSON!!" and eventually you'll believe what you're saying
  7. TheStressMess

    TheStressMess Member

    Thank you guys for your replies all of you are a big help. @Nobody_Important Thanks a lot. The whole hidden camera thing was a thought that surfaced throughout the thought... I hope this goes away, because I don't want to keep believing these thoughts are real... This happenes 6 years ago and all of sudden when my aunt's friends mentioned about molestation a week ago, I've been obsessing over it, the first few days, wasn't that bad. However, by the day the the thoughts became crucial, unrealistic, and pathetic. I just want a peace of mind again... I really hate to go to sleep at night because then I know the morning is going to be filled with worry and anxiety and thoughts. I wish I never wake up sometimes. At night is my only releif. However, I. t ha nk y ou all for showing care.
  8. TheStressMess

    TheStressMess Member

    Will this ever go away? like the previous worries.
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