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want to die too scared to try

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GirlWithTheSunInHerHead, Mar 6, 2008.

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  1. i'm new here and i have been thinking about dying alot. it's really kind of ironic because at the same time i'm afraid to die. i have major panic disorder and when i have an anxiety attack and think i'm dying i freak out and run to the hospital trying to save myself. yet at the same time when i'm calm i just want to end it all. i can't figure it out.

    i feel like my life is over. i'm too old. too fat. i used to be thin and pretty and popular. but i've gotten so depressed over time i've lost everything that was ever important to me. boyfriends. friends. my looks. i sit day after day and don't do anything. i just lost my job which wasn't fair and the union and i are fighting it but the hearing isn't for almost six months which doesn't matter even to me right now because i'm content to just lay around. i have severe depression (wow this is the first time i've admitted it, even to myself).

    i've taken antidepressants and they scare me. i don't ever feel like they improve me. they improve the panic attacks, but not the feeling of emptiness and numbess.

    i try to adopt a healthier lifestyle, thinking i will lose weight and look pretty again and maybe someone will date me. but then i remember that i'm not in my twenties anymore and by the time you are in your mid thirties all the good guys are taken. all i am left with is ''perpetual good time single guys'', ''weirdos'', and ''ugly old guys''. i usually date guys in their twenties because they appeal to me with their lack of baggage and youth (in my head i still feel like i am 25 so i somehow think i belong with them). deep down i know they are just with me temporarily to get their 'older woman experience' or so i feel. doesn't matter anyways, i push them all away with my psychoticness in the end.

    my ex just got married and he's rich and i'm poor. my kids would probably be better off being raised by him and his polite prim and proper superwife. i seem to be shit compared to the two of them.

    i eye my pills every day. i dont know if i can do it. i'm afraid of the transition between life and death. but the thought of forever peace in an urn, and it just seems so simple. i don't like the thought of getting older and withering away, having wrinkles, being a fricking insane cat lady, with no cats mind you.


    that's my story. i'm glad i found this place. i could never tell ANYONE these things. they would fricking panic and judge me, try to convert me to jesus again, or ignore me. and i'm talking about all three of my friends. my mom and two brothers. they are all i have. (i'd never tell this to my two children of course)

    i wish i could find some sort of universal spiritual thing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2008
  2. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, there's not always an easy way out. Your goal of losing weight sounds like a viable one. But then where will you be? Sometimes we just have to deal with what's being thrown at us. The world is a competitive place and there's not much room for peace. If you can find it, you're lucky, and it's probably a long way off.
  3. ColdSummer

    ColdSummer Well-Known Member

    Well welcome to SF. :) I read your story and it seems like you're putting too much time and worry into your looks. I think you should focus on the rest of your life before you even think about men and dating. It's like almost impossible to find a guy when you're actually "looking" desperately. Anyway I'll shut it. and welcome again :) ever need to talk or vent, just PM me.
  4. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    It's not easy growing old, you get a little fatter or greyer, or slower, you can't stop the effects of time, you can mearley mask its effects.
    As for losing weight, exercise and a balanced diet, good for the body and sometimes good for the mind. Try not to dwell on the past, you can't be that person anymore, be the person you are, try and stop worrying how you look, i know it's not easy, everyone wants to look 25.

    I'm 41 and none of the above.:tongue:
  5. i know i'm obsessed with how i look. i based my whole life on my looks from the time i was young. it was alway important to my mother that i look exceptionally perfect. so i thought no matter how stupid or smart or rich or poor you are, as long as you are pretty than you are successful. i totally grew up like this. and now it's biting me in the ass. it was weird though because i always secretly thought i was so gorgeous yet at the same time i thought i was also ugly as sin. i used to get drunk and scratch my face up. i guess it all boils down to the fact i've been very insecure all my life. and it's so weird now. i used to model and i can take a really great photograph. like today i could sit in front of a camera and look perfect. but what i really look like in real life is horrible. so if i'm online on myspace or facebook, all my friends and strangers think i look great, but if they really saw my body or the condition of my face they would puke. i'm living this huge lie. accepting compliments that aren't even based on reality. in reality i'm hiding in my house because i'm afraid to go out to the store because everyone will look at me and stare because i'm hideous.

    and it just gets worse and worse and worse. the years fly by and it all falls apart. i hate that people say 'well you are older you will get fatter and uglier'. i dont WANT TO! but i never change. i look at all my old diaries over the last 15 years and it's always the same. need to diet. need to diet. even when i was 100lbs i needed to 'diet'. you are right my whole life revolves around my looks. that much i know. i know i dont live my life because i'm not perfect. i would rather be dead than live at this point because i have no life at all.

    the question is how do you change something so ingrained into your head? where the hell do you go from here? i've been to psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors etc. but... i can't tell them what i am telling you here it's too embarrassing. and even if i did. what can you do to take the focus off something you have deemed so important all your life?

    i can't take it anymore.
  6. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Going to a medical professional could really help you change that thought pattern. You have to tell them how you really feel or else they cant help you. As far as being your story being embarrassing, trust me when I tell you that they have heard a lot worse then what your telling us. To them its normal and wont make them think less of you.
  7. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I agree with [almost easy] that psychiatric doctors won't think less of you if you tell them your deepest dark regrets. In fact, they'd probably encourage you to keep spilling your guts, because it's their job. But, after saying that, I don't think telling them the cold hard truth is something you should necessarily do. If you don't think they'll be able to relate to you, don't bother. You won't want to end up shrugging off a reaction from them such as "well, so you're paranoid? Maybe we should try another medication" or "well that's not something that should interfere with your life." That will just leave you feeling worse, thinking "well, maybe they're just saying that, maybe I am too ugly to accomplish anything, maybe my life is broken forever." My point is that psychiatric doctors have to be neutral. They can't be your friend, and they can't comfort you. They can only try their best to help you help yourself. As for your looks, the more dissatisfied you are with your looks, the more paranoid you will become. My last psychiatrist was young and very attractive, and has a great smile, but a couple of times I have noticed that she has some spots on her skin that aren't always covered up. They don't make her look horrible, just not as good as usual. But her charm more than makes up for it. None of us will ever be perfect, but you can look perfect to some people by taking care of yourself and taking advantage of your strengths. If you have a nice body, voice, eyes, skin, or anything else that you like about your physical self, be proud of them. If you don't like anything about yourself, it's just depression, and once you've conquer that, you will see your true beauty again. The pdocs are there to help you with depression, not transform you into a famous model.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2008
  8. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    Why would you want to diet on 100 lbs? I don't understand.

    But if it's how you feel about life, I mean, it's how you feel.
  9. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry you're at such a low point right now. I've suffered from severe depression and panic disorder for the past two years as well -- it's a living hell, I know. I hope SF can help! :hug:
  10. thanks for your replies.

    actually just spilling this straight out without lying or hiding it to everyone here and not worrying about being judged (even if i am, it doesn't matter because i'm anonymous), has helped me alot. these are secrets i don't tell anyone because i'm embarrassed. not sure if i want to see anyone yet.

    i still feel like life sucks and it's not even worth it to live and i just want it to be over. but in the meantime i've got alot to think about. writing stuff out helps alot especially if you reread everything and let it sink in. stuff you never wanted to even admit to yourself.

    about wanting to lose weight at 100lbs. i have an eating disorder. i could never be skinny enough. i have been bulimic since i was 16. it doesnt 'work' anymore. my guts are rotten now because of throwing up for so long. i have horrible digestion problems and that probably has alot to do with the rerason why i'm overweight now.
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