i'm new here and i have been thinking about dying alot. it's really kind of ironic because at the same time i'm afraid to die. i have major panic disorder and when i have an anxiety attack and think i'm dying i freak out and run to the hospital trying to save myself. yet at the same time when i'm calm i just want to end it all. i can't figure it out. i feel like my life is over. i'm too old. too fat. i used to be thin and pretty and popular. but i've gotten so depressed over time i've lost everything that was ever important to me. boyfriends. friends. my looks. i sit day after day and don't do anything. i just lost my job which wasn't fair and the union and i are fighting it but the hearing isn't for almost six months which doesn't matter even to me right now because i'm content to just lay around. i have severe depression (wow this is the first time i've admitted it, even to myself). i've taken antidepressants and they scare me. i don't ever feel like they improve me. they improve the panic attacks, but not the feeling of emptiness and numbess. i try to adopt a healthier lifestyle, thinking i will lose weight and look pretty again and maybe someone will date me. but then i remember that i'm not in my twenties anymore and by the time you are in your mid thirties all the good guys are taken. all i am left with is ''perpetual good time single guys'', ''weirdos'', and ''ugly old guys''. i usually date guys in their twenties because they appeal to me with their lack of baggage and youth (in my head i still feel like i am 25 so i somehow think i belong with them). deep down i know they are just with me temporarily to get their 'older woman experience' or so i feel. doesn't matter anyways, i push them all away with my psychoticness in the end. my ex just got married and he's rich and i'm poor. my kids would probably be better off being raised by him and his polite prim and proper superwife. i seem to be shit compared to the two of them. i eye my pills every day. i dont know if i can do it. i'm afraid of the transition between life and death. but the thought of forever peace in an urn, and it just seems so simple. i don't like the thought of getting older and withering away, having wrinkles, being a fricking insane cat lady, with no cats mind you. *sigh* that's my story. i'm glad i found this place. i could never tell ANYONE these things. they would fricking panic and judge me, try to convert me to jesus again, or ignore me. and i'm talking about all three of my friends. my mom and two brothers. they are all i have. (i'd never tell this to my two children of course) i wish i could find some sort of universal spiritual thing.