want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nofriends, Dec 3, 2013.

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  1. Nofriends

    Nofriends Member

    Today I am having a bad day it seems. I am sitting here wishing I was no longer alive. I want to <mod edit - methods> as I tried twice previously with pills and failed
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2013
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are feeling so low- what has gotten you to this point?
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted to say hi and welcome. Hope you'll stay and talk to us about what's brought you to this point.
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Nofriends,

    (By the way -- your user id is now false ---you have a whole community of friends here!!) Welcome to the forums, I dont think we've met before. I have been in this awful place you are describing, was there just last night in fact. Most of us have been to this place -- the thing is, the people here want to help pull you back out of that pit of despair when you're there. We need a lil help from you too though :) , just need you to be open to us. Talk to us a lil. Listen to and consider what we have to say. It can't really hurt you to do so, can it? I mean really, if it doesn't work, you still have the opportunity to go through with whatever you are planning/thinking.... but what if we can help you see a way to create a better life for yourself, or to at least get started on that journey. Wouldn't that be even better? Isn't it worth the risk of trying for? Especially since there really is no risk in trying? Tell us a lil about yourself... what got you to this place, and what triggered you recently. Why do you feel that you aren't worthy of life anymore? What's going on?

    To tell you the truth though.... I believe everyone is worthy of life and is important. Why? They are important because everytime any one of us interacts with, talks to, passes by, or crosses paths with another person, we impact that other person. It may be a small impact, or a large impact, but it is an impact. Impacts cause slight changes. Those changes cause ripple effects that cause more changes. This world needs a helluva lot of changing.... therefore, everyone is important because we need all the changes we can get.

    I also strongly believe we all deserve to see our "moments". Not just any moments... but the ones described in this saying on a plaque i keep hanging on my wall behind my computer: Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
    Think about that. After all the pain you've had in life... wouldn't it be ashame to miss just one moment that was so GOOD it took your breath away?

    These are reasons I can apply to anyone as to why they should live....even why they deserve to live. I'm sure I could find more for you, once I get to know you... so tell me a little about yourself?

    I look forward to hearing from you.... take care and be good to yourself.
  5. Nofriends

    Nofriends Member

    Thanks for the response. I am honestly not sure what exactly brought me to this point. More like a combination of things that lead me to here. Guess the years of mental abuse by my father keep rearing up and then I look at where I am at and think maybe he was right. Recently the feelings of ending it all etc have been up and down over the past 2-3 months. Then today I am sitting at work and wanted to start crying then from there it went to the feeling of ending it all and saying goodbye to this life.

    Sorry it is short, I am not good at writing how I feel or expressing feelings
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Never apologize for saying how you feel. It doesn't matter if it takes 2 words to sum it up , or 2000... you say what you want, as much as you want... and get it out there in the open, and it helps both you and those trying to help you heal. Nothing to apologize for. Thank you for sharing.

    I too was mentally and emotionally abused by my father from the ages of 12 to 18 .... others have added to it a bit since then. This is a list of some of the things I've been told about myself.

    I'm a quitter
    I'm no good
    I'll never amount to anything
    I am a disappointment to my mother (mom was deceased by then, said by my father)
    I'm a bitch
    I don't know how to treat others and therefore should not be around anyone ever
    I am a failure

    Also adding to mental abuse ... my husband will occassionally rush me with weapon in hand, until he literally comes within an inch of impact ... then stop

    I understand the scars that "invisible abuse" causes. Do you have anyone you can trust that you can tell about this abuse? Are you still living with your father? Does it still go on? Are others also abusing you now?

    The words your father spoke to you, whatever they were... if they were abusive.. there was NOTHING right about them at all... but I do understand the self doubt and self loathing they cause..... just know that voice you hear, its not really your own, its your father's trying to trick you into believing his words... don't give him that power, you are stronger than that, or you wouldn't be reaching out now.

    Are you safe now?
  7. Nofriends

    Nofriends Member

    Thanks for the understanding. I talk to my wife about it but I think it is hard for her to understand it. She has to talk to my mother a lot to get a full understanding of what happened. My wife was the first person I mentioned my suicide attempts too outside my family. My dad died in 2002 before we could really hash out the issues that made it where we did not speak for many years. I am 40 now and still have remember him saying them like it was yesterday. I am working and going to school fulltime and I am always trying to do my best then I think of what he said and will start doubting myself and then comes the urge to give school up
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