Want to Die!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Amanda, Jun 3, 2015.

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  1. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    I relapsed last week on drugs and alcohol after having nearly four months of clean time... The most time I had ever had since I started drinking and using. I feel so ashamed, I feel like I am a worthless person and that my life is never going to get any better and I just want to get some [METHOD] and end my miserable excuse for a life. I just hate myself so much right now. I dont know what to do, and I dont know what I want to do. The only thing that would make me happy is if I were suffering and dying in the hospital.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello my great friend!! I have missed you. There is no need to feel ashamed or worthless, being addicted to drugs and alcohol is also an illness. You went nearly four months without using that shows great and superb determination and strength. You can get back on track again, are you still going to the AA/NA meetings, are they still helpful there? I think you're such a great person with a huge heart and you do not deserve this suffering. Please don't do anything silly because you can and will get back on track. May I ask what was it that made you give in to drugs and alcohol (the relapse) ? Keep us updated because we care.
  3. Travsmate

    Travsmate Member

    Hi Amanda.

    It's really sad to read this and I understand that after achieving something for so long it must of been devastating to backtrack but definitely don't believe that anything has defeated you. Four months is an excellent effort and you should be proud of, The fact that you are trying is something that is extremely positive.

    My best advice is get back on the horse as soon as possible while you can still feed off that energy and it can only make you determined to succeed more.

    All the best to you.
  4. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    I just got out of the hospital...
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    What happened Amanda?! How are you feeling?
  6. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    I posted a suicidal message to my Facebook wall and someone called the ambulance. And I figured they were coming so I walked away from home so as not to be there when they arrive. Ironically I went up to the hospital to visit a friend. The police found me at the hospital and took me into custody. I was seen by mental health and a doctor and they kept me overnight and I saw my psychiatrist in the morning and she let me go home.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I see. And how are you feeling now hun? Did the relapse cause the suicidal thoughts to come back? You've done this before and you can do it again :) Such a beautiful person as yourself doesn't deserve this pain and suffering. Are you still having suicidal thoughts Amanda?

    SF cares about you and is here for you, good luck :hugs:
  8. Starting Over

    Starting Over Active Member


    I think you should focus on your accomplishment-being sober for four months! For many people who have substance abuse problems, it can take many attempts to become sober indefinitely. And even if you do continue to relapse every now and again, that still does not diminish the time you were sober. Nobody is perfect, and you are at least taking a step in the right direction by trying! Life can and will get better but you have to give it time and weather these rough periods. And obviously people do care about you. I've never even met you and I felt compelled to create an account on here today just to tell you :D

    I hope you are feeling a little better! And if not, feel free to reach out!
  9. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    Hey Petal,

    Yes for the most part the relapse did cause the suicidal thoughts to come back. I mean they never really left but when I was sober it was much easier to keep them under control, now that I have to start my sobriety count over again things seemed to have gotten out of hand. The police came for me on Saturday night too but that time they didnt take me to the hospital they just came and had a chat with me about how I was feeling and left me to my own devices... I had a good friend there with me that night and he assured the police that he would keep me safe, so I think that helped me out in that situation.

    And yeah I am still having suicidal and/or thoughts of self-harming, but Im hoping that I can keep them under control again.
  10. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    I still want to be dead. Can no one help me?
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