Want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rene, Jun 11, 2009.

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  1. Rene

    Rene Member

    My name is Rene. I am just barely hanging on these days. Every day i think about dying, about killing myself.

    11 years ago I was raped by a stranger. I tried to go on with life like it didn't happen. After two years, I started having major difficulties, and made a suicide attempt in 2001. I had a nervous breakdown that year. I tried to rebuild my life, was successful in some ways, but always found a way to self-destruct, to backslide in some way. I have bounced from job to job, from apt. to apt., from living on my own to staying with my elderly parents and back again, over and over. I started grad school and then quit after a year because the stress was too much for me. I suffer from severe low self-esteem, and have had long bouts of deep depression. From 2001 to 2008 I never dated and was completely celibate.

    A couple years ago I tried to commit myself to improving my life and sense of self. I began taking classes in all kinds of things. Things seemed to be getting a little better--though I was pretty unhappy with my job. Then last year, in March, I was raped by a man who was a friend of mine. It took me awhile to come to the realization that it was rape. I was very drunk the night it happened, and I had feelings for the man. I spent weeks trying to excuse his actions, to "protect" him and take the blame myself--because I didn't want to believe it had happened to me again. Since that night I have been in contact with this man off and on and have tried confronting him about what he did--he comes back with extreme manipulation, with excuses (reeking of self pity), apologies, explanations, rationalizations, denials, pleas for forgiveness, requests to renew a friendship, etc., etc. I am at wit's end. I want to die. I see no way out of this pain. I sink further and further into depression and despair. I am filled with rage and have no safe way to express it. Instead I hit or slap myself and have at times cut myself. I have been going to a therapist, but it seems like it's not enough. I am unemployed and living with my parents, who because of their age I have not talked to about much of this stuff. I want to die. I see no other way out of this nightmare, no way to get away from this shitty past and these horrible, shitty memories of the way I've been treated. I just want to be dead.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to the site.

    I'm so sorry you've been treated so bad!!

    Has therapy helped at all? If not, could you try a different therapist?

    I hope you stay here. There are lots of amazing people here. I've made friends, and I'm sure you can too. It's a great place to talk and get the support you need.
  3. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Rene,

    I'm so sorry about what happened to you, and I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. I do know though how it feels to have extremely low self esteem. To take the blame of the world's problems on your shoulders. To rationalize every mean and horrible thing that happened to you, by saying to yourself that you deserved it and this wouldn't happen to a good person etc.

    I haven't been in your situation, so I don't really have any advice to offer. All i can offer is a listening ear and an open heart. I can tell you that you didn't deserve what happened (no one does). You seem to be in a lot of pain and for that I am sorry. Emotional pain, I think is worse than physical pain in most instances, because the treatment is often more complicated, and the compassion is often less. The pain is often that much worse that the feeling of physical pain brings relief (don't know how to explain it, but I know - I've been there too).

    Maybe someone else who reads this who has more experience with rape can help you better than I can, but in the meantime I am here as well if you just need someone to listen to.

    All the best.

  4. Rene

    Rene Member

    Dear Alison,
    Thank you for the welcome. It's very kind of you.

    I have been going to therapy for about a month and a half now. I have been going once a week, but will start going twice a week beginning next week. My therapist is very nice. But I just feel so overwhelmed--it seems like it's too late for any kind of help. There's been a build up for over a decade now of pain and confusion...I was going to try to write more, but I just can't right now. I just can't... I'm sorry.
  5. Rene

    Rene Member

    Dear Max,
    Thank you for your message. I appreciate your compassion and attempt to understand, I really do. And that Bill Maher quote actually gave me a bit of a laugh. Thank you.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You don't have to apologize. It's okay. Write as much as you want to, or as much as you can.

    It's not too late for help. A month and a half isn't a long time, especially when a person has gone through as much as you have. But there's still hope. Therapy can be hard and even painful, but in the end it really can help. So please don't give up!
  7. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Hello Rene,

    Your pain is so understandable - wanting to die is just a way of saying I want an escape - this nightmare that won't go away is too much. It is too much to bear alone. I'm glad you are seeing your therapist twice a week - it seems you need the support.

    It will take time to get thru the pain to the other side, but there is another side even if you can get a glimmer of it to help hang on, please do.

    There is alot of help and support - please keep reaching out. It helps me get thru pain when I find things to keep myself occupied. Put an effort into the healing process by writing out or expressing the pain by exercising or art, or music....

    Perhaps there is some volunteer work you can do while you are looking for employment. Just know you are worth more than to let the monsters who raped you win. Hang on and realize there are many who can be supportive if you let them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2009
  8. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF and I hope you are feeling already the care and concern that is here for you.

    I have not experienced rape but my heart goes out to you. I know there are others here that have had such violence inflicted upon them and they are here for you as are others.

    Please keep posting and returning here-there are people who really really care and often we are the only ones that understand each other so don't be shy..we have all taken that step to PM or post when in pain...you will not be disappointed.

    Hang in there...it does get better.

  9. Rene

    Rene Member

    Thank you eevryone. But I don't think I can go on. And I don't think I want to anymore. Had a horrible night last night...barely slept. The rage and anguish and pain just won't leave me alone...

    Thanks for your nice words though.
  10. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Rene,

    Yeah I laughed my ass off when I read the Maher quote on the internet, so thought it would make a good signature.. :tongue:

    Please keep trying. As I said, I'm not going to try to say that I understand what your going through, because I can't. Its difficult to try to imagine the pain caused by someone taking advantage of you like that. Especially because I'm a guy, and we tend not to completely grasp the pain, and consequences that follows when a girl has been raped.

    But I do know how it feels to not have the will to carry on. To not enjoy anything anymore and when death seems like a dream.

    If you feel that you can't trust yourself to be safe atm, why not book yourself into the hospital? There your psych can give you injections that works much faster than the normal anti-depressants.

    Please stay safe. Please keep trying. I almost committed suicide last year, because of depression that lasted 6 years (granted I only received treatment for 3 years), but that would have been a huge mistake as I am doing much better now.

    Anyway, keep us posted on how your doing and feel free to share more. Often it helps just to talk about what happened, and to get it out in the open, even if it is to a complete stranger. So give it a try. Can't hurt, right?

    Hope you feel better!

  11. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well at least you have one plus. You can put a name on what causes your nightmares, or nightmarish life. I can hardly give an excuse for my constant suicidal feelings. I have no triggers... life is my trigger.
    Because you have an idea of what is causing your suicidal thoughts, there is a good chance you can get better with more therapy (perhaps a different therapist), medication if you haven't already tried that. A new job perhaps. Anything.
    You've got more chance at happiness than you know. :hug:
    Either way, I know what it feels like to want to die, and I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm sorry everyone here is. I really hope you don't choose suicide as your path. It is very appealing but the more you think about it, it sucks you in. Find something else to obsess over, like a new job or whatever you can think of.
    Best of luck,
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