My name is Rene. I am just barely hanging on these days. Every day i think about dying, about killing myself. 11 years ago I was raped by a stranger. I tried to go on with life like it didn't happen. After two years, I started having major difficulties, and made a suicide attempt in 2001. I had a nervous breakdown that year. I tried to rebuild my life, was successful in some ways, but always found a way to self-destruct, to backslide in some way. I have bounced from job to job, from apt. to apt., from living on my own to staying with my elderly parents and back again, over and over. I started grad school and then quit after a year because the stress was too much for me. I suffer from severe low self-esteem, and have had long bouts of deep depression. From 2001 to 2008 I never dated and was completely celibate. A couple years ago I tried to commit myself to improving my life and sense of self. I began taking classes in all kinds of things. Things seemed to be getting a little better--though I was pretty unhappy with my job. Then last year, in March, I was raped by a man who was a friend of mine. It took me awhile to come to the realization that it was rape. I was very drunk the night it happened, and I had feelings for the man. I spent weeks trying to excuse his actions, to "protect" him and take the blame myself--because I didn't want to believe it had happened to me again. Since that night I have been in contact with this man off and on and have tried confronting him about what he did--he comes back with extreme manipulation, with excuses (reeking of self pity), apologies, explanations, rationalizations, denials, pleas for forgiveness, requests to renew a friendship, etc., etc. I am at wit's end. I want to die. I see no way out of this pain. I sink further and further into depression and despair. I am filled with rage and have no safe way to express it. Instead I hit or slap myself and have at times cut myself. I have been going to a therapist, but it seems like it's not enough. I am unemployed and living with my parents, who because of their age I have not talked to about much of this stuff. I want to die. I see no other way out of this nightmare, no way to get away from this shitty past and these horrible, shitty memories of the way I've been treated. I just want to be dead.