Just got into a fight with a very selfixh, bitchy, fucking so-called friend. I feel sick right now. I hate her and I hate myself. I have been wanting to do something drastic, this seems like the perfect time. I awlays wanted to get my Ph.D first, want to prove to everyone that I can but right now I don't see how I could possibly live that long. Everytime I go for a drive I want to drive into wall or tree. I have even gotten into the car with drivers under the influence hoping I would die, but that noone would be harmed, I would tell her to make sure we swirve away from any cars, how fucking stupid and irrseponsible and selfish. I can't stand everything goign on right now. I hate everyone. I want to die so badly but I feel like I can't leave my little sister. She says I am the best person in her life and I was more of a mother than my mom. I can't allow my mom to fuck Kaitlyn up like she did to me. I can't let everything fall a part. I can't be perfect for eveyrhone anymore, and if I can't be perfect than I shouldn't bother. If I can't control myself than how can I control anything. I am sick of panicing over stupid things and worrying about everything. I just want to leave. I want to drive into city hall in my real home town, Philadelphia. I just want to die in a way that my identity isn't known, I don't want people to think I would kill myself. I am perfect. I want vodka. I dream about it, I hate that I feel like I can live on if I had it. I am sick of throwing up when I eat, I am sick of being afraid when someone says "I love you", I am sick of running away when someone cares, and I am sick of relying on things like grades and bullshit to determine my happiness. I am tired of competing and only being happy for a few seconds when I "win". I am sick of not beng able to breathe over a B+ and I am sick of wanting to die so badly, but not doing anything about it. I am sick of making lists, and weighing options and being afraid to commit to anything other school and work. I hate that whenever its quiet I have to find noise, I have to figure out how to stop these thoughts. I hate being by myself, and I hate being around people. I hate myself yet I pretend I think I am the bnest thing in the world. I hate how my mom got her way. I hate that I can't love myself unless I feel like I have done something to earn her conditional love. I hate that it seems like my friends are declining in number, and I wonder if its my fault. I hate that no matter what I do I can't be as amazing as I need to be to love myself. I suck. I don't have a 4.0, I have a fucking 3.8. I hate that people tell me how amazng that is and I think how much better I am than them, they must suck. I hate that I have planned out every step of my future but I dont consider who will be by my side. I hate that I only planned up until a certain point and then I want to end it all, after I take out all those student loans to get me there, how stupid. I hate everything except my friend who just IM'd me to calm me down, who tells me he misses me and who I know would be there for me. I have a few people I can't leave, but I desperatley want to leave and I want them to understand my pain. Damn it.