Want to drive into a wall

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alyssa88, Jul 15, 2007.

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  1. Alyssa88

    Alyssa88 Active Member

    Just got into a fight with a very selfixh, bitchy, fucking so-called friend. I feel sick right now. I hate her and I hate myself. I have been wanting to do something drastic, this seems like the perfect time. I awlays wanted to get my Ph.D first, want to prove to everyone that I can but right now I don't see how I could possibly live that long. Everytime I go for a drive I want to drive into wall or tree. I have even gotten into the car with drivers under the influence hoping I would die, but that noone would be harmed, I would tell her to make sure we swirve away from any cars, how fucking stupid and irrseponsible and selfish. I can't stand everything goign on right now. I hate everyone. I want to die so badly but I feel like I can't leave my little sister. She says I am the best person in her life and I was more of a mother than my mom. I can't allow my mom to fuck Kaitlyn up like she did to me. I can't let everything fall a part. I can't be perfect for eveyrhone anymore, and if I can't be perfect than I shouldn't bother. If I can't control myself than how can I control anything. I am sick of panicing over stupid things and worrying about everything. I just want to leave. I want to drive into city hall in my real home town, Philadelphia. I just want to die in a way that my identity isn't known, I don't want people to think I would kill myself. I am perfect. I want vodka. I dream about it, I hate that I feel like I can live on if I had it. I am sick of throwing up when I eat, I am sick of being afraid when someone says "I love you", I am sick of running away when someone cares, and I am sick of relying on things like grades and bullshit to determine my happiness. I am tired of competing and only being happy for a few seconds when I "win". I am sick of not beng able to breathe over a B+ and I am sick of wanting to die so badly, but not doing anything about it. I am sick of making lists, and weighing options and being afraid to commit to anything other school and work. I hate that whenever its quiet I have to find noise, I have to figure out how to stop these thoughts. I hate being by myself, and I hate being around people. I hate myself yet I pretend I think I am the bnest thing in the world. I hate how my mom got her way. I hate that I can't love myself unless I feel like I have done something to earn her conditional love. I hate that it seems like my friends are declining in number, and I wonder if its my fault. I hate that no matter what I do I can't be as amazing as I need to be to love myself. I suck. I don't have a 4.0, I have a fucking 3.8. I hate that people tell me how amazng that is and I think how much better I am than them, they must suck. I hate that I have planned out every step of my future but I dont consider who will be by my side. I hate that I only planned up until a certain point and then I want to end it all, after I take out all those student loans to get me there, how stupid. I hate everything except my friend who just IM'd me to calm me down, who tells me he misses me and who I know would be there for me. I have a few people I can't leave, but I desperatley want to leave and I want them to understand my pain. Damn it.
  2. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    You may like this advice:

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2007
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are filled with so much hate over things Alyssa. It seems most of it comes dowm to things you beleive you haven't been perfect at. No one is perfect. it is okay not to be perfect. A 3.8 GPA is something to be proud of. A b+ is still and accomplishment. So it wasn't an A. It doesn't matter in the long run. Being less than perfect just shows that you are human. It would be to your benefit to learn to replace the negative thinhking errors with positive thoughts. Mayb try to replace one at a time. Don't let them eat away at you so much. i know how hard that can be, but you have to work hard to hate as well. Put that drive into the positive instead of the negative. Take care hun. :hug:
  4. Alyssa88

    Alyssa88 Active Member

    I think I am over that whole thing. I feel foolish for letting her do that to me, to push me to the edge like that. Its really stupid. I guess I find it crazy that my friend for many years, the one who I have stood beside and helped through so much can throw away everything for something so stupid. Whatever, I am better than her, I deserve better. I don't even fucking need people in my life, just goes to show there is not one person you can trust. I don't know why I even care about this. I am normally so un-attached, so this should not have been a problem.

    About the whole perfect thing, I can be better and I know that. I know I should have studied harder for my statistics final. Sometimes I think its my Mom's fault for making me like this, for beating me when I was ten for that C, but at the same time I am glad she did, I needed to realize that I am better than that and that I should expect perfection from myself. If it wasn't for that I may be attending some average school with average grades, and I would never get into graduate school. I would never become everything I think I want. My identity is my perfection, I need to keep that. And yes, no one is perfect but I do like to feel that I am at least doing better than everyone else. I want people to see me and think I have a perfect life with no problems. If it wasn't for my worry and panic I may not be where I am, and I need to be where I am.
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