Want to end it all

[Unregisteredrip]

I have wanted to end it all for years. I put on good airs at work but starting to break down even at work.
I have no next of kin and I am a widow. I would not be missed. No one would miss me until I didn't show for work or didn't pay the rent-only when someone needs something from me.
<mod edit: bunny - methods>
I can put signs up on the outside of the closed bathroom door so anyone who finds me (believe me, I have no friends and as I said, no family so it would be a long time before I am found) warning of <mod edit: bunny - methods> so others wouldn't be hurt/affected.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to go home.
I can't take anymore.
I don't like it here and I want to leave.
Please, let me go home.
It has to be time to go home.
I want to go home.
Thank you if anyone bothered to read this

 

[claycad]

Have you ever thought that maybe you don't want to die? I use to think I wanted to die, but now I realize I don't want to die, I just don't want to live. There is a difference between truly wanting to die or just not wanting to live. Just a thought.

I was in the same position a few months ago as you are now. I felt very much on the verge of suicide because of some of the circumstances in my life. Like I said, even though I was very seriously contemplating suicide, I realized it wasn't that I wanted to die, I just needed to find a reason to want to live. I felt that I really had nothing to lose by trying to get help for myself and finding a reason to want to live, so I contacted a therapist. I have been going to therapy for a little over two months, and just came from a session today which went really well for once. I was about to give up on it, but now after two months I am feeling a little hopeful that I will find my reason to live. I am also about to start on meds and hope they will help me further.

The point is, you seem like you are on the verge of suicide. When you are on the edge like you are, you have nothing else to lose by at least trying to give therapy or medication a chance. I don't know what the circumstances are that brought you to the point you are at, so maybe there is more to you thinking of suicide then just clinical depression or anxiety. But depression can play tricks on you and fool you into thinking your circumstances are worse then they are, but depression is very treatable. When one is at the point you are at, you have nothing to lose by attempting to help yourself. I'm not saying its easy...I've been at it for more than two months now and have barely just made a dent for the first time today, but also for the first time I am starting to feel glad that I gave therapy a chance. You should at least give it a try as at this point you sound like you have nothing to lose, so why not try.