want to end it. but im scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by comatose kitten, Oct 15, 2013.

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  1. Man, i have been feeling suicidal for as long as i remember. Its worse these days. Only now i have a 2 year old. I know people will say, just look at your boy, how can you do that. But thatsjust it. Im such a screw up. I drink too much which my lady hates. I dont get beligerant or physical, i just have fun and im more talkitive. She worries about my health, i underunderstand it. But if im sober, the suicidal thoughts come back. I need to be numb.
    Its getting easier and easier to come to the conclusion that i have. I know they will be happier in the long run without me and i cant bear to live without them which is where its heading. I dont see how i can live this way much longer. I quit drinking but im still incompetent and lousy at everything.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Alcohol adds to depression. It may not appear to during the time you are intoxicated, but afterwards it acts as a depressant. Self medicating in this way is harmful and medication and therapy should be done with the assistance of professionals. Regardless that, as a parent myself, our children are more important than anything. If you're not already seeing a professional, especially for therapy to help find and treat the root cause of your suicidal thoughts, then you should consider setting up and appointment and taking that first step leading toward potential wellness. You want to be around when your child is grown up.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know people will say, just look at your boy, how can you do that. But thatsjust it. Im such a screw up

    You will get eventually get tired of using your child as an excuse to hang on. Why people so easily offer up that type of guilt on a person that already feels like all they do, they screw up, baffles me. It's like saying "Well you already suck as a parent so to punish you for that, you have to stick it out for your kid so you can see the damage you are going to pass along to yet another generation! How's that working for ya?

    Instead I offer up...you need to stay safe for you. Nobody else but you. And for whatever reason you can find to want to do that for. Revenge, karma, keep inflicting pain on yourself...or to even find a way to accept that you are not perfect, never will be and that makes you no different than any other poor bastard on the planet. We're all screw ups, at some things and a bloody artist at being good at other things.

    The depression and suicidal thoughts make it near impossible for you to see anything good on the road up ahead. And I'll be frank, there is as much happiness ahead as you will allow yourself to enjoy. Some days it will be volumes and others not enough to even want to get out of bed for. You can't sit there and read this and say that every moment of everyday is filled with doom and gloom. You have a second here or there that you actually enjoyed. Now instead of holding on to some guilty feelings about needing to be here for others, take stock of those good moments and want to be here for you. You can need to be here for others once you allow yourself to want to be here for you first. You won't be worth anything to anyone if you don't look out for you first. You're important too!

    Do look into getting some professional help. Then use what you can from the advice of the professionals and anyone else that is trying to help you move forward, to find yourself again. It's all about you and that isn't a bad thing.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I think you came to the right place. This is a good community. I completley agree with pickwithaustin. I have done my fair share of drinking, believe me. Alcohol is a depressant, after the innitial high and emotional boost . But it is "self medicating". And it causes people to leave their body. Trust me, for reasons I will not explain, that is a potentially bad and harmful thing. Have you thought about the idea of going to a professional and getting medication that can help you? Self medicating will not lead to feeling less suicidal though. Please keep posting. Glad you are here
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2013
  5. I have, im on seroquel, buspar amd some other one i cant remember. I havent seen a psyche, i dont have the money or insurance but the hospital put me on these pills when i had a breakdown after i woke from my coma years ago. Idk, i have stopped drinking for the most part, but i return to it now and then. Sometimes i think i want to be caught. Like i am sabotaging my world so i will be left alone to give up. But the other part of me cant do it because i cant bear to be away from those two. Im very confused and today is particularly dark which is why i finally came here. Its getting unbearable. This isnt how i want to be, but i dont know how to help myself anymore.
  6. Thank you guys for such a quick reply. I wasnt expecting anyone to care to comment
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well around here, caring and offering advice and comments is what the members do best. Glad you came here. You're not alone when you are surrounded by others that understand your pain and struggles. Keep posting. If nothing else, it is helpful being able to express what you are feeling in a place where you won't be judged and have to explain every detail to have others understand you.
  8. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hi comatose kitten, I'm sorry you feel this way. I was asleep when you posted this, we do care, we have been through similar pain as yours. I honestly don't know what to write.... It's good that you stopped drinking, it's a big move, keep doing positive things, and I hope life will get better for oyu. *hug
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am really sorry its so dark. Please use this community, if you want, to hang on. Post often. As often as you want. There is even a diary area where you can write all you want without people answering.

    I do wish you had a way to see if the medications you are on are still appropriate. Still the best option. Or if a switch to something else is needed. Sounds like your pain is so intense. please continue to talk here. Its what this place is here for.
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