want to end it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fastredz, Dec 27, 2009.

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  1. fastredz

    fastredz Member

    newbie here unfortunatley a sad firspost :sad:

    really dont know where to start, im 35 years old, live alone, good job, nice car loving family and friends,
    im always the caering loving honest and faithful boyfriend but always end up getting soooo hurt and its so unfair and painful really cant take anymore,

    my last gfriend i really really loved her with all my heart unfortunatley she left me, was so kind and loving to her but obviously wasnt enough cant take the pain anymore, i have had breakups before but each time it hurts more and more to the point i want to end this pain, she ended it in oct and i moved back to my parents for support, she lives on my estate thats why i moved back home really cant be home alone, we did try to make things work again but they didnt and i splashed out £500 on her for xmas gift eventhough we had finished in the hope she would come back to me :sad:

    i have tried to take my life before when i was 21 again over a break up <Mod Edit: Methods> and yes im still here but i think it has affected my kidneys and liver, i have very strong urges again to end it and im always thinking of ways to end it, my family and friends are so supportive but at night im all alone with just my thoughts and how i can just leave this place and be rid of this awful pain, everyday im closer to doing something just that im worried about my family and friends how it would affect them, thought of having an accident at work falling off a crane or something, im not afraid to admit yes im afraid to do something im thinking of the eisiest way to go <Mod Edit: Methods> maybe i do hate my life myself and just want to go quietly sorry
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2009
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello Fastredz, firstly welcome to the forum. It's a bit quiet at this time of day not many people around so don't get disheartened if not many people answer straight away.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I can relate to feeling like life is worthless after breaking up from a long term relationship (well, tbh ANY relationship), I just wondered what happened. Do you want to tell more of your story, sometimes just putting it into words so others understand can really help.

    And I guess I'm going to say the obvious, that if only you give youself time to get through these terrible feelings, time to get used to the pain of the breakup, you will eventually start to feel better. Don't make any decisions right now, give yourself some time to heal. :hug:
  3. fastredz

    fastredz Member

    thanks for your reply, not sure what to say really, i loved her with all my heart i know it was only a year we had been together, she did say that i was the longest relationship she had she is 24 and im 35 she has a beautiful 3 year old that i loved very much too she said she gets bored of relationships after 6months
    im a really really soft at heart person im so hard with myself with anything life throws at me but anything with relationships and my world falls apart :unsure:
    i think of here every second of the day what is she doing who is she with picture her with someone else in my mind her soft hair her brown eyes her smile and its just all too much for me i cant bear to be without her i feel so lonley even with a very supportive family and friends im always alone with my thoughts, i really do wish i didnt wake up one morning is that such a bad thing?
  4. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Wishing to not wake up? No that's not a bad thing at all, in fact I'd say normal believe it or not. But you don't need to act on it, just know that that's how crap you feel and for good reasons. And find ways of getting through the day when you realize damn I woke up again.

    You sound like a really loving person, and I really am sorry you're having to go through this especially at this time of year. I don't really have any advice or even helpful words, just want you to know you can find support here, you don't have to pretend that everything is ok.
  5. sinio

    sinio New Member


    I completely understand what you are going through and understand everything you are saying about ending it all. Im surprised im still here. it is very hard especially doing it alone and keeping it all build up inside. I find talking doesnt really help that much, I always seem to get hurt also with relationships. It my last girlfriend and that was about 2 year ago , was very tough as I was in Aus at the time and the only thing I could think of was comming back home to the UK and I did. I feel like I distance myself from people especially getting into relationships as im so scared of getting hurt again. Time is a great healer, I know thats hard to see it that way as I dont really see it that way but eventually it will go. But as I find it always comes back
  6. fastredz

    fastredz Member

    thanks for your kind words, god yes such a relief to say everything isnt ok, im down and depressed, im struggling to get throught the day, i know it sounds really stupid but i really do feel im here to be punished by god himself, i dont have a meaning or direction in my life exept when im in love i give it my all 100% and im never happier once that feeling is broken then im at my lowest its torture its painfull and it keeps getting worse
  7. sinio

    sinio New Member

    Hang in there :) the last couple of months my I have been thinking my life as no direction what so ever, feel lonely not loved, no motivation and always tired. Is there anything that you enjoy doing and can take your mind of things even for a while?
  8. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Mm. I think quite a few of us here feel the same way...

    I had the next 10 years of my life planned out; had a scholarship to my first choice college- was doing well- on track- planned to get married and have babies with my boyfriend/fiancee of 7 years, and he suddenly split up with me.
    It's been 4 months and I still cry myself to sleep every night. I still love him with all my heart and think about him every waking moment of the day.
    I dropped out- live with my mom- was fired from my job and refuse to go outside of my room. It's just so hard to deal with the normal every day things anymore.

    I also give it 100% in relationships. It takes me a long time to trust anyone; and now I don't know if I can trust a single person ever again...
    Things can get better. Some people have all the bad luck, I guess?
    We just have to hang in there and hope that the day comes soon that we wake up one morning and don't love them anymore.

    Welcome to the forum. I think that this place is a good start... so post often and let us know how you're feeling, okay?
  9. fastredz

    fastredz Member

    thanks everyone for your kind words
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