So right, had the house to myself all morning, it's been nice, I cleaned it up, brought in some wood for the fire place cuz god knows no one else here will help. My brother comes in and asks to borrow 40 dollars to take his gf out to dinner(this is dylan's dad mind you). I tell him no that my money is going to groceries and to my new car I'm getting. The mother fucker has the nerve to sit there and scream at me for not giving him the money. Ive bailed him out of jail, i take care of his son, what the fuck else does he want from me. Does he want me to slit my wrists in front of him and say "here shaun look is that enough...ill bleed to death now" he makes me so dead inside, he makes me want to just disappear. How does he not know that he's doing this to me? How does he not see I hate him, and i would never give him the money? I've realized so much within the past few days. I realized that I am alot smarter than people ever gave me credit for, I realized that I hold so much power it's unbelievable, power which I could do so so much with. My choice with that power it to shut down, beat myself up internally and externally physically harm myself. That power is so overwhelming to me. I have the capacity to take my life and know that absolutely no one would care. It's amazing how that can make you feel. To know that you are so alone that if you scream no one would come running. That power has made me realize the task at hand. It's made me realize that all most people do in my life is walk all over me. It's sickening how sweet people can be to your face but the second that you turn your back they stab you. Family is like that you know, untrusting, cruel and heartless. At the core of their empty hearts all that lies there is darkness. I surround myself with gutless, heartless assholes. It's the sad truth. I can cut and slice my arms up and even show people while shouting and screaming "Look at my pretty scars, I want to bleed myself away" yet still no one seems to notice. It's that or no one really cares, and I'm leaning towards the second option. I've cried so many times, even calmly explained that I couldn't do it anymore and I wanted to die and people just stared back at me like I wasnt even there. Maybe I'mnot here, I'm just a figment of my own imagination. Nevertheless, I'm losing everything. I'm a door mat to be walked all over so come on in ppl and step on me. Make me bleed, make me cry, make me die, please i beg of you.