Want to give up....(language)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~PinkElephants~, Feb 9, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    So right, had the house to myself all morning, it's been nice, I cleaned it up, brought in some wood for the fire place cuz god knows no one else here will help. My brother comes in and asks to borrow 40 dollars to take his gf out to dinner(this is dylan's dad mind you). I tell him no that my money is going to groceries and to my new car I'm getting. The mother fucker has the nerve to sit there and scream at me for not giving him the money. Ive bailed him out of jail, i take care of his son, what the fuck else does he want from me. Does he want me to slit my wrists in front of him and say "here shaun look is that enough...ill bleed to death now" he makes me so dead inside, he makes me want to just disappear. How does he not know that he's doing this to me? How does he not see I hate him, and i would never give him the money?

    I've realized so much within the past few days. I realized that I am alot smarter than people ever gave me credit for, I realized that I hold so much power it's unbelievable, power which I could do so so much with. My choice with that power it to shut down, beat myself up internally and externally physically harm myself. That power is so overwhelming to me. I have the capacity to take my life and know that absolutely no one would care. It's amazing how that can make you feel. To know that you are so alone that if you scream no one would come running. That power has made me realize the task at hand. It's made me realize that all most people do in my life is walk all over me. It's sickening how sweet people can be to your face but the second that you turn your back they stab you. Family is like that you know, untrusting, cruel and heartless. At the core of their empty hearts all that lies there is darkness. I surround myself with gutless, heartless assholes. It's the sad truth.
    I can cut and slice my arms up and even show people while shouting and screaming "Look at my pretty scars, I want to bleed myself away" yet still no one seems to notice. It's that or no one really cares, and I'm leaning towards the second option. I've cried so many times, even calmly explained that I couldn't do it anymore and I wanted to die and people just stared back at me like I wasnt even there. Maybe I'mnot here, I'm just a figment of my own imagination. Nevertheless, I'm losing everything. I'm a door mat to be walked all over so come on in ppl and step on me. Make me bleed, make me cry, make me die, please i beg of you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2007
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    streuth Kells, u got to stop letting your brother do this to you!!!!!
    He's the arsehole hun, not you.

    And yes you are smarter than u give yourself credit for!!!!

    You are not a doormat and anyone wants to treat you like one will have me to deal with
    :mad:
     
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    my presumptions were right on who was going to respond to this. I knew dev would b/c i know that she does genuinely care....sometimes words just aren't enough though. sometimes the pain and guilt of everything surpasses that and you can't get back up from falling down. I've failed so many times...so many times i've wanted to give in and today is worse than before. i hate being made to feel so worthless..like my being here is just a chore for people. The one person i love is miles and miles and miles away and it hurts my heart. I love him so much...and he knows who he is and how much he's brightened up my life...but the brightens gets dimmed by the assholes that i live with.
     
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hun i dunno what to say. I wish i could change that for you. I really wish i could :sad:

    :hug:
     
  5. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    theres no changing it anymore. ive given up. its like this dull piercing sensation..like im being stabbed over and over againbut i really don't feel it much..it's god i dont know..i can't explain how i feel i cant make the words come out to make people understand b/c im afraid. today is the 5 year anniversary...teh day i did something so unforgivable so horribly evil especially given the fact at what i do with my life...i need him...every year i torture myself more ....on this day...i want to bleed i want to ache..i died that day...everything happened...i died....
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun what the hell happened 5 years ago?
    I don't believe you did anything evil, thoughtless or hurtful maybe (we've all done that at some point in our lives) but not evil.
     
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i can mask my pain well, bury it down, hide it, not let people feel the pain im feeling. id ont wnat to hurt others with my pain...i dont want to fuck anyone else up....i want to scream so fuckin loud right now but ppl are here...no need to draw attnetion to the situation.
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Go out and walk till you find a quiet spot and then let your scream let rip!!!
    I've done that, scared the hell out of a man walking his dog :laugh: , and it really was a great release.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.