want to hit HARDER now

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by TLA, Apr 30, 2007.

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  1. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Don't know why i am typing this, want to talk to someone but it is 3 am here. get so so upset and out of sorts. I hate life. I start beating my head and face--hitting me...i never do this before.....i just cry but now, i hate myself so much that tonight, i wanted to pound my brain with the hammer. i dont' care anymore.
    i feel i have no power to change anything. I know it is very childish, i watched a t.v. show that my ex husband likes. He tried to get me to watch it with him. I never did and now it is just a silly way for me to hang on to him. i did many many amny things wrong, but i had no idea that i was so bad behaving. does that make sense? He never saw me as his wife in a stable mood-level. ya know. thats just why i hate me. he will never talk to me. My son will never know me. i hate me. i am nothing but shit to hit.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun!!!:sad: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    Am sure it wasn't all down to you..it takes two to make an arguement and two to end up in divorce. Self blame (been there, done that, worn the t-shirt) accomplishes nothing. I find it hard to believe that you were married to a saint and every problem was down to you :hug:
  3. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Hey Terry,

    No, he was not a saint. {He was great in my eyes though} Now, it hurts more cuz (I think) he has a full life with our son and work, his family. While I have nothing at all. I do not know for sure that he is happier. I guess he is, cuz he tries to forget me.

    Your words are true, ya know how self-critical we all are. Most of the people that reject me also blames me for my mistakes and acting wrong. No forgiveness at all.

    It is easy to blame myself, cuz everyone else does too. It makes a difference if your mind caused you to argue, yell and misinterpret daily events. I just wanted a chance to show others that I am different with meds and theraphy. No one seems to give me second chances. damn on them. :cry:

    I would rather die, than live without them. He meant that much to me.
  4. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug: i don't know what to say, just thought i'd send you a hug, not that that's any use at all :sad: , just know that we're listening. If i could make the hug real, i would. :hug:
  5. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    :thanks: mucho for caring!! I need all the hugs I can get.

  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugathon commences:

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :flowers:
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    forgot to mention to you how much I loved the hugathon. I did make a differerce, amazingly!! :bike:

    You are a sweetheart. :thanks:
  8. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    ...joins Terry in the Hugathon

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    How u doing TLA? are things any better?

    And hello Beret

    :hug: :hug: 's for both:smile:
  10. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    :arms: :hug: :arms: :hug: :arms: More hugs where they came from, if required. How are things now, TLA? :flowers:
  11. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Thanks for the hugs, and concern. Right back to ya. :hug: :hug: Y'all make me feel so warm inside. :cold:

    I am still recovering and getting stable, stronger. Its been tough! I have not hit me since this post started. I do try not to let it get that bad. Only at the worse when I hate myself and guilt, self-blame. I still do think about the hammer and the rocks by the window. I wish I could kill my stupid brain. lol

    Quite Honestly, I just talked to my social worker today and see my dr. Wed....The social worker is a guy and he compliments me on my smarts and helps me identify. Plus he is patient to explain concepts that are new to me. I just changed to him 2 weeks ago. the prior girl, changed jobs. The change is good, helpful I think. but scary too.

    I have been on the fence awhile trying to decide which way to go: fight to live or stay alone and hurting, depressed, crying, suicidal. It's just part of the symptoms of bi-polar. The pain part is all I know. I feel numb to my feelings with my meds at times, but without it I am a crying idiot, so I know I need it at least now.
    There are times when I get inspired and don't want to waste more time. Other days I want to not be here. There's hurts, betrayls, crap to heal of.
    I am trying to not hang on to what I lost. Yet, its hard when you don't see much of a future.
    Not very happy story, sorry. THANK YOU all for listening to my rant.
    Stay safe!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2007
  12. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :smile: :hug: :hug:
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