Want to kill myself, can't

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Arseface, Nov 18, 2014.

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  1. Arseface

    Arseface New Member

    I'm 22 and I still live with my parents.I've been depressed pretty much my entire life. I've had a plan for killing myself for around 6 years now.

    The part of that plan where I'd move out of my parents house, wait a bit from them to stop trying to contact me regularly, then do it without notifying them isn't working. I lack the motivation to get a job, I'm in school but the degree I'm going for means almost literally nothing for the field I'd go into. The classes themselves, while they're supposed to be oriented towards getting a job won't help in the field in the slightest.

    I get that suicide hurts people and you can't completely get rid of that pain, but anybody saying you can't make it easier is a liar. People move on from deaths every day, it's a part of living. If they couldn't get over my death then they'd be thrown out of wack from somebody else's already or soon enough. I've stopped caring about that at this point though.

    Because of a move, I also now have no reliable social outlets. The ones left to me are either infrequent enough that I feel pressure to keep the conversations lighthearted enough to not waste peoples time, or they are uninvolved to the point where I have really no right to talk about it. It left me without a job, without the ability to get one, and without any local friends. Despite giving an honest effort, I'm essentially friendless to the point where I contacted my (only) ex-girlfriend. I am now thrown back to obsessing over her despite the relationship ending years ago, and my mental state is getting worse pretty much every day. I'm starting to not just get emotionally messed up, but my ability to concentrate and pay attention are disappearing as well.

    I also caught diabetes around 2 years ago. It isn't nearly as bad as people think, but I don't take my medication because I'm too lazy to walk the 10 feet it takes to grab my needles. I'd rather not die from untreated diabetes because that's long and painful, but that's probably what's going to happen at this rate. I've never been fat, but I'm losing weight at an alarming and disgusting rate. It's funny, because that means I can essentially starve myself to death eating over 3000 calories a day.

    The part that makes it hard is that the way I'd prefer to kill myself I don't have a means of getting a hold of. I lack a car, and on top of meaning that I can't get anywhere to do things to get my mind of my depression it ALSO means I can't get to a gun store to get what I need to make it all end. I'm stuck, both in a position where I can't get what I need to get out of depression. Either through getting "better" or getting dead.
     
  2. Hey, I am sorry no one has replied to this sooner, if you need to chat please pm me any time and we can see if we can get you through this, I have gone through many the same feelings over the last year but seem to now be past them.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU can get better but only if you chose to do something if you do nothing then no nothing will happen
     
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