want to kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Petal, Jun 26, 2016.

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  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I have lost it. Completely. I was doing well but I guess my brain chemistry has changed in the last few days,I don't know what's wrong with me, i'm drowning in darkness :( My sisters want nothing to do with me- my fault entirely, my older sister understands but doesn't quite know what to say, im not very good at opening up when im feeling bad, so all im going to say is I want to be dead. My local psych ward is full not that I think it would change anything anyway. I don't want to be here *shakes head* I'm envious of deceased people.

    The anxiety is crippling, what's stopping me? I don't want to be a vegetable.

    I'n anxious, paranoid and full of anger and hatred.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support


    I care about you. Are you reducing some of your meds?
    MisterBGone and Petal like this.
  3. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry sweetheart.

    You have potential for happiness. You are sweet, intelligent and still young.

    Get help fast if things do not improve.

    big hugs
    MisterBGone and Petal like this.
  4. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    It's really ugly that these negative feelings tend to come in such big waves. It must be very overwhelming for you now - I'm sorry. :(

    But never forget that you were feeling better before. I know thinking about this might even make it seem even worse like it's impossible to break out of this darkness but truth is it's possible to feel better as past has proven and if you focus on that it can actually be a very motivating thought.

    Be nice to yourself and take steps to preserve your own well being. Of course it's bad to run away from problems (since it won't fix them) but it doesn't make sense to force yourself feeling bad either. Personally I tend to just not do anything at all when I'm doing really bad, then I realize that I'm able and allowed to do good things for myself, like eating my favorite fruit and do it and in effect feel a bit better than before.

    Of course you will still have to work on your mental issues/brain chemistry but don't stop doing good things for yourself if you are feeling bad.
    MisterBGone and Petal like this.
  5. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Know we care so much for you here. Please don't give up. If you find yourself feeling unsafe, can you contact someone near you? Here for you always. Message me anytime.
    MisterBGone and Petal like this.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am full of anger and hatred for the man who raped me , cousin who abused me, kids that bullied me, teachers that bullied me. Fuck them all. Bullies turned out to intense drug addicts.

    Yes, I am coming off valium @Rockclimbinggirl down to 24mg instead of 30 but as I was just talking to you and you know the real reason behind why im feeling like this(which I'm ashamed of), all i can say is thanks for being there and thanks to those who supported me.
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lynn, I hope you can find a way to rid your life of the anger and hatred that you carry. You don't deserve to carry that around for the rest of your life. Just look at all the harm it is causing you. Has any of your therapy dealt with the anger issues.
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  8. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    I wish you feel happiness and love.
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  9. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I know it's not easy when you feel like you do right now......but try and remeber those days were you felt a bit better or could hold it together. They will come back around again to you.

    Your aloud to be angry at those people who hurt you for sure, but don't turn than anger towards yourself and don't let it consume you.

    I hope that you will start to feel better soon you deserve to feel better.
    Take care precious lady
    Petal and MisterBGone like this.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Starting to feel a little better, got my tooth sorted and have an abcess in my gums, its hurting but i got painkillers and anti biotics, so all okay for now.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm thinking positively now, what can I do to make today a little brighters? Any idea folks?
  12. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    What's the weather like??? Is the sun out??? Even if it's cold. Rug up and sit some place in the sunshine and just close your eyes and really focus On the sun warming you face....I find just spending a few minutes a day to just stop and enjoy the sunshine (if possible) can make me feel nice......even if it's only for a few breif minutes....
    May not work for you/others, but it works for me.
    Take care.
    Glad to hear you feel a bit better *hug*
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yeah the sun is out, may take a walk later to the park. I feel a lot better n myself. Thank you darling and replied to your pm, :)
    Northern likes this.
  14. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    How are you doing?
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Not the best...I feel like a terrible person. I wish I had died in my sleep last night to not wake up to physical and mental pain. I'm just sad. I started crying while I was cleaning for no reason, just bad thoughts that are always around had arose. I wish I could say I was feeling better but I'm not, got rejected again :(
  16. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Don't give up. Know we are always here. So sorry you're still struggling. Hugs
  17. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am glad you are here and I'm sure that many others on the forum are. @Petal you've helped a lot of us on here. Remember you are a kind and caring individual.
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