want to kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by helpneeded2017, Jun 29, 2016.

  1. I am 26 years old and if you took one look at me, you'd say no way is this guy suicidal. I look good but don't feel good. I don't have a physical illness. The problem is that I have never been able to fit in my entire life. I have very little to no friends. I think I have things going for me (I'm about to be making 6 figures a year and I am physically fit and most people say I look good) but man do girls let me know that I don't. they continuously reject me. My family cares about me but my mom and dad are getting up there in age and wont be around forever. My 2 brothers are hardly ever around anymore. I am on drugs right now I cant say specifically what specific kind of drug it is but I am hooked and on a ton of pressure to get off but do not want to. I hate the USA and their drug laws but it is what it is. Everytime I think things will get better they don't. I recently confided in some people outside of my family telling them everything last Friday and they have not even had the decency to check with me again since then. I mean if you tell someone you are suicidal and potentially a threat to others shouldn't they follow up. Not doing so makes it seem as though they really don't give a shit and don't want me to bother them anymore. I constantly go from wanting to kill myself to wanting to go on a killing spree. killing myself is much more realistic at this point. what on earth should I do? people say self pity wont do any good but what the fuck is the point in trying if its just gonna make shit worse?
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    I would seek professional help pronto. Prayers for you
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Wow, you are really suffering but that's understandable to the high level of aniexty you. Ok, I'm not judging but if you are taking drugs at the moment but you need to seek medical advice and group therapy. Whatever you are taking might work in the short term but will affect long term.

    You are important so please keep posting her and we will try our best to help YOU.
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Firstly-I am so sorry for the pain you are obviously going through. I relate strongly to it-I was very much like you many years ago, having both homicidal thoughts and suicidal thoughts. I too reached out to people in moments of desperation only to find apathetic, indifferent responses. I wanted to be rescued from my torment-I was desperate to find a way out of a life game that I knew I couldn't win. I even had a therapist stop returning my calls because I ran out of money-even when I pleaded for help and promised to kill myself within 24 hours. Obviously, I did not go through with my threat-more than twenty years into future, I'm very grateful that I didn't.

    I'm going to go out on a limb here and get deep-when thoughts of death overwhelm and overpower, what else is left but to get down to the heart of the matter quickly and efficiently? I know something now that I didn't know all those years ago-I know about the missing self. More specifically-I was missing a relationship with myself that was rooted in truth, kindness and compassion. I was completely dependent upon the opinions of others because I had a relationship with myself that was full of hate and contempt. There were many people in my life who rejected me and treated me coldly but no one was more cruel to me than I was to myself. I never gave myself a break-I never gave myself the room to be human and make mistakes.

    I had conversations with people that were devastating-I cared so much about people who never cared what happened to me. But the most critical conversations that were happening in my life were the ones that I was having with myself. I might be wrong-but I see some similarities to your path and mine, that was why I felt compelled to share some of my story with you. Tremendous change happened in my life when I made a promise to myself-that I would never treat myself the way that so many people had treated me. But first I had to forgive myself for being human, making mistakes and falling short sometimes in my life. Mind you-I'd been a major fuck up and embarrassment to my family for over twenty years by that point so I had a lot to forgive myself for but I did. I forgave them too for never having the kind of compassion towards me that I'd wanted them to have. I forgave myself and everyone else so that I could move on with my life in peace.

    I wanted out of the war, the war inside and the war outside. I got tired of fighting with myself and others-I changed the way that I talked to myself. Instead of self-loathing I felt compassion for myself for all that I had suffered through. I truly believe that people like us are different-we think differently than most and we always will but it doesn't have to be a bad thing, it doesn't have to be the reason that we kick the shit out of ourselves everyday and hate every second of our lives. Believe me when I tell you-the difference between living with a head full of self-hate and a head full of compassion is like night and day. I know that you feel under enormous pressure in your life-but perhaps a little kindness and compassion for yourself might go a long way in providing some relief. I hope that something in my own struggle might be helpful to you-if not, thanks for listening anyway.
  5. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    It is interesting that i see more threads now from people saying that they are being constantly rejected by girls and are lonely. I will probably make thread about this. Not exactly about what troubles me. I already did that. But about what i think about when everyone is leaving you and when girls are rejecting you. I have very strong opinion about it.
    Here i'll just say that i feel with you. It's the same for me. The problem is that i am 33 now. So the loneliness and rejections from girls got really overloaded on me now. And i also think that i look good and i have no physical illness. People are blind. Everyone cares only for their own good. Those who abandon you when you need them most aren't friends. They don't wanna be with you, because they don't wanna feel your sorrow. That's very weak from them. Sadly, this became quite normal in the society now days. No one who suffers like that deserves such behavior from friends. You are not to blame. They are. Hang in there. Realize what's really right and what is wrong. No matter what the majority of people will be telling you. The society went completely down the toilet these days. Don't get influenced by them. That way, you keep your personality. It's important to keep your personality. You might find someone who would appreciate who you are if you keep your personality.
    helpneeded2017 likes this.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Don't fit in myself but that's an entire different story

    Just thinking instead of those fake people who hangs around with money or looks or both and party or whatever when shit is hitting the fan they're gone... been there somewhat. I now have no real true friends to hang out with or lean to. Everyone else seems to have forgotten about me when planning vacations together all I see is FB get togethers and gushing of how much fun they all had then I realized its all my fault. I hid behind work 10 years later. I am now recovering physically from an bad car accident from Jan of this year and none of them came over or said hello how are you on FB when I had knee surgrey. I'm finding myself more alone. More than ever.

    So kinda get that aspect. When one is down there's no one around...but after all that's said and done I'm using this time alone to discover myself
  7. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Why not just accept that what you are going through is a natural process that many experience. Who ever said that life would be easy? Did someone suggest that relationships are long lasting? Being alone does not equate to loneliness. Being alone is an opportunity and not some sort of sentence. Most people would tell you to be strong, but I would suggest you learn to be weak. Learn acceptance and gratefulness will soon follow and then you may become contented. Don't expect immediate results, because growth is a slow process and we pass through the seasons, before becoming fruitful.
    I was once accused of being far to introspective and that I should learn to loosen up. I knew then that I was on the right path and ignored the advice.

    Be weak.
    lifetalkz likes this.