want to kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TG123, Apr 7, 2009.

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  1. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    yesterday the urge to kill myself was so strong. im a junior high school teacher and its a horrible yr. my students dont listen to me, no matter what i do nothing works. the little fucks throw water bottles, yell in my class, totally ignore me or talk back to me. after work i frigging cut myself with knives in the washroom. yesterday was the first day after spring break, i had a new motivational plan, putting them into teams and getting them prizes to work towards, they dont give a shit. im a total failure. i felt like killing myself yesterday, in the school building after everyone left. i dont want to live anymore, im going to work in half an hour and waiting for more of the same. i feel like a walking corpse, im dead already. i believe in God and that Jesus died on the cross for me b/c He loves me, but i dont love or care about myself anymore.
     
  2. kerplunk86

    kerplunk86 Member

    I want to die too though for different reasons. I don't understand why you think the way your students act is a reflection on you as a teacher though. In fact, it sounds like you've done a lot to try and reach these kids, but I'm sorry to say it's just not as always possible.. please don't give up. I think your ideas about teams and prizes is a great idea.. I truly hope you don't let some little jerks kill your drive.
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Snatch there boney little asses up and send them to the principle..It's not your job to be disiplinarian..There has to be some kids in your class that are there to learn..Reach out to them and make a connection with them..If the others don't want to learn then they don't need to be in your class..
     
  4. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    Today they have walked over me, reinforcing that i'm a loser with no control of the class. most dont give a shit about learning, most of them hate me. i dont want to live anymore. july 1st is less than 3 months away but i dont know if i'll live to see it.

    my principal and a teacher friend prayed with me today, i broke down after work. im so ashamed of that, im a guy teacher and the kids made me cry. i was going to cut myself really hard and really deep after work today, the fact they were there probably stopped that.

    the principal is backing me up, but my students hate me and make my life a living hell and completely do not respect me. i was told to crack down tomorrow, take away their breaks. i hope that helps.

    this yr is a write off, i hope next year will be different. if i dont kill myself or go on stress leave (i would sooner kill myself than do that) i have 2 more yrs ahead of me b4 i go back to school and go into nurse training. i like helping people, even if theyre assholes. i hate having to want to make them learn if they dont want to.

    i want to not kill myself between now and july. i thought of tying a rope around my neck and jumping off the rafters but the janitor is a great guy as are my friend teachers and i dont want them to find me. i have parents and a brother and girlfriend and if i killed myself i would hurt them deeply.

    i want to kill myself but i dont want to harm people who are close to me and love me, more than i could ever love or put up with myself.
     
  5. Kunera

    Kunera Well-Known Member

    I sincerely hope things work out for you soon. I can't say I've ever been a teacher's pet, exactly, but I've never gone out of my way to give a teacher hell before. I never understood why people do things like that, as teachers are just as human as anyone else.

    School would be WAY easier if everyone would just grow the fuck up and realize they're there for a reason. Sure, it's not exactly fun, but that's the real world.

    Maybe I've always been really mature, but I've always failed to understand why the majority of students fail to grasp that concept.
     
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Sounds like a crisis situation, and that's why July seems so far off. Could you take medical leave now instead of trying to make it to the end of the year? Would you be willing to go to the hospital and let them help you? When I've been desperate and very close to suicide I went to the ER and saw the crisis team. They were a big help. Anyhow, these are just a few ideas. I hope you can find some in person help where you live. Everyone has their breaking point, sounds like those kids have sent you past yours.
     
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Do you have the same students all day long? The principal should be stepping in at this point and helping you develop a discipline plan and perhaps spending some time in your room. It is difficult to get things back under control after you have lost it. Are there any teachers available that can step in your room occasionally?
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome back to the forum :)

    I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much.

    Getting them prizes to work is bribery..kids like that won't respond to that.I'm sure they don't care how well they do in school,they won't care about prizes either. I used to behave like that when I was in school:unsure: I don't know why,but I did. The best thing you can do with them is suspend them or threaten expulsion. Have you had any help from the principal? You seriously need to talk to him about this. Also,give their parents a call too.

    I'm here if you need to talk :)
     
  9. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    Thanks you guys. I'm glad to hear there are people who see teachers for who we are- PEOPLE. the principal came in today and yelled at the class. he meant well but it only made me feel worse since now they know i need backup and cant take them on my own.

    i fucking broke down after work today, the gym teacher and vice principal (acting principal of our school) prayed for me. if it wasn't for God i would be dead today. most parents do squat. those who say they'll do someting rarely do and their kids come back even worse, and i had parents telling me im a bad teacher and its my problem.

    if im not invited back next year i'll just go back to subbing, at least im good at that. do that and work part time as a telemarketer or security guard or something. ive done telephone surveys and sales b4 and its not the best job but at least i dont come home wanting to kill myself at the end of the day.

    fuck, i'd work 13 hours a day planning lessons and making them as interactive and fun as possible when the year began. i used to go out of my way to buy them treats, id pray with them and be with them when they had major problems, i tutor them for free after school. no im not perfect and i know i made mistakes but damnit ive done so much for them. and they fucking walk over me.

    i want to throw a bloody teargas cannister in there and lock the door on the little fuckers. to beat the shit out of some of them. i shouldnt talk this way and im sorry if i offended anyone. i know God expects so much more from me. Jesus tells me to love my enemies and i hate to admit it but my gr 8s are my enemies. i pray for them and wish them all the best but its so hard not to hate them after work. come june 30th, if i ever were to see them anywhere outside of school i wouldnt even talk to them. if they approached me i would tell them i had a bad dream that lasted 10 months, now its over and i dont know who the fuck you are so piss off.

    damnit im sorry for talking like that. i have to go.
     
  10. bull$hitboy

    bull$hitboy Well-Known Member

    Kids can be so cruel!!! Has your teaching experience always been this way. Also are there "ring leaders" in this abuse, if so can you not have the principal deal with them? Don't take the abuse, get the "powers that be" to step in, killing yourself won't solve it, if you're that fed up, you'd be better off finding a new vocation.
     
  11. kerplunk86

    kerplunk86 Member

    Why are other teachers praying for you at school? The situation sounds very strange to me. I don't understand why action isn't being taken instead of people praying for each other.. also, you really shouldn't be praying with students at school ... it's not the proper place to be doing that. In any event, your situation sounds so much unlike anything I ever experienced in high school.. I mean the students were bad at times, but nothing like you are describing.. can't you write detentions or something similar?
     
  12. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    i work in a Christian school, sorry, should have made that clear. its located in the inner city and we teach mostly inner city kids, so not to sound discriminatory but there are usually more behaviour problems in an area like that. one thing i like about our school is that even though its a private school most of our students come from needy homes, so we arent just teaching "well-off" kids. of course the downside is the behaviour issues [and very low pay, half of what teachers in public schools make :) ].

    action is being taken, but most of what i have tried with this group hasnt worked, thats why its getting to me so much. its tough putting up with this crap day by day by day. i dont think i would ever go thru killing myself, the closest i came to was last night. i wanted to get some sleep and didnt really care if i woke up so i took 5 Tylenol 3s. nothing happened, i'll take more tonight.
     
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Your not going to OD on tylenol 3'S.. All you are going to do is make yourself sick..If you continue to abuse meds you can also cause liver and kidney problems or possibly failure..You should think about seeing a therapist to help you with these issues..From what you have told us they aren't anything to try and kill yourself over. You can work them out in therapy..
     
  14. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    also tg check out to see if you ned antidepressants . maybe if you have depression this would cause you to not be able to deal as well with things.
    prayer is not the answer here you need proper support and maybe a union. not sure if you have them in the usa ( assuming you are there )
    prayer is back up as a personal belief and choice. it will not solve anything in this situation

    be tough with the kids. rewrite the rules with line managment support, go in and say " right, this is how it is... these are the penalties "

    stick to them and be consistent. the kids sound like little shits yes i agree, but there are things you can do with the right approach and support

    stranger ( joseph ) is right.. you will knacker yourself with tylenol only... liver mainly. don't go there. see a dr and get assessed for depression ( even reactive depression needs treating ) , get line management support other than bloody prayer and set up new rules in the classroom. remember that that they may be little bastards but you are the adult and you set the rules.. end of. stick to your punishments. get all the support you can and good luck. and stop harming yourself with meds etc
     
  15. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    my day was better today, though I was constantly having to fight the kids. i'm sticking to my guns about not giving them breaks until they start listening in class and following directions and getting to work. they didn't go for morning break today because of yesterday, and I told them they had the morning to show to me they deserve getting an afternoon break. they were for the most part loud and not doing any work so before lunch I told them they lost their afternoon break too, but that they had the afternoon to work for a break tomorrow morning. they were a bit less loud but still extremely disruptive and rude during Art class. i told them that the Silent Reading period was their last chance to earn their morning break tomorrow. they didn't read quietly and everyone was talking and socializing. so I told them they lost their break tomorrow morning.
    that's when some of the girls (who were doing most of the talking) got really mad and began loudly saying that they need break and that they're a crazy class and "I have to get used to it". they also said they're acting that way because they've been cooped up inside the whole time. LOL they said that giving them breaks will make my life easier. i told them it's actually the other way around, when they start behaving they will go for breaks again and that I'm not really losing any sleep over this. i said they are capable of much better and that I've seen much better from them and I believe in them, but until the class starts behaving there will not be breaks.
    i actually hate doing this to them, breaking them like this. but it seems I have to. God knows I have done everything I could to positively change the situation with positive motivators but it seems like that has gone to waste. the taking away of breaks is at least getting a reaction, even if it is now a furious one. some have already began to "change sides" and yelling at their friends to shut up, and one of my guys said that the class doesn't deserve a break with the behaviour they're giving. once again I hate to be doing this but I'm going to crack down as hard as I have to until they get a clue and smarten up. i don't like being a hardass but it seems like its the only way for now. the vice principal and the other teachers are completely backing me up.

    strangely enough I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday. not because I enjoy doing this to them, but at least they aren't walking over me. they're mad as hell but they're learning there are some very real consequences to their actions. I think soon they'll start to toe the line again and I'll be able to let up. I hate using this strategy but I'm beginning to see it taking some effect and things feel less hopeless than they did yesterday.
     
  16. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    brilliant well done... stick to it and do not budge !
     
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