It's funny when a couple months ago I was bitching about having no job. Then when I did finally found one, a retail job. Thought everything worked out alright, then soon I began bitching about the retail job, about how it gives no opportunity for growth, about how its the same as ending your life. Then, at the time, was seeking other ways for financial support, did an internship for two days then got hired. Was happy about it, finally have a decent job. I was a freelancer there but had full-time hours. Now he wanted to take me on for full-time, I said I couldn't commit to it. Because actually, I hated that job, it paid better than retail, has opportunities, but in the end, its something I don't want to do long-term. Committing to full-time to me meant the same as committing to death. Life is short and I want to spend my days happily living it. Tomorrow 1/3 i have to tell him whether I want to be taken in full-time with employment benefits or continue to work as a freelancer. I'm going to go with freelancing while trying to seek out better options, options that will make me a happier person. I don't care if the pay would be the same as retail, as long as I like the job and am happy with it, then life would be worth living. What sucks is that my family will not support me in whatever I'd do. Family is really important, support from family is really important as i've come to learn. Thing is, I know what their answer would be. My family does not see open possibilities. The way they see it (probably the same answer as everyone else) is this: "Its a tough to find work these days. Of course you should commit to full-time while the opportunity is still there, stupid." When they say that to me, thought they don't know it, it hurts me real bad inside. Its like telling me to commit to death. Commit to a full-time job where you'd feel stressed out and uncomfortable. Its like they don't care whether I'm happy about it or not. All they see is "money, financial support." Yeah, if I told them about what I wanted to do, they'd only call me stupid and in a very loud angry-like tone which makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't know what to do, sometimes the only end result I see is suicide. Sometimes I feel as if my family really helped contribute to my suicidal behavior. All I ever wanted was their support, if they can't even provide that, they mind is well xxxxx and made sure it passed through the heart. In lighter news, I think i will seek medication again to deal with my depression. Then again, seeking medication requires dialing a number, and customer service is a pain in the ass to deal with, sometimes, why bother calling. Again, everything comes circling back to suicide.