Want to sleep & never wake up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fitzy, Dec 31, 2010.

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  1. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Just had a quiet but happy NYE - lovely contact with family (the family I choose, not the one I was born in to)
    Now I'm on my own and I'd really like to die please. I have failed in so many ways and I'm not the woman I thought I would turn out to be.
    I have the method but I can't cope if it goes wrong. If it goes right I can't bear how it will affect my daughter. I worry about her mh and want to take her with me. Now she has dumped the bf that I loved I feel less guilty about thinking that.
    Why can't we just have an "off" switch?
    There's twenty paces between me and the method. It's calling me.
    Don't do it. Stay where you are. Breathe and wait for sleep (mini oblivion)
    I know that painkillers don't give a peaceful death but that is what I crave - to sleep and never wake up. Craved it since I was seven - 45 years ago. It's too long a time. Time it stopped. Time I stopped - living that is.
     
  2. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    painkillers are not the way you wanna die hun..
    in general i suggest not doing it at all
     
  3. ~Young-Violet~

    ~Young-Violet~ Banned Member

    Hey,
    Sorry to hear you are feeling so low and bsuicidal, death will only pass your pain on to someone else, such as your daughter who you seem to really love. Were are humans we all fail at times learning to get back up on to two feet leaveing the past behind it's finally a new year time to start fresh and calm, don't let your past put you down, the advice you offer here is amazing, I see you post after post after post you help so many people, SF community would be devistated to see you hurt, we all care about you please don't hurt yourself look after yourself.
    Take Care x
     
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    What's triggered you hun?
     
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    oh Fitzy, I wish you felt better.

    I can't remember if I asked you if you have tried ect or not.
     
  6. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I always struggle with NYE as it highlights how lonely I feel and what a loser I am - last night I talked with someone from my past and it overwhelmed me. I really wanted to take those painkillers and went as far as getting the packets from the cupboard. It took a lot of thought and effort but I eventually flushed them down the loo. I was exhausted and was able to sleep.
    Today I feel tired and flat but I am back under control.
    Thanks.
    Re ect - it is not something I have ever considered. I'm being treated by my GP with Sertraline but I have been referred to a pdoc - I have an appointment early Feb. I think ect isn't used much in the UK - what would the benefit be?
    Anyway the lid is back on the pressure cooker for now. I know that I have to actively tackle this illness because I can't carry on like this. SF is going to be invaluable to me.
    X
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad to hear you had the strength of mind to get rid of the meds I hope soon you will get the help you need to get rid of the sadness and pain or at least lessen it some take care hugs
     
  8. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you dumped the meds - thank goodness! You don't want to leave your daughter behind, but you can't take her with you, either. That would be awful.
     
  9. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    So glad you feel a bit more in control. Its weird how holidays affect us isn't it? You'd think that we'd be able to look at NYE as just another date but it doesn't work like that.
    I actually think it's quite natural to have some sadness at this time of year. Its the end of one cycle and the beginning of another and we're bound to feel some sensitivity.
    Make sure you prepare well for the appointment with the PDoc. I'm happy to go through stuff with you if you like. Just pm me.
    You need to have as much knowledge as possible going in (in my experience) and you also need to be prepared for the length of time it takes to get things sorted where the NHS is concerned.
    We're all here to support you though and you know that people here care about you. You're not a failure despite what you think. You're a survivor and that's an incredible thing to be.
    Stay strong xxxxxx
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    How are you feeling today Fitzy? :hug:
     
  11. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Fitzy :hugtackles: we love you! I hope you're okay :) If you need anything feel free to PM me. Hang in there hon. We are all here for you
     
  12. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your support. I feel calmer now if slightly flat. I have decided to keep a mood diary from now until I see the psychiatrist. Trouble is I'm so lacking in motivation that I am sure I will fail at that!
    I have to do some positive thinking. Change my thoughts = change of feelings!
    xxxxxx
     
  13. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    A mood diary is a fantastic idea and will help you prepare for the PDoc. When I'm unable to fill it in properly I just do a sad or smiley face (usually the sad face if I'm demotivated and the happy face when I'm just too busy). Positive thinking is also good.
    Stay strong!
     
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    oh, hey, sorry I didn't post here sooner. I've been away from SF for a few days and have been obsessing about the lottery.

    A friend of mine got ect and had good things to say about it.

    I saw a program on public television that had some good things to say about it too, that it was the best treatment for depression.

    I think if you're taking meds and you are still suicidal, some additional treatment is needed. I hope the pdoc can help!
     
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope you are okay Fitzy a little stronger now holidays stuff is all over I found it very hard too. Have you got a hold of your pdoc so you can get some extra help Hugs to you and your daughter keep safe okay
     
  16. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your responses. I'm still struggling a bit (and awake at 3am). I have good intentions for tomorrow - we'll see!?
    I see the psych on Feb 2 - I'm actually proud that I was able to make the appointment.
    I'm keeping a mood diary and setting myself goals for each day. Failed at yesterday's goal which was to go to work hence the good intentions for tomorrow - today now.
    My daughter has gone to Egypt and just sent me a text about a moonlight camel trek!!
     
  17. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    wow! a moonlight camel trek in Egypt sounds cool!
     
  18. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I'm only slightly jealous!!!
     
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