I just... I can't deal with the depressions. It's just too much, I would gladly give up feeling happy and not being able to smile if it meant not having to deal with the shitty moods and the depressive periods, and the suicidal thoughts all night, every night. I have to try and drown my thoughts out, but now that's getting hazardous as I'm getting tinnitus constantly and it's damaging my hearing. I'm lucky enough to have someone who cares for me, and who I care about a great deal, but I don't want to put the burden of me feeling this crappy onto her, she has her own problems to deal with and they're enough without me adding to the mix. I'd drink but I can't afford it. I'd smoke weed but I told myself I'd stop all drugs for my girlfriend. I don't want to be this emotional. I'd be happy as an unemotional cyberman. Please. I want out. Music and that one person, are the only things keeping me going, the rest is just background noise.