Want to take the next steps

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by elvinchild, Aug 14, 2009.

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  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling really tempted to take further steps towards suicide tonight. I mean, finalize a plan, and get the items required to go through with it. Just so that I feel like if I reach my breaking point, its actually feasible to end it all. Right now it would take me at least a couple days and at most several weeks to get a method together. And I know its depressing but I just want to feel like... suicide is a real possibility. That I could really put an end to this ceaseless pain. I am sooo tired, I just want to rest. Forever. No living rest would be good enough, because it is only temporary, and I will always feel guilty, and still be haunted by a thousand painful memories and all of the problems in my life and my own faults, and I will eventually have to return to work. No temporary rest will do. I need forever. My life has been drained... I really do not have much life left in me, and it can't be restored.

    I bought a book on how to commit suicide. I think I've settled on a method. I just have to gather more details about the process and get the actual items. But its shameful, I'm afraid someone will find out... I will be living with someone soon and may require something to be delivered to the door, I don't know how I'd hide it... And as much as I want the relief of the thought that I can spontaneously end it, I'm also afraid that I will spontaneously end it without preparation, leaving no time for the proper goodbye and leaving my mother to live out her life in suffering (she's really sensitive, everyone else will get over it). Ugh.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun why not invest some time in finding methods to help you cope better with the pains you are dealing with? Or even a good book on something that maybe once held interest for you. Making and taking the time to read it would be a start to finding a little down time and a chance for you to rest. I know not the rest you are talking about. It wont end the turnmoil and draining effect of just trying to hold out each day. But by taking some time for just you, it might help you to find a different solution as well. Please at least give it some thought?
  3. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I already am, I go to therapy twice a week and am good and practice my coping skills, I'm on a treatment plan with a doctor, I've taken a month off from work... So I'm taking time to myself and it all helps a little but it doesn't really change the core problems, I've still lost almost all my friends at least I'm not really close to any of them anymore, my family relationship is disastrous, I still can't deal with people and am still ridiculed and put down because I am fundamentally nonfunctional, I'm still so tired of life.
  4. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    I just wanted to give you a hug!

  5. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    To be honest I don't really know what to say right now... BUt, hangon yeh? Don't get your plans sorted, or the things you need. The fact that it will take you a few days when you wanna do it to be able ot do it is good. Because then by that time you might feel better...

    That doesn't make sense... Sorry.

    But please hang on hun? Stay strong :hug:
  6. sweetpea0

    sweetpea0 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel about wanting end it all. But give yourself a little more time. Talk to your therapist about what's going on. Talk to us here. Please don't do anything. We would miss you here. We are your friends.
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