I'm feeling really tempted to take further steps towards suicide tonight. I mean, finalize a plan, and get the items required to go through with it. Just so that I feel like if I reach my breaking point, its actually feasible to end it all. Right now it would take me at least a couple days and at most several weeks to get a method together. And I know its depressing but I just want to feel like... suicide is a real possibility. That I could really put an end to this ceaseless pain. I am sooo tired, I just want to rest. Forever. No living rest would be good enough, because it is only temporary, and I will always feel guilty, and still be haunted by a thousand painful memories and all of the problems in my life and my own faults, and I will eventually have to return to work. No temporary rest will do. I need forever. My life has been drained... I really do not have much life left in me, and it can't be restored. I bought a book on how to commit suicide. I think I've settled on a method. I just have to gather more details about the process and get the actual items. But its shameful, I'm afraid someone will find out... I will be living with someone soon and may require something to be delivered to the door, I don't know how I'd hide it... And as much as I want the relief of the thought that I can spontaneously end it, I'm also afraid that I will spontaneously end it without preparation, leaving no time for the proper goodbye and leaving my mother to live out her life in suffering (she's really sensitive, everyone else will get over it). Ugh.