want to wreak havoc on my body

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by raiinbowjunkiie, Aug 22, 2009.

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  1. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    I've always dreamed of slicing open my arm because it bleeds the most, and I love seeing the blood, but then people would see it and the shit would hit the fan. But I've found other places that can be concealed and still draw large amounts of blood.
    So here I am, typing as my depression from yesterday builds up with the depression from today, the tetras pieces that keep accumulating until finally there's no more space left and the screen flashes and goes crazy. Game over. I cannot shake these feelings of hopelessness and isolation, and this depression is nameless, I cannot attach it to any reason. And these words are worthless, they hold no meaning to anyone but myself, and so once I release them out into the world they will spontaneously combust like a virus that is exposed to oxygen once it crosses the threshold of its host's exit and leaves the body. My struggle means nothing to outsiders, no one cares. The initial shaking has subsided to a dull, constant trembling that settles in my bones. But I still feel like puking my guts out. Maybe it's the head ache that's making me nauseous. I really don't know. I should probably go upstairs and lie down but that would mean having to listen to my parents yell, and then I'll want to see my own blood. Seeing that raw skin exposed makes me feel like matters are not out of my hands; it's right there, the evidence that I'm in control, and the throbbing of each wound exercising its own heart beat makes me feel like my hands are not so incapacitated after all. And then there's the blood. I love seeing the blood. It's probably a prerequisite of wanting to see myself dead, like a reenactment of my most brutal self destructive feelings. But then I hate myself even more after the fact, so I will try my damndest not to cut. Even though I don't really try anymore because I don't even care if I cut. I stopped making a real effort. So it just might happen. In fact I already have a knife and a shard of glass ready. This is not a depressive episode where I have the luxury of venting through tears. Instead, my body takes out the depression on itself in other ways. The dreaded physical symptoms that only arrive on your worst days but make up for the long times that they are away. Fatigue, migraine, nausea, a general worn out feeling, feeling sick, and miserable. And I refuse, I staunchly refuse to unload this pain onto other people. This depression is like matter: it cannot be created or destroyed, but simply changes form and is transferred to other receivers. In order for me to unload some of this baggage, I would have to hand it over to someone else. And then the stress of dealing with a depressed, suicidal person would cause someone I love, a friend, unnecessary grief. No more people have to suffer because of me. So I will meet this challenge on my own. But I just want to go to bed and not wake up.
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi shari..
    i can relate 2 ur post so much.. i also self harm..
    try not 2 think that telling some1 u love how ur feeling- will cause unnecessary grief.. im sure they love u just as much as u do them .. and want 2 see u recover from this :hug:
    mabye u could try seeing a therapist? ur doctor/gp should be able 2 arrange one..
    are u taking any medication.. since i started taking anti depressants i dont self harm as much as i used 2.. it could help u aswel..
    i hope u keep posting around the forum.. u explain urself so well.. u can tell ur very intelligent :)
    take care.. pm me anytime x
  3. catnip43

    catnip43 Active Member

    Rainbow, I too can relate to you post. I think I posted about the same time as you did last night. I too am a cutter. It just started a couple months ago. I started as a result of several puncture wounds due to trying to break up a fight between my cat and a stray. I remember stading there at the sink, looking at the blood and I realized the physical pain had numbed the mental pain even if temporarily. My Mom doesn't know it. And if she did she would freak. I was so bad off last night that for the first time in my life I had to call the suicide crisis line. (I think it's the same number that's on the "sticky" post here). I agree with Mandy; don't take this all out on yourself and don't worry about telling someone u love how much you are hurting. I am notorious for not being able to reach about, but because of a huge financial burden I'm going through, and some other stuff, I HAD to! I see a therapist and I got the courage to go to a support group (in person) for BP/Depression through DBSAlliance.org. You might want to look them. I can relate so much to your post, except for me, I have nobody else living with me. I have my Mom a few miles down the road and Dad passed away when I was twelve. You've made the first step already and are "reaching out". I've been lurking around for a while but up until las night I didn't want to "bother" anyone with anything that might sound "petty", but that's what this forum is about. Please keep posting and PM me if you want. I haven't figured out how to add friends and stuff but I'm working on it.


  4. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for all of your support! I actually feel a lot better this morning, and I did not give in to the urge. You guys are right, my friends are actually amazing and have supported me unconditionally, I'm just so afraid that one day that kindness will evaporate like a mirage. So I'm terrified of taking advantage of their hospitality.
    But that's the depression talking for me, it's not the way things really are. Just gotta keep that in mind.
    I really appreciate all of your support, and always know that you guys can PM me as well. I love helping anyone who needs it, so feel fee to contact me any time!
    Together, we can stay strong, and safe. I already heart you guys.
    *HUGS* =]
  5. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    Shari... its me rich, i want to talk with you. please talk to me, i promised i would never let you down and promised i would be there, but i can only be there if you ask. please talk to me, i never want to see you hurt you mean the world to me.
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