Wanted to Die for years

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shad, Sep 11, 2009.

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  1. Shad

    Shad Active Member

    I have much appreciation this site. It has helped me thru some tough times in my life. After going thru three divorces, child support and custody hearings for the last twenty some years all I ever wanted to do was die.
    I am still considering it. Over the last year Ive had six heart attacks.
    Last week my Doctor put another stent in my heart and informed me that my heart will only last about another 6 months to a year. He said its to weak for open heart surgery and recommended me for a transplant.
    My mind is totally fried. I dont know what to think. The lady at UPMC transplant office said the list is long sometimes takes a year or two.
    Now I'm staring death in the face and if I think about it too much all I do is cry. I just feel like a body going thru the motions. The thought of someone else dying so I can live doesnt make me feel any better. Like I know I dont deserve it if I had the chance. On top of all that the doctor gave me that news infront of my mother. Now the world knows Im terminal.
    On one hand I want to live. And on the other hand I'm not prepared for the upcoming months and what is instore for me in the near future.
    I just had so much I wanted to do with life. I wanted a sailboat all my life and I finally got one. It seems my dreams have collapsed.
    I try to stay strong and not let anyone know how weak I am inside.
    Ive been more depressed now than I have ever been in my life.
  2. poetbassplayer

    poetbassplayer Active Member


    Saying a prayer for you...

  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun you are a fighter, a survivor. Look at what life has thrown on your plate so far. And you kept going, fighting the battles and you're still here. Just like people are still here to help and support you anyway we can with your new battle. And as for letting others see your pain, that might be a good thing at this time. Let them help you through it so you can build up your strength to help you through the next battle. You are not weak inside or out. You have had more than your share of stuff to deal with. Even the strongest of people would feel worn out and beaten like you do right now. Weak no way. Tired, scared, confused yep. I have health issues that are leaving big gaps and questions about my future so I can relate somewhat with what you are feeling. But dont give in to the uncertainty. Keep fighting. Use that fight to help push all the negative stuff out there so that you can deal with it. Please dont give up now hun. There is still that life you want to live. Fight for it!!!!
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think there has to be a balance betw living life as fully as we can and being genuine about how we feel...please know that SF is the place for you to be able to express how you truly feel...big hugs, J
  5. lancsDavid

    lancsDavid New Member

    f**king hell dude. 6 heart attacks!!!

    at this rate u're not gonna need to top urself
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Shad, I just wanted to say I've read your post and you're in my thoughts, I hope it will get better, keep talking if it helps x
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