Wanted to die since age 6. 44 now, still want to be gone
- Thread starter jodes
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My parents were having really bad arguments. Also although I've forgiven her, my mum wasn't the best mother, she could have been worse but she could have been better. We talk more now but we never had a strong bond. Sorry I feel uncomfortable being more specific. But it had a knock on effect like difficulty making any friends that persists to this day
I feel like 6 is a very young age to grasp a concept like suicide. I'm sorry you went through these things. There were issues with my family also when I was 6, but I find that I can't actually remember them. Only reason I know is because I was told later on in life. These memories must really be triggering for you. Perhaps you may want to address these childhood issues first on your recovery journey.
I've wanted to die since I was around six or seven. At the time, I came up with this idea that I was supposed to die in the car accident I was involved in and didn't, so now my life is "useless" and that's why everything is hard. That's why I felt God didn't love me or give me any ways to escape what I was feeling. I am eighteen now, and I know for a fact I will always feel the same. It's engrained in my way of thinking. I cannot find the value in my life. I can't look past all of the things I've done, the way I'm seen by others, etc. It has just never felt worth living to me. Since I was a kid, I've felt old. Now, I feel like I'm already dead and decomposing, or maybe even like I've lived a thousand lives already and I'm fucking tired of it. It's crazy seeing someone older who experienced being suicidal as a kid-- especially someone who's always felt that way. Kind of good seeing I'm not alone in it, and maybe there's a possibility I could live past twenty.
I hope that you can live a long time with minimal problems. I also am concerned how others see me and I'm much older than you. I did feel like that when I was your age, but it gets better.
Also, welcome to this forum although sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. It's a good place to express how youre feeling to kind, caring and nonjudgemental members.
Also, welcome to this forum although sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. It's a good place to express how youre feeling to kind, caring and nonjudgemental members.
so sorry my friend. You are not a coward. takes a real strong brave person to hold on for so long. I was suicidal for 8 years and that felt like and eternity. I hope you feel better soon my friend
The first time I remember being in an actual suicidal crisis was when I was 12 in grade 7. I was being bullied badly in school, abused by my dad (physically, sexually, emotionally), & witnessed domestic violence between my parents. I remember trying to figure out in my mind how to get out of my situation. I had no safe adults around me. Running away wasn't the answer because I knew I'd wind up on the streets, drug addicted, & vulnerable to child perpetrators. I felt completely trapped. That's when suicide became an option for me. I don't remember how long I was in crisis. It was long enough, though, for me to experience impulses, formulate a plan in my mind, go to school with all that going on, & finally abandon my plan because I loved my mom & didn't want to hurt her by k*lling myself. That was my first of many suicidal crises that came to plague & haunt my life. I'm still struggling during a crisis now. This was so embarrassing to admit to.
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