wanting it anonymous

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by abyss, Sep 27, 2008.

  1. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i have a husband i love very much. he's saved my life over and over and i can never thank him enough for all the good he's done in my life. i have no desire to ever have another mate.

    but here's the stickler. sex. its pretty infrequent with us. i know some of it is him (tired after work, busy, not a very sexual person), and some of it is me (some underlying fears and baggage in regards to sex). but the problem lies in my sex drive. its high. i crave it. i think about it alot. even when i'm going through a phase where i'm revolted by it, i still neeeeed it. i've felt like this since i was in like 1st grade, hiding in my closet touching myself. i'm ashamed of the way i feel. i'm ashamed of my focus on sex. more then that i'm ashamed that i find myself wishing i could have anonymous meaningless 'fuck me' sex with strangers instead of with my husband. with him its connection, with him its love-making, with him it matters. but i can't get off properly with him cuz of all that.

    i need to have control. i need to not care about the enjoyment or satisfaction of my partner. i don't want to look them in the eye. i don't want them to kiss me. i want to be 'fucked'. i'm not into pain, or s&m, or any typical kind of control issues. it was good with my ex, i was never really in love with him. he lusted after me and i would turn him on just for kicks. i'd be a tease. i'd lead him on. then we'd go at it like bunnies. there was no love in the way so i didn't feel weighed down with baggage and worries, insecurities and fear.

    what is wrong with me? anyone ever felt this way? and does anyone have any advice on how to deal sexually in my marriage. I DO NOT WANT TO CHEAT OR LEAVE MY HUSBAND. i just want to be happy in my own marital bed. any ideas?
  2. physician

    physician Well-Known Member

    it might be a symptom if u r bipolar or have BPD.. :cool:
  3. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    BPD. does that mean i'm just stuck? or is there some way of dealing with these thoughts/feelings?
  4. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Its very difficult when you love someone, and you concentrate on trying to please them, and not focus on your own enjoyment. Its important, because its your husband and you love him, you place weight on it, you want it too be good for him, you think about how he likes it. Unlike masturbation for example, then its all about pleasing yourself, indulging your own dirty thoughts and getting lost in them, your isolated in your own world, and more familiar with your body than any partner will be. Thats probably why some men and women have better orgasms on their own.

    I think you gotta try and make it a bit dirty and random. The less thought, the better. A lot of women require more foreplay then men, which makes it tougher I think, because foreplay gives you time to think.
  5. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    thx. i'm not sure how receptive he'll be... he's kinda a missionary position kinda guy, at least he is now. i guess before he met me he was a bit more varied. oh well. maybe masterbation is the only real way to get around the problem. kinda a bummer tho.
  6. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    hun, that sounds really hard. and honestly, i understand more than i might let on.
    Have you thought about pretending he is someone else? just once? do everything you might do with a stranger and show him what you want. maybe it could help.

  7. XXXXX

    XXXXX Antiquities Friend

    I beleive that is a good decision for you longterm - given how you have spoken about him. Not something to even risk throwing away for a short term "solution". (not to say this is the answer for everyone of course, as marriages do vary!).

    Identifying a problem and seeking a solution before it becomes a big problem (for both of you) is what marriage involves. And also accepting that their may be no perfect answer, and that any compromise may mean neither of you are entirely satisfied - but you accept less than perfection because you love them not in spite of their shortcomings, but because of them.

    Sounds like you can and have seperated the physical act of sex from making love. Nothing wrong with that, indeed could be part of the solution. It might be that your husband has not done so, at least not with you as he feels that sex needs to always be lovemaking because he feels you deserve no less. Maybe restrict the lovemaking to times and places where you both have the time and energy to do so (It may be "boring" but the marital bed works well for making love!)......but also both be aware that you can also simply have sex, anyplace, anytime and very short sex at that (a quickie over the kitchen table or in the car etc).....with no great emotional demands apart from getting your rocks off (and for that the answer may also be in your hands, as well as his - litterally :tongue:).......and for that to happen you may have to be proactive, but the advantage you have is that blokes are essentially quite simple creatures :laugh: you get hold of our wedding tackle and sooner rather than later we get the desire to do something with it :biggrin: I have had sex many times in the past where she(s!) would initiate to fend off feelings of insecurity, not to say I hated it! but we both knew what was happening and why......and that I would rather have been asleep or watching TV :eek:hmy:

    Of course talking to your husband is the key - obviously without implying he is a sexual failure :tongue:

    All the above IMO etc etc......and don't blame me etc etc :tongue:
  8. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    Be truthful and tell him.
  9. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    thank you. especially xxxxxx. maybe it would be possible to differentiate sex forms for both of us. idk, i can only imagine a 24 year old guy would prolly like have 'meaningless' quickies with his wife now and then. i think that could actually help alot of things if i could get him on board with the idea.

    thank you again. i think i'll talk to him tonite...or maybe tomarrow if i chicken out tonite, lol.
  10. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    Good luck talking to him--I think that's probably the best way.

    Maybe something to try would be a kind of roleplay scenario? That way you wouldn't feel obligated to act like his wife, and he wouldn't have to act like your husband--you could have sex like two completely different people. Even if you don't do any of the "Cheesy" stuff like dress up or anything, just the mental separation of "This isn't really us" might help.
  11. One Dagger

    One Dagger Member

    about talking to your husband.. i dont think it would be a great idea to tell him you'd rather be f*cking some random guy who couldnt care less about you..

    It would need some careful planning so as not to make him feel sexually unwanted
  12. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    there's nothing wrong with you.
    you said you have some fears and baggage regarding sex.
    it just sounds like you have a fear of truly getting close to someone.
    you could always try going to a sex therapist, or a regular therapist that might be able to help you work on your intimacy and control issues. it doesn't sound like something that will just naturally resolve itself, sounds like there's stuff that needs to be worked out.
    wish you all the best :heart:
  13. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    my opinion is that you need things to be 'spiced' up a bit, happens in most relationships and it helps to be like a teenager again, be sponataneous, fuck round the back of bike sheds, golfing greens etc, why dont you both write a list of sexual fantasies youve always wanted to try, then write a list of the most random places to have sex and mix an match, you got yourself a fun list to try to achieve.....trust me i tried it n it even led to sex up a tree (very hard), in the river, beach, peoples front gardens! etc.....:biggrin: