Wanting love

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Aerial, Sep 22, 2009.

  1. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    So many of us here want a loving relationship with someone else. Someone we can trust and someone that will love us unconditionally. We also want someone who will understand our struggles and weaknesses and rather than back away like most, they will stay by our sides and assist us through the hard times.

    But when we ask for a lover, is that "lover" really ourselves that we ask for? For me, there's been this burning desire to find someone who completes me all these years I've been depresed, but I know I struggle with self-hatred too. That's got to mean something deeper.

    I think my desperate need to love and accept myself has been displaced into an intense desire to find someone who will love me the way I wish I loved myself. I still want to believe that that perfect person is out there for me, but I am so messed up right now. My desire for love is really a cry for help in being able to love myself. I hate admitting this because I want to still believe I am ready for a relationship. I know I'm not. It's like a parent telling you that you can't have something you really think you want. The parent is right though. Heal first.

    I can and do have friends, but even my desire for close friendships goes back to my desire to love and accept myself. I put conditions on myself, I judge myself, I hate myself, I feel lonely, I want to accept my secrets, I want to feel beautiful and wanted, I find it hard to care for myself sometimes. I want all of these things to be fulfilled by friendships and relationships so badly that it's become an obsession. The hard pill to swallow is that no other person can do this for me simply because I am too weak to help and love myself. :(

    How does anyone overcome this because it's hard to tell when a desire for friendship or love is healthy, not dependent on my inadequacies.

    Because I have this displaced desire for self-love, I know that if a close friendship or love affair ended with someone, it would send me over the edge. If I was healthy and not so fragile, I'd be able to adjust and move on like a healthy person. That's what tells me that my mad desire for other people's love is a symptom my inability to love myself.

    Does anyone else struggle with this?
  2. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    my thoughts exactly... i too want to be loved but not just loved... i wanna be loved for ME not what i do, or how i behave. and your right, its because i dont love myself... but i cant believe the fact that even if i accepted myself (loving myself, not likely), i probably still couldnt have a satisfying relationship. simply because i'm not sure i could handle its ending... depending on the circumstances, i may cut or worse... and to risk my well being for happiness temp. isnt worth it.

    so it would appear my fate is sealed.
  3. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I imagine that once a person learns how to love him or herself, they are able to get over a breakup without completely falling apart. If I feel like I want to end my life over a mash up, then I am thinking I must be pretty expendable to myself. That means I don't see myself with that much value to begin with. The other person I am distraught over has more value than me. I've been at this point. I haven't tried to actually go through with suicide before, but I struggle with constant thoughts of wanting to end it all which is bad enough. I know this is the pain talking. I want to live, I just want be able to cope better.

    It's very hard for me to imagine not being a fragile person. I've been this way so long. I know I can think my way through stuff even if I'm fucked up and confused a lot of the time. That's one good thing about me I guess. I think the loving yourself stuff makes sense. Handling the stresses of life has to become more tolerable when that happens. I'm still trying to figure out just how I'll get to that point if ever. It's so overwhelming. I gotta a lot of work to do that I don't know where to begin.

    Maybe being on this board is the right step. I've got a place to release now, sort out my thoughts, whereas before I shut all of this up inside. I felt like I was dying inside.

    Think back to the days when there was no internet. No one could could just log online and find support like this under a cloak. No one wants to out their dark side to just anyone face to face, so that must've been insanely hard to seek out support.
  4. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I don't think there is such a thing as "unconditional" love. What kind of person would allow it to be unconditional? Such a person would be very colourless... you'd basically have to lack personality, then. Either the love is conditional and strong, or it's unconditional and entirely dull to the point of not really even being love.

    Some thoughts on being okay after a breakup if you love yourself.... while I do feel hatred towards myself at times, and judge myself far too harshly, I would've been completed through my ex-girlfriend, if it hypothetically had lasted longer, and through that, I would've been entirely happy with myself. Since she was unfaithful to me before we even had met, meaning I didn't lose my virginity to her, I have now managed to overcome what happened and I now am back where I was before I met her... despite not being entirely happy with myself, since I do not have my true love (and never did have her). However, had I lost my virginity to her, I would've been entirely crushed and would've had no way out than killing myself as soon as possible... just seek out the best building to throw myself from and end it. Furthermore... I just fail to see why anyone would just want to be happy with theirself, and be content with being without your other half... how can a person work that way? Such people must be very emotionally lacking. Life is absolutely nothing if you don't have your true love... or it should be, anyway... for me, I already look great but if I'd add also being rich, having a nice house, having maybe made several games that people have loved, maybe become a famous photographer... maybe also an actor in some great movies and whatever else that would be nice... none of that would make me feel spiritually better in the least. Only finding my true love would do that to me... and would complete me in every way. Those who do not see it the same way can only be emotionally lacking... so those who can just be happy by themselves must be emotionally lacking.

    That you're one of those who do see it this way does not automatically mean that you see yourself as lacking in value... it just means that you're emotional and that your emotions need that person you dream of. If you agree with that you need that particular person to make your life worth something, it just means that you seek a life whose end value is endlessly stronger than any other type of living... since the love would complete you and make you whole.

    To those who disagree.... I know how arrogant I'm sounding... don't care, though... and, after all, I am arrogant. Just speaking my mind... hmm, this became very long... and I wasn't even sure if I would bother with expressing my view on it, at first.
  5. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    That is funny.. I don't even find one person who let me love him. People just denye all feelings what i have. There is no one who accept my liking or loving. I am too disgusting

  6. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    Why did I write if it had lasted "longer"? So silly. Either it last forever or it's useless. My use of the word "longer" may give the impression that I'd be okay with that it'd last for long, even if not forever. Not so. Love must last forever to mean something. True love does that... it lasts for all eternity, through what we call "death" and beyond to infinity.
  7. Aerial

    Aerial Well-Known Member

    I never thought about it this way. Maybe some people are naturally happier being alone. Apart from having the issues that I have, I know in the future I want my life to include a serious relationship. I'm not happy with only material possessions but no deep and meaningful relationships. It seems some people are and they are fine with that. They'll have the house, the car, the friends, a good place to live, and they'll be happy with that because they enjoy casual dating over the course of their lives. It's all they need, so a relationship is not high on their list. Maybe they are less emotional people like you said, so their priorities and values are different in life.

    I've tried the casual dating route and it just doesn't work for me. I like to have a steady partner. I like to get to know someone and build a connection. This is why I wasn't sure if I wanted to try Plenty of Fish. I don't mind making new friends though as I think that would be good for me.

    I'm feeling better about my long distance infatuation. It's slowly becoming less of a focus for me. I've lost more interest as the days go by. I'm at the point where I only care about healing and moving on. That's made me feel a little better this week.
  8. papertiger

    papertiger Member

    I don't know if it helps, but this comes from the other side.

    I'm one of those people that are happier being alone, at least at this point in my life. I guess I must be one of those emotionally lacking people. :dry:
    Of course I consider this choice quite often because most people want to be in a relationship and it can be lonely when everyone else has a partner. But at some point I realized I really do prefer being alone.
    It is probably an issue in itself, but the idea or a relationship feels like a burden to me. Especially after my own attempt after spending most of my life constantly worrying about what other people are thinking.

    I need to focus on me now and becoming happy with myself before I would even consider a relationship, mostly because I dislike the idea of dependence to the point where you don't feel like you can't function without being in a relationship.
    I have a very supportive family, and a very tight circle of friends and that is plenty for me. I'm a natural loner and when I want to be social I have them, but having to constantly be aware of another person is draining for me. I need a lot of alone time to keep from going crazy. I've been surrounded by so much drama without trying that I try to remove any situations that might to lead to it. In this I'm in an opposite position than most but I like being on my own. My ideal life would be an apartment of my own with a few dogs, a well stocked library, a nice studio, and the internet.

    I wouldn't say I've sworn off relationships completely. I'm open to it but I'm not actively seeking it out. I figure if it happens, it happens, if not, it's not a big deal.