I have never posted anything like this on a forum but i am completely lost and scared and have no one else to talk to about it. I'm very poor, no insurance to see a therapist (ive not even had medical assistance or insurance in 10 years) and i have multiple health problems. Ill get to these health problems in a moment. I honestly have no options left to me in the moment and can only see suicide as a way of ending the problems that are going on. First i am unable to support myself due to health problems, every job ive had has lasts me months at the longest. I have chrons disease, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, possible heart failure (the ER doc said last visit).. Everyone around me (family wise) thinks i am slacking off and dont want to work, when in truth all i want is to live a normal life AWAY from them. I don't want to rely on their "help" as their help always comes attatched with the condition that i let them control every facet of my existance from the times i sleep and wake, to how many showers i take, what i can or cant eat, who i can or cant see, whether i can use my phone or not, whether i can use my pc.. Since i was 14 years old i've had nothing but tension with my grandparents they raised me, and controlled me, sheltered me so much i dont know how to even cope in the world now. Between the ages of 21 and 29 i've attempted suicide several times, and engaged in self injury simply to FEEL something. I've lived with grandparents who nitpick, degrade me, poke at me about my weight, my appearance, gender identity, how i clean my house, how i do my hair.. my spiritual beliefs, you get the picture..they NEVER find anything good about me, grandmother is always screaming at me calling me names, four letter words in the worst moments. I NEVER do anything right in her eyes, shes constantly criticizing me, and if i tell her shes hurting my feelings, or how she makes me feel she blows up and starts screaming, throwing things, telling me im ungreatful and nasty and that ive hurt her feelings when all shes done is spend her money and raise me with "Love".. Uhm well it seems that her love IS love, and shes wonderful with me as long as i do things HER way, if i dont she bad mouths me to other family members and it hurts horribly. It always ends up being about HER, how much i hurt HER by being ungreatful. She can never accept that she hurts me emotionally,psychologically and spiritually.. it's always ME thats the bad guy..i think she hates me because of my gender identity.. my family is strict catholic and they are always ranting about how gay or bi people are an abomination. I'm gay and it wasnt a CHOICE, i surely wouldnt WILLING choose to endure the humiliation and pain that dealing with my orientation has caused. My family is so stressful to live with that i was driven to the Emergency room for anxiety countless times, i drank and took pain pills for years to escape reality of living with them, indulged in self injury and multiple suicide attempts ive failed in.. I LOVE my family even though they have caused me so much damage but living with them is impossible without endangering my safety. EVERYTHING is controlled if i allow them in my life. Unfortunately i have NO choice right now. To make a long story short, my father passed away in jan. of 06 leaving me some money with which i bought a house, thinking that the woman i loved with all my heart was going to move in with me, we had made plans to be roomates. See my grandparents were selling their house and moving into a 36 foot RV to travel and live in for a while. I absolutely refused going on their RV because living in a house with doors was bad enough, let alone having that woman in my face 24/7.. i knew i would end up committing suicide once she got me on that RV and i had no place to hide from her insults, degrading and picking at me constantly. Anyway my friend (or should i say love interest) and her mother came out bringing her things for the move and over thanksgiving everything crashed, my grandmother took my girl's mum aside and told her things that upset her about me (things that werent true) and the angry mum took her daughter back to the state they lived, and i was left with a house and no way to survive alone. I lost my job due to the massive stress of the move going wrong had the biggest nervous breakdown ever then ended up in the hospital in march nearly died of pneumonia (i wish i had just died it would have stopped the misery before it got worse) this was such a traumatic time in my life.. the city im in wouldnt let me put my mobile home anywhere but 3 miles outside the city in county land, and i DONT drive or have a car, no one to give me rides. i spent 400.00 a month just to go to and from work in a cab. All i made went to transportation. family had to start paying my bills and in order to protect my home from my ex husband trying to take it the title was put in their name.. in feb. i got a phone call from family. they TOLD me flat out they were moving in WITH me into MY home, which they said since they are paying all the bills on they have the right to stay with me while they save up money. That sent me off the rails and ive been in constant panic since. To date they have been back 3 weeks in my life and all the phyiscal and emotional healing i had gained in the time i lived alone without seeing them has rebounded. ive been in the ER 6 times in the last month, 3 times to the doctor. My blood pressure is so out of control from the stress of them being here that the meds arent even working to control it. I have to live 24/7 in my bedroom hiding, if i come out they start screaming or nagging about something and get me upset again. i feel trapped... i was supposed to be going to stay with a friend which i was looking forward to but thats gotten delayed as they have issues in their own life at the moment. so im stuck here with family, no way out, no money, no job, no privacy, i wasnt even allowed to tend to female needs alone in the bathroom (the door has no lock) grandma muscled it open WHILE i was using the restroom and trying to wash up privately.. she thought the door needed to be open while she screamed at me and told me how awful i am. Never mind im unclothed and humiliated by the fact shes standing in the door degrading me while im trying to clean up..she literally fought me and shoved her body halfway through the door.,when i threatened to close it ON her she called me every four letter word in existance. I am at my wits end, and just want this all to end.. Latest news is family told me i have to be out of my house by the end of march to mid april as they cant afford to pay the bills here.. so i have to move out, my friend isnt ready for me yet, my dad is dead, my mum is off in england sleeping with the man i was going to marry (yes my birth mum stole the man i was seeing and married him in front of me), ive got one other relative who i trust but they're disabled and cant have me stay with them.. Ive got NO friends who can take me in and no way to get a job healthwise, not to mention there is no hope of getting approved for an apartment my credit is beyond help. state wont help me with my medical costs, cant get assistance ive been denied. I see NO reason to continue this existance.. my health is so poor im never going to survive, especially when my family is stressing me to the point of causing my health to decline.. I've got nowhere else to go, no family aside from one disabled relative who cant take me in, no friends who can take me in at the moment, and i just cant survive alone right now.. Going on a 36 foot RV with the grandparents is going to be the death of me. Literally. I CANT even be around them in a house with doors, let alone a 36 foot RV with no doors or privacy. with the abuse verbally and mentally i will be forced to end my life over going with them in that thing.. I cant handle the depression they cause me. all i do at present (in my own home) is hide from them in a locked room coming out once a day to eat. i sleep 17 hours of the day just to avoid reality. and am on sedatives the rest of the time to cope..