Wanting Out Of Life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anam_Cara, Mar 16, 2008.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    I have never posted anything like this on a forum but i am completely lost and scared and have no one else to talk to about it. I'm very poor, no insurance to see a therapist (ive not even had medical assistance or insurance in 10 years) and i have multiple health problems. Ill get to these health problems in a moment.

    I honestly have no options left to me in the moment and can only see suicide as a way of ending the problems that are going on.

    First i am unable to support myself due to health problems, every job ive had has lasts me months at the longest. I have chrons disease, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, possible heart failure (the ER doc said last visit).. Everyone around me (family wise) thinks i am slacking off and dont want to work, when in truth all i want is to live a normal life AWAY from them. I don't want to rely on their "help" as their help always comes attatched with the condition that i let them control every facet of my existance from the times i sleep and wake, to how many showers i take, what i can or cant eat, who i can or cant see, whether i can use my phone or not, whether i can use my pc.. Since i was 14 years old i've had nothing but tension with my grandparents they raised me, and controlled me, sheltered me so much i dont know how to even cope in the world now. Between the ages of 21 and 29 i've attempted suicide several times, and engaged in self injury simply to FEEL something. I've lived with grandparents who nitpick, degrade me, poke at me about my weight, my appearance, gender identity, how i clean my house, how i do my hair.. my spiritual beliefs, you get the picture..they NEVER find anything good about me, grandmother is always screaming at me calling me names, four letter words in the worst moments. I NEVER do anything right in her eyes, shes constantly criticizing me, and if i tell her shes hurting my feelings, or how she makes me feel she blows up and starts screaming, throwing things, telling me im ungreatful and nasty and that ive hurt her feelings when all shes done is spend her money and raise me with "Love".. Uhm well it seems that her love IS love, and shes wonderful with me as long as i do things HER way, if i dont she bad mouths me to other family members and it hurts horribly. It always ends up being about HER, how much i hurt HER by being ungreatful. She can never accept that she hurts me emotionally,psychologically and spiritually.. it's always ME thats the bad guy..i think she hates me because of my gender identity.. my family is strict catholic and they are always ranting about how gay or bi people are an abomination. I'm gay and it wasnt a CHOICE, i surely wouldnt WILLING choose to endure the humiliation and pain that dealing with my orientation has caused. My family is so stressful to live with that i was driven to the Emergency room for anxiety countless times, i drank and took pain pills for years to escape reality of living with them, indulged in self injury and multiple suicide attempts ive failed in.. I LOVE my family even though they have caused me so much damage but living with them is impossible without endangering my safety. EVERYTHING is controlled if i allow them in my life. Unfortunately i have NO choice right now.

    To make a long story short, my father passed away in jan. of 06 leaving me some money with which i bought a house, thinking that the woman i loved with all my heart was going to move in with me, we had made plans to be roomates. See my grandparents were selling their house and moving into a 36 foot RV to travel and live in for a while. I absolutely refused going on their RV because living in a house with doors was bad enough, let alone having that woman in my face 24/7.. i knew i would end up committing suicide once she got me on that RV and i had no place to hide from her insults, degrading and picking at me constantly. Anyway my friend (or should i say love interest) and her mother came out bringing her things for the move and over thanksgiving everything crashed, my grandmother took my girl's mum aside and told her things that upset her about me (things that werent true) and the angry mum took her daughter back to the state they lived, and i was left with a house and no way to survive alone. I lost my job due to the massive stress of the move going wrong had the biggest nervous breakdown ever then ended up in the hospital in march nearly died of pneumonia (i wish i had just died it would have stopped the misery before it got worse) this was such a traumatic time in my life.. the city im in wouldnt let me put my mobile home anywhere but 3 miles outside the city in county land, and i DONT drive or have a car, no one to give me rides. i spent 400.00 a month just to go to and from work in a cab. All i made went to transportation. family had to start paying my bills and in order to protect my home from my ex husband trying to take it the title was put in their name.. in feb. i got a phone call from family. they TOLD me flat out they were moving in WITH me into MY home, which they said since they are paying all the bills on they have the right to stay with me while they save up money. That sent me off the rails and ive been in constant panic since. To date they have been back 3 weeks in my life and all the phyiscal and emotional healing i had gained in the time i lived alone without seeing them has rebounded. ive been in the ER 6 times in the last month, 3 times to the doctor. My blood pressure is so out of control from the stress of them being here that the meds arent even working to control it. I have to live 24/7 in my bedroom hiding, if i come out they start screaming or nagging about something and get me upset again. i feel trapped... i was supposed to be going to stay with a friend which i was looking forward to but thats gotten delayed as they have issues in their own life at the moment. so im stuck here with family, no way out, no money, no job, no privacy, i wasnt even allowed to tend to female needs alone in the bathroom (the door has no lock) grandma muscled it open WHILE i was using the restroom and trying to wash up privately.. she thought the door needed to be open while she screamed at me and told me how awful i am. Never mind im unclothed and humiliated by the fact shes standing in the door degrading me while im trying to clean up..she literally fought me and shoved her body halfway through the door.,when i threatened to close it ON her she called me every four letter word in existance.

    I am at my wits end, and just want this all to end..

    Latest news is family told me i have to be out of my house by the end of march to mid april as they cant afford to pay the bills here.. so i have to move out, my friend isnt ready for me yet, my dad is dead, my mum is off in england sleeping with the man i was going to marry (yes my birth mum stole the man i was seeing and married him in front of me), ive got one other relative who i trust but they're disabled and cant have me stay with them.. Ive got NO friends who can take me in and no way to get a job healthwise, not to mention there is no hope of getting approved for an apartment my credit is beyond help. state wont help me with my medical costs, cant get assistance ive been denied.

    I see NO reason to continue this existance.. my health is so poor im never going to survive, especially when my family is stressing me to the point of causing my health to decline..

    I've got nowhere else to go, no family aside from one disabled relative who cant take me in, no friends who can take me in at the moment, and i just cant survive alone right now..

    Going on a 36 foot RV with the grandparents is going to be the death of me. Literally. I CANT even be around them in a house with doors, let alone a 36 foot RV with no doors or privacy. with the abuse verbally and mentally i will be forced to end my life over going with them in that thing.. I cant handle the depression they cause me. all i do at present (in my own home) is hide from them in a locked room coming out once a day to eat. i sleep 17 hours of the day just to avoid reality. and am on sedatives the rest of the time to cope..
  2. From your post it pretty much sounds like you are in a BAD situation. I can’t imagine how I would cope if I found myself within that situation. It seems though, that you are actually finding ways too cope, and that would indicate that you have recourses and coping strategies that are keeping you going, or more precisely enabling you to keep in the back of your mind the thought that ‘thing’s’ may improve in the long run.

    Obviously it is impossible for me or others here to know exactly your own situation, what avenues you have open to you, whether your health problems enable you to remove yourself from the sources that are causing you so much pain, i.e.…the people who seem to want to control you, but from what you write in your post, the most immediate action you have to take, is to give yourself some breathing space. Get away from ‘them’, do a runner. Don’t look back; just keep going until you feel you can breathe easily. Having done that, you have solved, at the very least one of your major problems.

    Then of course there are the other problems that will appear, (what to do next) but as we exist in a thing called ‘time’ then time is what will solve them, you have to give yourself a chance, it will be easier to meet the challenges that time puts your way, if you remove yourself from the prison you seem to be in.
  3. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    My methods of coping are one of three things.. 1) taking sedatives above and beyond the normal dose so i just pass out and dont care 2) cutting or 3)drinking. i have no one in my family to talk to, very few friends, and NO local friends i can get together with to even have a time out away from family.

    As for doing a runner, yeah i would love to but that isnt possible either. I have NO money, no car, no bus route where i live (in the middle of nowhere) no friends will take me anywhere and those that would are in other states and countries.

    Where would i go if i did a runner? on a street corner? under a bridge? point is there is NOWHERE i can go right now, no safe place. And i'm going insane living with my grandparents. It is a prison in every way. My phone calls are evesdropped on and the times i receive each call are documented and made not of to be thrown in my face. I got a call from another relative 2 nights ago and granny the next day INTERROGATED me up one side and down the other demanding to know why i was on the phone at 1:00am laughing with one of my "friends".. it was HER daughter, my aunt who called.Granny was listening outside my door. I have NO space away from them. none what so ever.. i get verbally attacked for locking my bedroom door. But if i come out i get the same driven to anxiety attacks by her or grandad when i come out. Either i left a salt shaker or glass on the kitchen table, or i didnt wash a spoon that was in the sink that THEY dirtied AFTER i went to bed. any small thing like that starts a massive argument and screaming match that lasts for hours if i try to state my side of things. at the end of it i come out being the bad guy for it and they threaten to throw me out unless i bend to their will and do things as they say. Bear in mind i'm 29 YEARS OLD and have absolutely NO say in ANYTHING in my life. they have taken every bit of control from me and know they have me in a corner because they're supporting me. in other words i have to tolerate the verbal abuse, bullying and control or i am homeless. Its always hung over my head too how much they DO that NO one else can or will love me..they point out every failed relationship that ive been in (my husband was an abuser and alcoholic who left me because of them he said he couldnt handle my family), the other relationship i had family screwed up too by telling my partners family things. It's like they poison things with others to keep me under their thumb. Medically and health wise i can not move out as i cant hold a job and never have been able to do to my medical issues. No job means no money, which means no moving out. and even if i DID manage to get a job i couldnt move out because my ex husband has ruined my credit to the point no one will rent to me, Ive tried every apartment complex and rental places for homes and have been denied for a place. even medically ive been denied for help by the state i live in, they have refused me 13 times. saying i make too much money (I DONT EVEN HAVE A JOB!) they count the fact that my family is supporting me as "earned" income. so basically i have to be ON the street and homeless before they'll grant me state assistance.

    My life is beyond repair and there is only one way out of it now. i'm sorry to have bothered everyone here.. shouldnt have bothered. there isnt hope. i dont feel ANY hope in the back of my mind. things just keep getting worse.. I dont want to live anymore and dont intend to. im done with all this. it NEVER gets better EVER
  4. HomerSimpson

    HomerSimpson Well-Known Member

    I definitely am not one to try to give advice, but you seem like me. We focus on every problem all at one time. I do it every second of my life it seems. Try to focus on only one problem until it is resolved. Now if I could only take my own advice. It is so much easier to give advice than to actually take it yourself.
  5. hiddenaway

    hiddenaway Member

    I feel for you, I can understand what its like to have someone treat you like that. :sad:
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