Wanting the pain to end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kittylover, Jul 2, 2010.

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  1. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I just want my pain to end...

    I'm a man who deeply wishes to be a woman, to the point that I've been taking female hormones for 2 years 1 month. But despite this, I still completely look like a guy, and it hurts really really badly. Every day I go through the pain of living as a man, and seeing women happy in their lives.

    Today has been particularly bad, with me crying several times at work and not getting anything done. Seeing my therapist in the evening didn't help, either. I just don't think it's possible for someone like me to be accepted as a woman. The laws of biology prevent it.

    I've accomplished in my 28.75 years everything that I wanted to accomplish, that is possible to accomplish. There's nothing else in this world that I want to see or do. All that remains is to live as a woman and find a life partner, which is impossible.

    Tonight, I wanted to hold a knife to my throat, but my judgment unfortunately got the better of me.

    I come here as a stranger with no place else to go. Everywhere else, and among my friends, nobody wants to hear about my sadness.
  2. Ben121

    Ben121 Active Member

    I feel for you. I have beaten myself up enough times cos am confused to shit about my sexuality. But I am happy with being a man. Ive never wonted that to change.

    I know 2 ppl that used to be a man and is now a woman. One is still going fro the treatment tho. But she lives now as a woman. She lives close to me actually and she very much keeps her self to her self. She seems nice and I always say hallo to her and she dose back to me.
    I always think that she dose not know that the ppl around here actually like her and don't slag her off or anything like that.
    But she would not know that as she never talks to anyone. I think she had a bad time where she lived be for so tires and not get to involved with the ppl that live around.

    I do also know from a web page about this person that I sew once that she has tried to kill herself be for when she lived as a man.
    She is a very bright person with a good well paid job to what I can make out.
    So she dose have a lot to live for I would say.

    Your path in life is a hard one.
    If you have your health then you have moor then some.
    Ive no advice for you I just sew that nobody had replied to your thread.
    But did wont to tell you about the 2 ppl that I know that are going fro this as well.

    The other one has lived as a woman for many years now.
    She is good looking I would say for an older women XD
    She also has a very nice BF. He takes care of himself and works out. He's no stranger to a gym. Ive meet him and he is one of the nicest ppl you could meet as is she.

    what am saying is I know she is happy in her life now.
    The one that lives close by to me I don't think is yet.
    Maybe she well be when she has all the treatment done and completed.
  3. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    We'll always listen to your sorrow here. I just said a prayer for you.You seem like a really good person. Have you been to support groups that focus on your lifestyle? Why not look for those and get others stories and suggestions that are going through what you are. We will help here too. So you are NOT alone. PLEASE never hurt yourself. You have suffered so and don't let all that fight and strength be wasted. Stay here with us . We want you and love you and care about you. Together we can all make it. YOU are not alone and never willbe if you keep coming here. PLEASE lean on us and let us carry some of your burden!!!!

    Write if you like,

  4. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I got kicked out of the local support group for crying the whole time.

    I hope someone runs me over.
  5. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Hi kittylover, I'm trans myself (ftm) and the pain you're in right now is totally understandable. It's a long long road but keep going as the hormones will change your body eventually. Don't let anyone say you aren't a woman, you are because you are woman in your heart. Trust me there are people who will accept you for who you are, they can be hard to find but they do exist. Hold on and be proud to be the woman you are.
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I got kicked out of the local support group for crying the whole time.

    What kind of support group was that? How horrible. That just makes no sense. OBVIOUSLY you have to find another one. There is something wrong with those people. There are great groups and great people. Sometimes we have to work a little harder to find them. Try 12 step groups they have helped me. We are your support here too. I will support you if you want to write or PM. Don't let them bother you. They failed. You were fine. I believe in you and KNOW there are groups that would be proud to have you. Find them. I'm here for you!!!!

  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you have been trying to become a woman for the 2 years, and making little progress with female hormones, but maybe this is a sign that you're meant to live your life as a man? Just be comfortable with who you are.
  8. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    The pain from being male makes me want to die rather than be a man. To accept that I'll be a man for the rest of my life means I'll kill myself.

    I hope you didn't get that "under moderation" thing for your comment here, because it wasn't offensive.
  9. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I'm quite fat, and need to lose about 150 pounds to really have a shot at succeeding. Even with bariatric surgery, that would take two years to lose. I don't think I can last that long - the pain is really, really strong now.
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi kittylover. If becoming a woman is what you really want, then I guess you'll have to have 'the surgery' eventually. But first you will have to lose a lot of weight. I'd like to lose an inch or two off my waist and to help with that I recently bought a latex corset, which really squeezes the weight in. Also, I'm under moderation because I was banned from the forum, but was recently allowed to return. :hug:
  11. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry the pain is so strong now. I'm sending out a prayer to you. YOU KNOW WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!! WE LOVE ans CARE!!!! You will find the solution and get the life that will make you happy , I KNOW. Just take the small steps you can and plan things out. Think of having the life you want and amke small steps each day.

    The weight will come off. You just have to get rhoug the first phase till you see results then it will be easy. As you begin to lose you'll feel better and become competitive with yoursefl about it. Itcan be fun ti work at losing weight.Look at it as a contest with yourself.

    Write me if you like,

  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi kittylover. I just picked up a latex corset to help me lose some weight from around my waist. It also gives you more feminine curves to your waist. You might want to get one of these. :)
  13. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    How would a corset help with losing weight?

    I wish I had the courage/desperation to kill myself. It'd be so much easier to end the pain that way.
  14. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    What if it can be made better? Lets make a plan. Step by step you will get there. PLEASE lets move th energy away from the negative and push it into the positive and get you some happiness.Lets start making long and short term plans to change this for you!!!! My prayers are with you!!!!
  15. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I'm here alone crying on a Friday night. My friends are mad at me because all I ever talk about is how sad I feel and I never do anything to help myself.

    I'm in constant mental pain now. Anything that reminds me that I'm a guy hurts me really deeply. I think about suicide a lot, even though I've never gotten close to attempting.

    I wish I could check myself into a hospital sometimes, but I know that it will never help after had such experience involuntarily 5 years ago. I also would have a hard time keeping my job if I did that.

    I'm having a hard time surviving between my weekly therapist visits. I have nobody who cares anymore that is willing to listen to my whining. I'm running on empty at this point, and this forum is one of my last few refuges who won't kick me off for crying.

    I'm a downer to everyone, so of course nobody wants to associate with me.

    I'll get back to my cave now. :hiding:
  16. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hope you are ok. Dont forget we care!!!!
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