Hello, this is my first post on the forum. I was looking for a place where I could express this kind of thing. I briefly read over the ToS, so I hope I'm not breaking any rules. I'm a 22 year old male living at college. I want to kill myself. I have the method and means and acceptance of the will to commit to the act. I've been considering it on and off for over a year, am in outpatient treatment for bipolar type 1, and just getting tired and sick of living. I'm sick of seeing everything. I don't want there to be an afterlife, I just want to cease consciousness completely. I don't have a hope to hold onto and see no alternative. I'm hopelessly sick. I won't go into the "why" of any of it. But I can't do it out of guilt. I have a mother and father who would be hurt deeply if I chose to commit. The guilt is enough to stop me completely. But I want to die so badly. At one point I opened up to my mother about this, and she told me it was selfish to consider it, that I haven't experienced life and have too much ahead of me to commit suicide. I don't empathize, but I did gather that she doesn't want me to kill myself. I don't know what to do. I have no will to live. I'm tired of outpatient treatment and don't see any hope for things "improving", whatever that would mean. Before falling asleep I fantasize about having overdosed and finally being able to fall asleep forever. I fantasize about being in violent accidents and shooting and hanging myself. I fantasize about my preferred method, which would be to overdose on antipsychotics I take and lay on nearby active train tracks. Again, I don't know what to do. I want to die and can't. This preoccupation has been killing my studies and it's becoming more and more of an effort to get up in the morning. Is guilt a major factor for anyone else who is or has been suicidal? Does it stop anyone else from committing to suicide?