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Wanting to die but can't out of guilt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solutions, Oct 3, 2009.

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  1. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Hello, this is my first post on the forum. I was looking for a place where I could express this kind of thing. I briefly read over the ToS, so I hope I'm not breaking any rules.

    I'm a 22 year old male living at college. I want to kill myself. I have the method and means and acceptance of the will to commit to the act. I've been considering it on and off for over a year, am in outpatient treatment for bipolar type 1, and just getting tired and sick of living. I'm sick of seeing everything. I don't want there to be an afterlife, I just want to cease consciousness completely. I don't have a hope to hold onto and see no alternative. I'm hopelessly sick.

    I won't go into the "why" of any of it. But I can't do it out of guilt. I have a mother and father who would be hurt deeply if I chose to commit. The guilt is enough to stop me completely. But I want to die so badly. At one point I opened up to my mother about this, and she told me it was selfish to consider it, that I haven't experienced life and have too much ahead of me to commit suicide. I don't empathize, but I did gather that she doesn't want me to kill myself.

    I don't know what to do. I have no will to live. I'm tired of outpatient treatment and don't see any hope for things "improving", whatever that would mean. Before falling asleep I fantasize about having overdosed and finally being able to fall asleep forever. I fantasize about being in violent accidents and shooting and hanging myself. I fantasize about my preferred method, which would be to overdose on antipsychotics I take and lay on nearby active train tracks.

    Again, I don't know what to do. I want to die and can't. This preoccupation has been killing my studies and it's becoming more and more of an effort to get up in the morning.

    Is guilt a major factor for anyone else who is or has been suicidal? Does it stop anyone else from committing to suicide?
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. I was glad to find a place where I can talk about this kind of thing. It helps to read the posts too. I too, don't want to hurt my family and it ways in heavily in my seeking help.
  3. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    To be honest, when I attempted suicide it didn't occur to me that I would be hurting loved ones. I was so down and over life that this is what pre-occupied my thoughts. I was thinking only about myself and my pain. So it is good that you are experiencing feelings of guilt, and yes it would devastate your parents. An agonizing pain they would have to endure for the rest of their lives.

    I have been in forums of "Survivors" people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Parents/Siblings/Friends/Relatives etc... and their pain never seems to dissipate.

    Life is what seems to be an incessant battle, especially for us who have dealt with, or are dealing with, a mental illness. Fortunately there is medication that can help us. Have you spoken with your psychologist about your suicidal thoughts? Maybe you need a change in meds.

    Do you know why you have these thoughts? I mean is there something in your life other than having Bipolar that is causing you harm? Stress?

    Certain aspects of our life obviously determine how we feel, and how we cope with stresses; perhaps you need a change? Something stimulating.

    BTW after my suicide attempt I suffered EXTREME guilt. Your mother is right, you are young and have a lot left of life to experience. You never know what's around the corner.

    I overcame my suicidal thoughts. So it is possible!
  4. Valteron

    Valteron Well-Known Member

    I just read your post and I am surprised how similar we are. The main difference is that you are 22 and I am 61. But when you said "Before falling asleep I fantasize about having overdosed and finally being able to fall asleep forever. I fantasize about being in violent accidents and shooting and hanging myself. I fantasize about my preferred method. . . . . "

    That is exactly what I do every night. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am seeing a psychologist but he has never told me I am bi-polar, and I don't even know what that means.

    But I am completely incapable of feeling and pleasure or fun in life. I am depressed, anxious and fed up. But my cowardice outweighs my suffering, so I do not liberate myself from life as I should.

    I do not believe in an afterlife and I see death as simply no consciousness, kind of like an anaesthetic for an operation. Being dead will be more or less the same as before I was born. Nothing. No awareness that I exist because I will no longer exist. I did not exist for the billions of years before I was born, and I will not exist for the billions of years after I die.
  5. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I don't believe in anything supernatural except for the existence of a supreme being. Other than that no afterlife, angels, ghosts, divine intervention, having a soul or any of the other vestiges of my Catholic upbringing. My girlfriend and my family are Catholic and almost fanatically religious. They believe I've been through enough that if I die by my own hand God wouldn't prevent my entry into heaven but they stress to me how unbearable the rest of their lives would be.

    Rocketpop09 you are so young and there are many medications, treatments and therapy that can restore you to near or even full functioning. Every human being eventually succumbs to one or many diagnoses. The psychiatric are more troublesome and affecting of life quality but these days can be managed so effectively that you may well see this dark period as only a temporary hiccup.

    Every time I slip into a depression I feel exactly as you described- I can't stand consciousness, I feel a black unbearable despair and suicide seems the only way to stop the HELL. Guilt over how my friends and family would suffer stopped me every time I came very close to ending my life. That guilt is the result of us being decent and humane individuals who care about others. Please remember that about yourself, try to lose yourself in small comforts and please keep riding this brutal experience out because it will turn around dramatically. :hug:
  6. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Very little. My schoolwork has been suffering as a result of my lack of ability to concentrate, and showing up for classes is an effort that I can't seem to consistently make. I don't feel stressed as much as sad.

    I don't know how else to say it. Being conscious is painful. I'm overwhelmingly sad and it's becoming more and more of an effort to get up in the morning.

    Therapy isn't much help. I can tell my therapist is trying to work with me, but I can't seem to cooperate with her cognitive strategies. I'm just overwhelmed with a sadness I can't be talked out of. I'm on a combination of meds, part of which is an antidepressant, but it's not helping as much as I think it should.

    I feel like I'm suffocating. The effort it's taking to function is becoming worse. I know I shouldn't just hole myself up in my room or retreat home, so I'm not, but even being outside and being an active part of my clubs (I'm VP of one and a writer of the school newspaper) isn't pulling me out of this.

    I hate this. I wish it would end.
  7. dostrescuatro

    dostrescuatro Member

    Maybe you could go a little further and tell us what exactly it is that bothers you the most. I strongly believe that whatever it is that makes you feel bad, can be somehow turned into something better.

    The fact that you feel guilty is important. It means that you actually have something to live for. Your parents. And maybe you wish it wasn't like this, maybe you'd rather they didn't care about you. But they do. So there it is, you can start by not only staying alive for them, but also try to feel better because of them. Don't pretend you're okay, try to really feel it.

    What about your social life?
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    It seems odd to say I'm living for my parents; rather, I haven't tried to kill myself because it would hurt them. I don't think that's the same thing. You're right about my wishing they didn't care so I could attempt it.

    My social life is fine. I'm part of two clubs, know tons of people at the school to whom I frequently talk, and I get along with pretty much everybody. I have a roommate of two semesters now with whom I get along fine. I'm far from being an outcast. People would notice if I were dead. All the people I know could live without me; my two parents, who are some of the few aware of my mental diagnoses and past history, know me too well not to care, and they would have a much more difficult effort coping. I have a brother, which helps ease the guilt a little because I'm not the only son, but I've read so much about the grieving of a suicide--they're horror stories.
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