For the longest time I've had on and off suicidal thoughts, at least three half assed attempts that no one knows about and at the moment, I feel worse than I can ever remember, I was trying to convince myself I'm just going through a phase but its three months on and I just feel like things are deteriorating. I've lost all drive, I cant get out of bed in the mornings and I cant get to sleep at night, I can't get on with my work, I can't function properly for even menial things, I have no energy for the gym, for the drums, for friends. I find myself holed up in this room more and more, shutting people out and telling anyone who asks I'm ill or tired or having a bad day. I don't feel I can talk about it to anyone, my teachers have been collaring me after class asking whats bothering me which I'm giving one bullshit excuse or another too before I start feeling tears well up and leaving. I feel that I may aswell drop out anyway, I seriously doubt now that I will get anything close to the grades I need to go on to university and won't ever amount to anything of any value. All in all, I've just lost all interest in life, there seems to be no worthwhile present or future, a shitload os stress and nothing worth my continued existence. I'm feeling more and more like I should just make another go of topping myself and being done with this all and at the moment I'm finding it very fucking hard to find a good reason not too.