Wanting to die?

[Issaccs]

For the longest time I've had on and off suicidal thoughts, at least three half assed attempts that no one knows about and at the moment, I feel worse than I can ever remember, I was trying to convince myself I'm just going through a phase but its three months on and I just feel like things are deteriorating.

I've lost all drive, I cant get out of bed in the mornings and I cant get to sleep at night, I can't get on with my work, I can't function properly for even menial things, I have no energy for the gym, for the drums, for friends.
I find myself holed up in this room more and more, shutting people out and telling anyone who asks I'm ill or tired or having a bad day.

I don't feel I can talk about it to anyone, my teachers have been collaring me after class asking whats bothering me which I'm giving one bullshit excuse or another too before I start feeling tears well up and leaving.

I feel that I may aswell drop out anyway, I seriously doubt now that I will get anything close to the grades I need to go on to university and won't ever amount to anything of any value. All in all, I've just lost all interest in life, there seems to be no worthwhile present or future, a shitload os stress and nothing worth my continued existence. I'm feeling more and more like I should just make another go of topping myself and being done with this all and at the moment I'm finding it very fucking hard to find a good reason not too.

 

[Gunner12]

Try taking a break from school.

Holding up those feeling inside of you will only make things worse, when your teachers and friends ask again, tell them what's happening. Individually they might not be able to help much but together, you will be surprised at how much they can lift you up and carry you on.

 

[Issaccs]

But they don't help. When I've been sad in the past all that my friends really did was get pissed off for inconveniencing them.

 

[andyc68]

i agree you need to take a break, i can understand the friends thing but i also feel you need to find someone to talk to.
bottling your feelings up will only make you feel worse.

its true when they say a problem shared is a problem halved


stay safe

 

[Issaccs]

I cant take a break though, my final exams determining university places are next month, after that its game over.

 

[nedflanders]

Try taking a break from school.

Holding up those feeling inside of you will only make things worse, when your teachers and friends ask again, tell them what's happening. Individually they might not be able to help much but together, you will be surprised at how much they can lift you up and carry you on.

Or you might be unpleasantly surprised at how long they can make fun of you for being looney. Telling everyone you know that you're suicidal sounds awfully foolish to me.

 

[AlexDanish]

I cant take a break though, my final exams determining university places are next month, after that its game over.

University isn't the last option. What about college? It's less strict, and you can get into most easily, with the right C or U courses. Or, you could go to Vocational school and take up a trade. And there's plenty of good jobs at entry level with on the job training.

You have friends and teachers that care about you: So don't kill yourself. At least you have friends and people who care enough about you to ask how your day is, to be willing to listen if you give them an opening.

Life isn't that bad. Instead of killing yourself, just do something to pass the time. Even if you drop out. Travel around Europe? Work somewhere for a year or two. Take up an instrument, learn to play it.

Don't give up just yet. You still have many options.

 

[nolove89]

Don't tell your friends in less you know for a Fact they won't tell the whole school if they do your life will be 100 times worse and you will drop out. I'd suggest seeing a therapist you like. some insurance will help pay but if you don't have the money. I guess just talk to us.

you seem to me your just in a really really bad Funk ATM. I think alot of it will go away soon.

 

[Issaccs]

University isn't the last option. What about college? It's less strict, and you can get into most easily, with the right C or U courses. Or, you could go to Vocational school and take up a trade. And there's plenty of good jobs at entry level with on the job training.

You have friends and teachers that care about you: So don't kill yourself. At least you have friends and people who care enough about you to ask how your day is, to be willing to listen if you give them an opening.

Life isn't that bad. Instead of killing yourself, just do something to pass the time. Even if you drop out. Travel around Europe? Work somewhere for a year or two. Take up an instrument, learn to play it.

Don't give up just yet. You still have many options.

Perhaps I should clear this up, I live in and have visited every western european country bordering the med. It also means I'm in college now, we leave school here at 16 and this is my final two months. I also actually do play an instrument and to be honest the stress from it has never helped me with anything.

And no I dont intend to tell my friends for that exact reason. Im fully aware I'll just be seen as another dramatic teenager and scorned.

As for going to college, I think my parents would murder me if I told them I was going to be dependent on them for any longer, at least with uni the options there to become self sufficient which my folks slag me off no end for.

 

[Issaccs]

So one month on, I'm pretty sure my exams went to shit and things really arn't improving.

I'm shutting myself up even more, my Mum and sister are on holiday and my Dads hardly ever home, I'm not answering my phone or emails and in all honesty have had very little human contact with anyone since my final exam. I just can't deal with people right now.

I really don't see any future worth living for at this point.

 

[Kate.]

Hey Ivan. I think you should at least wait this out. Don't decide whether or not you want to kill yourself just yet. Because man, you're 18. I mean, that's a time of your life when things are changing so fast and it seems like the world is so shitty.

I know you know a lot about psychiatric issues and all that, and to me, it sounds like you're depressed and you need to get help. I could list all the symptoms that you've mentioned in this thread that correlate exactly with the classic depression symptoms-- but I'm quite sure you know these things already.

Just-- Please, don't think this'll last forever. It won't. It should get better. Major depression isn't a lifetime sentence. Maybe in the meantime though, you could try your best to retain the social interactions you have? So that you're not alone, so that your thoughts don't go too far. Just having someone there, human contact-- that'll probably help you get better, even though right now it seems impossible or difficult.

I think if you thought about it, you might be able to see a future worth living. I mean, even talking to you for a few short times, you mentioned becoming police officer-- and you also said you were going to avoid doing certain things so they won't go on your record. So maybe just remind yourself that no, you haven't given up hope yet, even if it's not quite conscious hope, even if the hope is far below the surface...

At the least, you should wait until you get your exam results back :dry:

 

[Stranger1]

You need to focus your attention on Taking baby steps. Don't think about the future. You have your hands full. Are you able to take summer classes? if you do , you can pick up some of the credits you have missed. The one good thing about summer classes is you can get more one on one time with your teacher...:chopper:

 

[Issaccs]

You need to focus your attention on Taking baby steps. Don't think about the future. You have your hands full. Are you able to take summer classes? if you do , you can pick up some of the credits you have missed. The one good thing about summer classes is you can get more one on one time with your teacher...:chopper:

I live in England, there are no such classes and around 80% of my grades are determined by end of year exams.

 

[Stranger1]

Man that has to be a bitch. People here have to take SAT's, thats more on the line of seeing how you will handle college. Oh well it was just a thought.
when do you have to take the tests? Do you have someone you can pare up with to study for them?
I'm glad they didn't have them when I was in school. Even if I didn't graduate. I had friends who did. Me and my two cohorts were into getting high and drunk everyday. I wish you good luck...:chopper:

 

[Issaccs]

Man that has to be a bitch. People here have to take SAT's, thats more on the line of seeing how you will handle college. Oh well it was just a thought.
when do you have to take the tests? Do you have someone you can pare up with to study for them?
I'm glad they didn't have them when I was in school. Even if I didn't graduate. I had friends who did. Me and my two cohorts were into getting high and drunk everyday. I wish you good luck...:chopper:

I've already taken them, I will get my results some time in August.

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Ivan,
I'm glad you took the time to take the exams. You definitly need college these days. Employers won't even look at you if you don't have the right papers to back you up.
As far as isolating goes, You need to do something about that now, because the more you put it off the more it takes control of you. I speak from experience. I have been isolating for fourteen years. I have no friends! The only one I really talk to is my therapist because I know she won't repeat anything I say.
I have a whole list of ailments both physical, and emotional. My therapist has me getting out of the house more. I still feel panicky when I am out. You need to take control of your thoughts. Mine are all jumbled up and then I have some clarity for a little while. That is something that bothers me. I will start to say something and I just draw a blank. And it is usually in front of people. I'm sorry I just got up on my soap box and rambled on. I hope you find your self and you move up to better times! Good luck.:chopper:.

 

[Issaccs]

Hey Ivan,
I'm glad you took the time to take the exams. You definitly need college these days. Employers won't even look at you if you don't have the right papers to back you up.
As far as isolating goes, You need to do something about that now, because the more you put it off the more it takes control of you. I speak from experience. I have been isolating for fourteen years. I have no friends! The only one I really talk to is my therapist because I know she won't repeat anything I say.
I have a whole list of ailments both physical, and emotional. My therapist has me getting out of the house more. I still feel panicky when I am out. You need to take control of your thoughts. Mine are all jumbled up and then I have some clarity for a little while. That is something that bothers me. I will start to say something and I just draw a blank. And it is usually in front of people. I'm sorry I just got up on my soap box and rambled on. I hope you find your self and you move up to better times! Good luck.:chopper:.

I'm sorry to hear all that mate but its a bit redundant as I seriously doubt I got the grades to get onto any meaningful uni course.