wanting to end it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lazerous, Oct 17, 2011.

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  1. Lazerous

    Lazerous Member

    Normally I don't like doing this kind of thing because I try and keep everything to myself and think that people won't give a damn about it but after today I just gotta get it off my chest for once. I've been completely hating myself and do a lot of self harm but not like cutting or anything like I punch myself now I know it sounds really weird and stupid but I just get so pissed at myself I try and really damage myself and have been thinking of finally just pulling the trigger and killing myself, the reason is is because I hate who/how I am like the way my brain works I'm a sick son of a bitch and I've also made some horrible choices and some good ones that had bad results like I've lost all my friends so I have none really anymore I've only seen my bestfriend from when I was 10 (i'm 18 now) twice in the last 3 years because I became such a shut in and stopped wanting to go hangout with people so I'm home 24/7 besides when I work or go to the gym so I get really frustrated that I've become such a fucking loser. When I was around 8 my mom was put in a hospital for depression for awhile and soon after that I started having really bad anxiety attacks after she came home but I only had them when I wasn't near my dad and it was a big problem I was put on all sorts of medicine for it but nothing worked so after two years of having bad anxiety attacks I would force myself to go out of my comfort zone to get over it on my own, I used to pride myself on being mentally tough because I used to be able to get myself through any bad situation but now I'm at the point where I'm only angry all the time at myself and everyone else and want it to be over with and rid this world of a terrible person like me. wow I'm going on forever i should have probably stopped half way into this...or just not have said anything at all anywho sorry about the long rant.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Lazerous. Welcome to SF. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. You have come to the right place to find support.

    Sounds like you have tried to make things work as well as possible, given that you had some hard times growing up. We tend to be our own worst critics - I wonder if you are really as hateful as you think. Maybe you can tell us more about yourself some time. At the moment, I see you are working and go to the gym. Those are positive things and it's great that you do them! :)

    Feeling angry a lot is not a fun way to live, I'm sure. Have you considered seeing someone to talk about this? Therapy can help us get to the root cause and find ways to deal with our feelings so they don't interfere in our everyday life. Just an idea...not sure if you are willing to explore this area of possible help.

    But definitely keep posting here. Just venting can also make a big difference. Stay safe. :hug:
     
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    welcome lazerous.. there are many antidepressant and anxiety medications. with the help of a professional you might find a combo that works better for you.. if you are seriously thinking of causing harm to yourself or anyone else i think you should talk to a professional asap about this..

    you take care please.. Jim
     
  4. Lazerous

    Lazerous Member

    I have thought about it I'm just not real comfortable about doing something like that because in my opinion the best way to get over something is by helping yourself even though i contradicted myself by comming for some kind of help here I just needed to get it off my chest a bit.
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Getting things off our chest is a great way to start resolving things. And I imagine it took courage, so be proud of yourself. :)
     
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