Wanting to hit the self-destruct button

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deety, Jan 29, 2016.

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  1. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    I haven't felt desperately suicidal for a while now thanks to meds, but I am thinking more and more about a rational choice to be done with everything.
    I am very stressed at the moment finishing off my study and going through legal and financial stuff to do with my separation. I'm just over everything, I'm holding on for what? Why? I'm never going to be happy again. I hate hearing about what my kids have been up to when they are with my ex and my ex-friend who he had an affair with. I just can't stand that she gets to spend just as much time with them as I do. Sure they need to spend some time with their dad, but her?! I hate it so much. And then I say things about her to my kids I probably shouldn't, but I can't see a way to pretend they are good people etc.
    Anyway with the career I am almost (if I carry on) about to begin, my psychiatrist has told me if I attempt suicide again I'll pretty much be out, career down the drain. So, if I'm going to make a choice I need to be definite I won't change my mind halfway through like last time.
    Sorry I'm rambling, it's late at night where I live and I can't sleep. Not sure what to do.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am really sorry that you feel this way and I totally understand that it is hard to deal with a separation, especially if you feel betrayed.

    I would say that you need to give yourself a chance to feel better - what you are going through would be incredibly difficult for anyone, especially someone who has mental health problems and has been suicidal before. That said, there is an "end" to a lot of these issues for you. The legal and financial stuff will get sorted out - it can't last forever - so that stress will reduce. Beginning a new career will give you something else to focus on and distract you from your 'bad thoughts'.

    I would say that you need to try to let go of your anger toward your ex and your ex-friend. Betrayal is hard to get over, but your anger hurts you and your children far more than it hurts them. Please try not to say things to your children about your ex or his new partner. I know it is hard when you are hurt, but it is damaging for them and you.

    I think you should make a choice for yourself to move forward - toward good things in your life again. The anger and the pain can be let go, it takes work but it can happen. You know that the suicidal urges can go away because they have done before. You got this - you can do this. Believe in yourself.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Deety I am sorry you are in so much pain the best revenge is to move forward is to show your ex you are better off without him ok but also to show your children that you are strong and can make a new life for yourself and for them I like Freya suggestion to really concentrate now on your new profession to put all the energy from the anger into bettering yourself You will move forward it will take time to grieve but in long run you deserve so much better then someone that would cheat on you. I hope you can get some therapy for yourself to help you deal with the betrayal and to help you let go of the anger and to move in a more postive direction now.
    When talking to your children make the topic about you and them ok talk about the family you are together and what plans you are working towards to make their lives better . If you can i know it will be hard never talk poorly abt their father because they love him and it only hurts them when you talk badly abt their dad
    Hope you continue to talk here ok Many have gone through what you are now doing and they will support you Keep your head up it is not you that have failed you are winning by moving forward
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