Wanting to kill myself before the night or week is over.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Getting.Worse, Dec 13, 2009.

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  1. Getting.Worse

    Getting.Worse Member

    Let me start with my diagnosis I have OCD and Depression. I am off all my medications, and just recently started therapy/CBT/whatever. Now, I am not against this, nor do I think it is doing me more *harm*. But it just gets me thinking about how pitiful my life is. For example our last session we were talking about my life, and establishing a base line. And something came up about my life that struck me as wow. I was telling her how I tend to keep to myself and how I the only people I have ever trusted, or related to were my girlfriend and my dog. Her response to this was that it sounded like a lonely life, and she asked me if I would even know what it felt to be lonely as I have lived this way for a long time. I told her that I don't think I would be able to feel that way, as I have trouble feeling any emotions at all, for example empathy, happiness, etc.

    So it got me thinking that I am fucking broken, and I am not human. It is everyone else and me. It just makes a vicious cycle of getting myself lower and lower. And it sucks. I think I will end it soon, because I have spent the day having obsessive thoughts/fantasies about killing myself, and I can't get my mind off it. The only compulsion I have to lower the anxiety is cutting myself, or actually killing myself. And killing myself doesn't sound too bad.

    No-one would miss me, I mean my parents are alive and all that shit. But I really just see living with them as a chore. I just see them as there, dealing with them everyday is an annoyance. So I mainly spend my days in my room. Wake up, go to school, to my room. Wake Up, go to work, to my room. Not much variation, and not many people would miss me. Oh well, I have my method and I have the shit needed to carry it out. Why am I posting here though... Not sure to be honest, I guess a cry for help. Who knows. Oh well.
  2. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Wow, that is 90% me. Except I don't have OCD, a dog or girlfriend and I never had any therapy, just councelling.

    I feel the same... Lonely life right? I'm just waiting to reach the next step in my life, this could all be temporary. You can change, you seem young like me.
  3. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way, and I used to feel it much worse. I thought I was a real weird freak, that I couldn't to relate to anybody and that I didn't fit in, which was true to a degree. Then I did some thinking, and realized I'm not as different as I thought. I started with the basics that I could relate to others with. I'ma human, for one. I'm a guy, and the same ages as most of my friends. Then I moved on to what I like. I like good music, and a bit of everything. When someone said "This is a good song" I could usually agree. THe same with movies. If something was good, I knew it was good like others do. If it were bad, I could tell. In these respects I was completely normal.

    Then I got onto my feelings. I find it hard to express happiness. I knew that not everyone was like that, but I wouldn't be able to tell who were like me because I could fake it and so could others, if they tried. I couldn't know whether some of my friends were the same way as I was, unless I asked, or they told. I have actually had a few conversations with some of my friends who said they had trouble feeling happiness, or empathy. This was 2 or 3 people, in a group of 6 or 7, out of the 600-700 people at my school alone. If there were one or 2 in my group that were similar, then there must have been a lot more of them in the whole. This was another thing that made me less 'different'.

    Then I started to think "Is it such a bad thing that I'm different?" And my answer was no. Being different makes me interesting, mysterious, and it makes my attributes stand out a bit more. I get noticed when I talk, which is good because when I have something important to say I want people to hear it. I realized that the people that stand out, the people that are different, get somewhere faster than the others. They have something more to offer, and are a valuable asset. I realized that I only have to be my natural self, and don't have to put on an act like a lot of people I see. A thinly-veiled act too. I realized that being different gives me an advantage.

    Now, I am glad I am different. Granted, I may not be the same as you, I don't have OCD and I don't see a therapist, although it would do me good. But basically, you are saying that you are different and that it's bad and you want to kill yourself because of it, and I am saying that being different is good, because it makes you stand out a bit better, makes you more interesting, and will help you to go far. Maybe you don't want to stand out, but you can't change it, so don't bother getting all flustered over it. Maybe you don't stand out at all, which is good if you just want to be an unseen part of the group, instead of a seen one. Either way, being different is an advantage, and totally not a reason to kill yourself over.

    With that "no one will miss me" talk, take that shit and throw it out the window, cos its crap. A lot of people will miss you, especially your parents. You are incredibly important to them, and by killing yourself you will be ruining their lives. Don't be so flippant with something like suicide, it is a deadly serious matter and should be given a LOT of thought, both for and against it. I can't force you not to kill yourself, but I can advise you against it. It is the most serious and life-changing thing you can do on this earth, and by life-changing I mean it changes the lives of everybody you know, everybody that has helped you get to where you are today. A great writer I know of said that 'Suicide is like a bunch of your friends saving up money to buy you a car and then you taking the car and running them over with it.' It is a literal kick in the pants to everyone who loves you, and those that like you too.

    Welcome to the forums, and keep on posting. Its a good place with a lot of good people. I bet you will find out that you're not as different as you think, and that you fit in like the rest of us.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2009
  4. Getting.Worse

    Getting.Worse Member

    My time here was short. But tonight is the night I am killing myself. It is my second attempt, hopefully I get it right.
  5. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Come on, you really shouldn't listen to others. How can you listen to people different to you, how can they know? WE can relate to you, you ARE human, you don't have to be like everyone else, in fact there are many people like you, maybe worse. I'm sure you'd crack up at how weird I am and people have before, I've been bullied for it by my friends', but were all unique, what do you want to be, a partying robot? Please stay, give us a chance. I'm 100% sure there are many more who can relate.
  6. LifeIsADaydream

    LifeIsADaydream New Member

    I can completely relate to what you're feeling. Especially the part where you explain your routine. Life is often extremely monotonous for most people, I think.

    For example, my parents have this rule where I have to be out of the house during the day, because they think it will teach me to become more productive. Being between jobs, with no car, no school, no girlfriend, and handful of drunks I sometimes call my friends, its hard to find anything to do thatll keep me busy or much less happy in any shape or form. But, I just keep on somehow convincing myself that this is just a phase Im going through that will pass with time.

    I think we just need to stop worrying about HOW MUCH time that might end up being, and be aware of the simple pleasures and possible surprises we may end up running into in this mysterious thing called life. Also, from where Im looking at, you are already three GIANT steps ahead of me. You have a girl in your life, a job, and you're in school. Way to go!

    Your friend from California,

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