Wanting to kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hiddenjob, Aug 3, 2016.

  1. hiddenjob

    hiddenjob New Member

    I have just about reached the end of what I can take. I have been chronically depressed for the last 10 years. I have severe neck and back pain for the last 6. Doctors cannot tell me why or any way to stop it.

    My wife is leaving me. She came home drunk and hit me after making it clear she was giving up on our marriage. I have lost my wife, my best friend, my family, my social circle, my way of life, my dog, my home, my motivation. Found out she was pregnant with my child after we separated and then she had an abortion. So now I have lost my child as well.

    I cannot handle any more. I cannot sleep. Therapy and drugs do not help. All I do is cry and feel anxious. I want to be dead. I am trying to get the courage to kill myself. I have a shotgun and I want to <mod edit - methods>. I just cannot convince myself to do so. I know I do not want to live. I keep hoping for an accident. I think about <mod edit - methods> and hoping that will kill me. I hope a drunk driver hits me. I hope I get mugged and murdered.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2016
  2. Herman

    Herman Member

    I have been going over the many things I could say but I know that when I feel this way none of these things help. There are people who genuinely care about you. We don't always see that. Just know that I love you and care.
  3. hiddenjob

    hiddenjob New Member

    I know my mother, father, and siblings would care. But outside of that I doubt anybody would. More people would just be shocked, may make a FB post saying they are sad, and move on a day later.
    But I really do not know if I care that they would be upset. I am unhappy 100% of the time every single day. Nothing is helping. I am being more active at the gym, I am involved on campus, I have plenty of work, but it just irritates me. I never stop thinking about any of this. I just linger in my mind and feel anxious, miserable, depressed, and more. The only thing that will stop this is not feeling anything.
  4. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Please go to your nearest hospital if you are unsafe. I'm so sorry you're struggling with so much and everything. There is hope. We are here for you. We do care about you. Please don't give up. Hugs
  5. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Its a sad fact that in todays society, we die and yes, life goes on as if we never actually existed. It does appear no one really cares. But those that are close to us keep us alive in their memories.

    I have attempted suicide twice this year and if one had been successful, the memories I left behind for my partner and son and granddaughter would have been bad ones or sad ones. I want them to have nothing but good memories, so I am slowly but surely becoming very pro life. I am not out of the woods yet. In my life I have experienced all that you have done and then some. But I am still here and trying to find a future. I am positive that you can do the same.

    Just wondering, have you tried any of the alternative therapies like accupuncture?
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It is an awful lot of things all at once and it would make anyone feel suicidal I think. It is impossible to deal with all those things at once - for anyone. You need to go the hospital and get some immediate help to be safe. Dealing with the problems themselves can wait until the initial - and understandable - turmoil of your wife's actions has receded a bit. Nobody can fix everything at the same time, and I can only imagine how it must be to deal with the incessant pain without knowing when, or if, there will be a resolution. I do know that problems need to be taken one at a time - you can make things better for yourself with the right help, but you need to give yourself the time to do that. And you need help to make that happen. You deserve help to make that happen.

    Pleaase seek some medical support to keep you safe in the short term, to give yourself a chance of a better life in the long term.
    Robert Junior likes this.
  7. Robert Junior

    Robert Junior Well-Known Member

    Did you try many meds? Are you on meds now? Therapy is very long term. I have been doing it for four years. I wish I could just get rid of it but I started accepting it, it's who I am.
    Try to channel your courage somewhere else (if you try hard enough you will get it, whether some improvement or killing yourself, so use this massive energy on something else as much as you can...). What did you like to do before all this took place?

    I am going through a divorce and bankruptcy, which pretty much dumps 9 years of my life. Just from this message from you I can tell I almost have no reasons to be depressed compared to what you are going through but I still humbly want to help you any way I can...
    Freya likes this.
  8. hiddenjob

    hiddenjob New Member

    I just got prescribed prozac but I am not feeling confident about it. There is this connotation that bothers me.
    I do not even remember how my life was before I got married. I was a totally different person. You would not recognize me then versus now. I am not friends with the same people, I am not in the same field, I do not have the same beliefs. I can't go back and somehow recall how I was.

    I just cannot cope right now. Distracting myself does not bring my child back to life and it doesn't stop me from replaying my wife hitting me as I begged her to talk to me.
  9. Robert Junior

    Robert Junior Well-Known Member

    Prozac was the first medicine I took, it was 11 years ago. After two years (with other medication) I was free of depression...now, this year it hit me hard again... The point is that the meds take about a month or a little more to make sensible effect. I started taking lexapro about 6 weeks ago. When the suicidal thoughts came in the meds were on the 3 week (which is when they start to act) but the doctor increased it two times. I am on the max dosage for this med for a week now and its making effect. Today I made a joke at home, I laughed: that's freaking unbelievable, this is the first time I felt a real and fast (depression wise) in my life. I posted this elsewhere but in 2005 I had a most destructive feeling of sadness, that one that we think will never ever go away and by 2006 I was better but I new that the feeling would never go away; it happens that by 2008 I tried to recall it and it was not there anymore, even now in this depression I am going through (which was the first time I became suicidal) I did not had that overwhelming feeling of depression that I had back in 2005. So, my point is that it does get better, in time (in a long time) but it does get better (with meds and therapy, of course).
    Hang in there! Wait for it, while seeking treatment. I read once that depression was like a chain. The chain is composed by little links. Ok? So, each thing someone tells you you must see as a chain link. Improve the food you are eating = one little link, take your meds = one little link, therapist, make new friends, talk to people, make exercise, have some sort of spiritual or philosophical guidance, etc, etc, etc....the sum of all that will make a difference in a not short time, but IT WILL. This helped me cope...

    Well, if you were that different I think that's a good thing because it means you have changed and this means you can change again. That's a good thing. We can never go back, I agree with you. I asked because we need to find something for you to hold on to. We need to get some hope into your heart my friend.

    You are right, nothing will bring your child back and nothing will erase that memory of your wife hitting you. Respect your mourning time, it is very important. When we are hurting no argument on earth will make sense, it is a process. I understand where you are (I can not possibly imagine how you are feeling because I think everyone's pain is unique, but I understand a little). Believe me, you are stronger than all that so you must keep pushing. It hurts like hell but you've got to keep pushing.

    There's a one and a half minute video that explain those famous 5 stages of loss. It's really funny, check it out.