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Wanting to live but feel no other options...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shockedcanadian, Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. I am new here, though I read through many stories over the last few days. I am sure like many of you I found this place as I wanted a place to express my experiences and feelings somewhat anonymously without judgment. Alot of you understand how I feel, alot of you are good, selfless people. I never thought it would ever come to this, but it has, and when one is hit with the powerful tidal wave of emotions that many of us have been hit with, you become overwhelmed, hopeless and at least in my case resigned to the seeming inevitable. I read many of the stories on here and I wanted to respond to all of them to tell the person to be strong and fight the feelings, but I would be a hypocrite if I did.

    My story as a whole is very unique. I Haven't worked in a couple of years, I'm going to lose my home, have experienced barriers to employment which are impossible to overcome in my country (Canada) due to the efforts of CSIS and the RCMP (federal police agencies), though I have no criminal record, nor have I been charged with anything and I am a law abiding citizen who loves my country (this situation in itself is a long, sad and disgusting story but I digress). On top of the usual suffering and in my case persecution, I suffer from a hearing disability which causes the occasional (sometimes constant) "spins" and loss of balance. I have a history of unhappiness and abuses which I suffered from since I was a kid; and I was strong enough to overcome them, even graduating from university years ago and landing a great job. I thought at the time that life would turn out to be much more enjoyable...but it hasn't. There is a part of me that wants desperately to live, another which has contemplated suicide for some time; first it was a fleeting thought, than it became an imagined reality, now it has reached the planning stage, and acceptance.

    I heard that those who want to commit suicide just do it, and others who talk about it really want to live, even if they don't know it. I believe I am the latter, but I am also a firm realist, I know the sun will never rise in my life, even as I recently got married and even adopted a new puppy in a selfish attempt to give me something to live for. I am one who would have a vastly more enjoyable life if not for my problems in Canada, I volunteered for agencies to help others, I pursued a career in which I could help others, yet, after great effort, I am unable to help myself.

    So that's my story, sorry for the length. I hope I have a long stay here, but if I don't, I thank you for giving me a little dignity, even if it is anonymously on the web. Many of the words so many of you provide on here can make a difference in the choices others make. Don't stop doing what you do and the words you offer, you represent the good in life in the face of so many people who are selfish and uncaring and you make a difference even if you aren't aware that you do.
  2. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    I read you story. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. I just thought you should know that people are listening...
  3. Thank you, I appreciate it.
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