wanting to tell about my abuse just so people with shut up!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by iamthehate, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. iamthehate

    iamthehate New Member

    this is my first post.
    im in my 30s and a single father.
    i live with my folks.
    my dad is retired long a go due to heart problems.
    my mother works 2 jobs and never shuts up about it.
    i myself am off work with depression/anxiety and have zero desire to ever go back.

    now,i get constant shit from my folks about how i "never used to be like this" etc etc...
    truth is...the root of my problem is i was molested by a filthy bastard when i was younger,and ever since it has i guess distorted my outlook on life... people mean nothing to me, my son and maybe a few friends ofcourse....the rest,i feel nothing for...
    today i heard my folk moaning as usual,my mother was going on that i sit on my arse in my room. however she doesnt understand that i cant fuckin stand to be around people who are gonna ask me dumb questions all the time.

    i know they think "oh theres nothing wrong with him" etc etc....and i should maybe just get a grip.
    at night i cant sleep,i lie awake with my brain on fire thinking about stuff.
    then im tired all day and have no interest in anything.
    today i felt like running down stairs and just screaming that the reason i am such a negative moody bastard is cos i constantly have a picture of myself as a kid sucking a guys cock... and its imprinted on my mind. 24/7
    sorry to be so vulgar...but i feel like screaming this at them then maybe they would just not say a damn word to me or about me again.
    my folks are naive beyond words..."nothin like this happened in our day,all these pedophiles" that is a typical line they might use if watching some tv reports or whatever.
    my son is 11,and ofcourse he will never find out about my childhood.im also very protective of him.he is the only thing that keeps me alive...and if anything happens to him....then its game over. simple as that.

    i am going to see a therapist soon,my doctor knows some details but not all..he just kept signing me off work.
    i feel preasured now though...as i f i should just go too hell with it,try and forget the past and get on with my monotonous dead end job acheive nothing just to keep my parents from talking shit.
    oh...and i owe thousands to the bank due to comfort shoping..i also do comfort clearance too....throwing out stuff i bought (figure that one out!!)
    so the idea of me and my son being able to move out is just not possible....if it is id do it right now.
    sorry for this rant....
    but sometimes i really want to scream at my folks and say "do you have any fuckin idea the shit that plays like a film in my mind all day,every fuckin day!"

    if anyone can help..id appreciate it.


    oh,and by the way....i hope this forum is private... i dont want to google and find my post on the net for all to see.
    internet makes me very paranoid.
    keep my email address away from everyone.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That took a lot of courage and I hope it help relieve a little of the Hell. That is exactly what this forum is for. To vent and get things off your chest. To other members that know your pain and will listen and try to help if they can. Keep posting and please do see your therapist. It is another good outlet. Have you tried any kind of support group? Things are a little easier to deal with when you have others there to share with. They feel overwhelming when you try to do it alone. You also need to calmly sit down with your parents and explain the situation to them too. If you can't bring yourself to tell them the source of your depression atleast tell them about the depression and how you have been seeing a professional about it, how it is real for you. What they choose to do with the information is entirely up to them. But you will have atleast cleared the air about their misguided thoughts about your "laziness". You need to keep finding ways to cope and get well for son. I'm glad you have him in your life. Good luck.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

  4. iamthehate

    iamthehate New Member

    thanks for the advice.
    as for what happened to me when i was a kid.only a select few friends know...i only told em when ive been drunk and it was on my mind.anyone of em who knows says nothing about it.
    my brother knows,and my molester knows he knows too.. a plus point,but not total satisfaction...the pig is still alive.
    ive no idea what to tell this hopeless therapist..ive been on a waiting list for weeks... so much for the help.
    i will never tell my parents about it unless i get into a major arument then i know it will fuck them up totally and in the back of my mind i dont want to do that.
    however....a lot of the time i want to throw it in their face if im honest.
    just so they with shut their mouths.
    i cant stand people who make me feel guilty cos i am not working,or cos i married a fuckin moron who doest care a shit for her son.

    i enjoy watchin this country go down the drain,people are stupid,im glad all the banks are collapsing,i hope we have a civil war,i am happy when i hear of people killing child molesters,or robbing banks, i love hearing about people who defraud thousands.... shit...the world makes me sick.

    i feel nothing for the man in the street ..
    im confused,i talk to myself constantly and have done for years.

    basically i want to be away from everything,ive also started to cut my arms whenever i get pissed off....not deep cuts,just surface cuts..i dunno why i do this cos i dont like to see it on others.

    fuck im confused..... sorry for rambling.
  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, I'll say that your problems may be a little more complex than you think. It's easy to blame something like that for your problems later in life but how do you know that's the root of your problems?

    Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be insensitive. It's just that I'm in a similar situation as yourself. I'm out of work, live with my folks and I never want to go back. Thing is, I have nothing like that to blame it on. It just is. I'm just depressed and can't stand the way the world works. I never could. I was never molested. I was treated very well by everyone as a child. I was given every resource. Every opportunity. And yet, here I am. Something to think about.
  6. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    Firstly, well done for being honest. Whilst I am in no way undervaluing what happened to you, the bottom line is that if you want to be helped then you're going to have to deal with your issues. You can see a therapist as much as you want but the only way you'll ever get at all better is to make a decision to let go of all the anger and to make a fresh start in life. Of course the anger won't disappear just like that, but you will definitely need to diminish the power it has in your life right now. Plenty of people have been through horrendous things and come through - myself included although admittedly my situation was very different.
    I am just wondering whether you've believed the lie that it 'isn't manly' to show emotion and that you should express your grief in terms of anger. Don't believe that bullshit for one minute. Cry as much as you want, whatever anyone else thinks. At the end of the day, you're hurting yourself more than anybody else by holding on to this level of bitterness.
    Yeah life can suck and is unfair to some people, but you have a choice - either to determine to make something positive out of the hell you've been through, which in turn will enable you to help other people, or to stay the same way and blame everything that's happened for how your life is, which in turn will be letting the bastard who molested you win. How about getting hold of a book or an internet site or sites that might be able to help you.
    I'm just a bit curious as to why you're not telling your parents. I wouldn't be surprised if deep down you wish you could but you're afraid of the consequences.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2008
  7. iamthehate

    iamthehate New Member

    i couldnt possibly tell them about it. they wouldnt be able to handle it.
    main problem which is making me suicidal is im trapped.my mother is trying to run my life,even though she cant see it..its the smallest things that make me flair up.my folk total lack of understanding is driving me crazy. the reason i moved back home was cos my ex wife was not interested in her son and we were living overseas,she still lives there.i moved back home with my son,ive been back here several years. yes ofcourse they are a great help....but it can be just TOO MUCH.they think im being ungrateful by wanting to make my sons dinner MYSELF for instance... then its snide under the breath comments about running around after us when i dont want ANYTHING from them at all... im in my 30s i know how to cook for fuck sake! my mum is like a broken record and says the same shit over and over again "oh,doesnt he want this instead?" "have you made him a drink?" etc etc etc.... fuckin hell...it makes me want to just blow my brains out.
    i just wish they would leave us both alone. also my son is now 11, yet ofcourse when it gets dark at 4.30 i get the "he should be in by now!"...they think that hes gonna get fuckin abducted or something.... this is also driving me up the fuckin wall. i need to move out soon as possible but...things i think are not in my favour.

    single father
    signed off work with anxiety

    sorry im just rambling again..
    id stopped taking my medication a couple of weeks ago cos of the vivid nightmares i get from them (anyone else get these?)...ive had nightmares about the worst things you can imagine,and woke up scared as hell.

    but yesterday i started to take my pills again (DOSULAPIN) cos of some snide under the breath comment my mother said to me...

    all i want is to be left alone.... yet its the hardest thing to ask them to do.
    thats the problem.it sounds trivial ...but its not.
    as for the abuse when i was a kid, well...the only think that would make me feel good is hearing about the guy getting butchered.
    ive been tempted to write his name all over the internet and especially on friends reunited cos i want people to know what hes like...
    thats another thing,what happened was 25 plus years ago now,ive had to deal with it in my head for that long...it never goes away. i cant possibly tell the police after such a long time.i was advised to do that by a friend ,but its no use and would solve nothing,it would only make it all public and i dont want that. it does make me wonder how many other kids he fucked up...including his own. anyway fuck him,hopefully he dies horribly one day.

    at the moment all i do is stay in my room most of the day.my son does his own thing,hes always occupied.ofcourse i spend a lot of time with him...we live together 24/7 so its not some novelty like these jerks who dont care a toss about the kids they left (like his mother)

    ok enough of my nonsense.
  8. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    You cannot let this level of anger eat you up for ever. However much it is justified, fact is that we are not made to carry these kind of emotions any more than we were made to live on an unhealthy diet for our entire lives.

    How do you know your parents wouldn't want to help you if they knew what had happened? Or put it this way, if your son had the same experience (God forbid) as you, what would you want to do if he told you?

    And what do you know about this guy now? He does need to face up to the consequences of his actions. Are you in the UK, if so could you report it to Crimewatch or something?

    Seriously, you can't go on like this, you need to do something, I don't care whether it is the accepted norm to stay like this for the rest of your life, you have got to take action of some sort, but until your desire to take action is greater than the reasons why you can't, nothing will happen.
  9. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    hey and welcome to the forum i'm sorry for what happen when you were growing up as a kid :hug: