Wanting to turn into a wreck.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Manic!, Nov 21, 2008.

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  1. Manic!

    Manic! Well-Known Member

    I don't want to make this long, but knowing me with writing, it may just be that.
    Aplogising in advance if this turns out as an essay.


    First off, I'm Jat, hey.
    I'll be 16 in two weeks, but I think I won't be with it to realise.

    Lately, in the past few weeks, i've been wanting to smoke, drink, inject, sniff and whatever more can get me out of reality for a while.

    Last saturday, the urges of everything strengthened 10fold.
    I went to a bullet for my Valentine concert with 13 other people. 7 of them were either drunk or strung out.

    'Callum' was spaced out on Methadone, but not as much as 'Donald', who was so strung out on Meth, he kept falling asleep. So much we had to feed him sugar every ten minutes, and that he was sick more then 4 times.
    'Teddy' was drunk. 'Carlos and Izzy' were high on weed and drunk too, and 'Cloe and Chris' were lined on charly.

    After the gig, I felt left out, so I took the bottle of Vodka off 'Izzy' and downed half of it. My balance starting to mess up within 10 minutes. My head going a little off key, spacing out every few minutes. I also remember and have been told, I drew money out of the wall and gave half or more of it away.
    Apparently; by video evidence, I also smoked some weed with everyone else smoking it, and bought some Meth off 'Donald'.

    I found this was true the next day when I dound the little bag of it inside my shoulder bag.
    For the last week, I have been smoking ciggarettes, and sometimes a joint or two through breaks at school. Alchohol has also been on my mind alot. When I walk into shops, I grab a supermalt, and Invigoration, but my eyes are all the time on the WKD's and bottles of various other percentages.
    Yesterday, I pierced my lip. Yes - I know- not so daring or bad, but it was just so I could be a little more reckless. Once again, one more connected with the group aswell.
    Not to mention the packet of fags, and mini clipper in my bag, along with a shitload of tic-tacs.

    Friends are saying to me- 'You've changed' and I won't accept it infront of them, although I know i've changed. Not because of friends or peer pressure, but because I don't care anymore about where my life is going.
    I mean, razors don't work for me anymore, I get no satisfaction out of them. Burning,, That has never worked. I'm a pyromaniac, I love fire, I love to feel heat against my skin, but.. it doesn't ever hurt me, it amuses me.
    Pills,, well, pills have been locked away.
    That's not the point though. I'm catious/anxious/terrified that before I turn sixteen or on that day, I will never remember it, or be somewhere else where I shouldn't be.
    I don't want that to happen, yet I am waiting for it to happen.
    I don't know what to do... go to my connexions advisor, councillor, psych... teachers?
    gyah, confused atm.
    The only thing I can actually care about is my music.
    The one and only thing that I can do without problems and having to be 'with it' to conduct.

    Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get my terms straight with myself.
  2. Manic!

    Manic! Well-Known Member

    I have one more thing to say, which will probably be flamed; but it's the truth.

    SF is pro-life- yes?
    So when someone posts somthing that could be talking about danger to their health and life, shouldn't SF take notice and try and help that person?
    Yes- they should, as that person came here for help.
    Yet, no-one has tried to help me in the few days this has been posted.
    Pro-life..? yeh, right.
  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Jat, missed your post the other day and I'm sorry no one answered you. From reading your post it seems like you've been getting into some bad stuff. Meth will really fuck you up. No two ways about that. It's not so much the drug itself but the lifestyle that evolves around it. If you could guarentee a pure supply of it that you could afford you may be ok with it but that doesn't happen unless you have more money than most people. So a lifestyle develops of lies and deceit. Don't trust someone who is into it when they say you are their friend because they end up where compared to their addiction nothing and no one else matters. Weed and alcohol are ok in moderation but overdo it and they will fuck your head as well. My advice to you would be maybe the odd drink or smoke and then get into your music. That will give you a bigger high than anything. Use your music to express yourself. If you want to chat pm me anytime. I will always reply as soon as I get chance. Hope you make it to your birthday and hope it's a good one for you. All the best.
  4. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Manic please PM me if you want to talk I'm so sorry you're feeling this way :(

    Drugs didn't help me and I don't believe they help anybody. I'm sorry not a lot of people ahve replied or seen your post, I certainly would want to talk to you about this seeing as I have been though an eerily similar experience...

    Please PM me
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member


    You could try connexions. You sound desperate for help and very insightful and I completely hear you crying for help and worried about how you don't care anymore about anything and generally slipping towards complete self destruction/death.

    If you do have a counsellor and psych and trust them, by all means tell them what's going on, as like you say what you're doing is indicative of something emotional going on and to address what's happening emotionally will help sort out why you feel the need to do escape whatever reality is too much to bear, and what is it you're trying to get away from.

    And music is a good/less harmful way to deal with reality in your own way(and you have a lot more control over that) and I do hear you about having to keep it together to do that.

    I do hope you reach out to whoever is out there who you feel will be nonjudgemental/safe and help you through this period.
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