I don't want to make this long, but knowing me with writing, it may just be that. Aplogising in advance if this turns out as an essay. --- First off, I'm Jat, hey. I'll be 16 in two weeks, but I think I won't be with it to realise. Lately, in the past few weeks, i've been wanting to smoke, drink, inject, sniff and whatever more can get me out of reality for a while. Last saturday, the urges of everything strengthened 10fold. I went to a bullet for my Valentine concert with 13 other people. 7 of them were either drunk or strung out. 'Callum' was spaced out on Methadone, but not as much as 'Donald', who was so strung out on Meth, he kept falling asleep. So much we had to feed him sugar every ten minutes, and that he was sick more then 4 times. 'Teddy' was drunk. 'Carlos and Izzy' were high on weed and drunk too, and 'Cloe and Chris' were lined on charly. After the gig, I felt left out, so I took the bottle of Vodka off 'Izzy' and downed half of it. My balance starting to mess up within 10 minutes. My head going a little off key, spacing out every few minutes. I also remember and have been told, I drew money out of the wall and gave half or more of it away. Apparently; by video evidence, I also smoked some weed with everyone else smoking it, and bought some Meth off 'Donald'. I found this was true the next day when I dound the little bag of it inside my shoulder bag. --- For the last week, I have been smoking ciggarettes, and sometimes a joint or two through breaks at school. Alchohol has also been on my mind alot. When I walk into shops, I grab a supermalt, and Invigoration, but my eyes are all the time on the WKD's and bottles of various other percentages. Yesterday, I pierced my lip. Yes - I know- not so daring or bad, but it was just so I could be a little more reckless. Once again, one more connected with the group aswell. Not to mention the packet of fags, and mini clipper in my bag, along with a shitload of tic-tacs. --- Friends are saying to me- 'You've changed' and I won't accept it infront of them, although I know i've changed. Not because of friends or peer pressure, but because I don't care anymore about where my life is going. I mean, razors don't work for me anymore, I get no satisfaction out of them. Burning,, That has never worked. I'm a pyromaniac, I love fire, I love to feel heat against my skin, but.. it doesn't ever hurt me, it amuses me. Pills,, well, pills have been locked away. --- That's not the point though. I'm catious/anxious/terrified that before I turn sixteen or on that day, I will never remember it, or be somewhere else where I shouldn't be. I don't want that to happen, yet I am waiting for it to happen. I don't know what to do... go to my connexions advisor, councillor, psych... teachers? gyah, confused atm. The only thing I can actually care about is my music. The one and only thing that I can do without problems and having to be 'with it' to conduct. Sorry for the essay, I just needed to get my terms straight with myself.