I was doing well, I really was. I was going to school and doing my work, getting good grades. This happens every year though. Its a miracle I've come so close to graduating. This year I went into my senior year with determination, one to do what I needed to AND then some. I stopped going though. I slept through school and stopped caring. I threw all my determination and ambition out the window. All the hopes of going to college, my new goal is just to graduate at this point. I don't know why I stopped going, its really a combonation of things I think. I feel like I was trying to sabotage myself. So, at this point I am failing my classes, but I'm going tomorrow I think. HAHA, 5 hours from now. I should sleep. No time for sleep. I really thought this year would be different - that I wouldn't just drop out mid-year of school. I thought I'd keep my promise to myself and become this "better person". What a load of crap that was. It was a false revelation, like I'd expected it to turn out to be. I felt like I was drowning, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to give in to it. I just find myself wondering why I try. I wonder why I'm not selfish enough to take my own life. I truly wish that rather than die to never have been born. That's what I wish. I can lie to everyone and think of mass murder plans and hurt people/things around me, yet I can't take my own life. Pathetic. I need a fucking gun. Little to no effort required. I think I want to cut again, to burn again. I'm gonna go try to sleep.