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(WARNING: VERY DISTURBING) Major death wish...sorry for content :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheDevilWearsPrada, Nov 10, 2010.

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  1. TheDevilWearsPrada

    TheDevilWearsPrada New Member

    My core issue is that NOT ONLY am i sexually aroused by the thought of being murdered xxxx.....(i'm a 22 y/o female btw) BUT I ALSO REALLY WANT TO EXPERIENCE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO xxxxx. I can't seem to get away from my past or myself. i have a friend who is aroused and obsessed by the idea of murder, and we "role-play" my death. He has told me many times how hard he fights back the urge to xxxx. These thoughts scare me yet at the same time, comforts me, like a strange form of suicide? I love feeling him pin me to the floor, pressing the xxxx my neck and hearing him whisper graphically in my ear how he wants to watch me xxxx and how, if he wanted to xxxx, there wasn't a thing i could do to stop him. He tells me how much he loves to see the fear in my eyes (as he brings me to the point of near unconsciousness --strangling me as the life about fades from my eyes), and i know that when someone does end it for me, i will be terrified and have a need to live. but I love feeling like my life could end at any minute, and i love my body's natural response to fear (the heavy struggling as i attempt to fight him off, and the stillness that comes over me when he places the xxxx around my neck). The body's natural fight or flight system is just as thrilling to me, feeling myself violently fight as his hands xxx me as i gasp for breath. I can't take this anymore, in our role-plays it all ends the same, xxx nd gets off on watching me die. i can't tell you how badly i wish he would just do it....i hear these voices/thoughts in my head URGING him to "kill" as i struggle beneath him, and i just wish it would all just STOP....i want these thoughts to go away....

    i don't know what's wrong with me and i have been agonizing over whether or not i should post this for a while now. I wish i could escape my mind and the thoughts inside my head, and everytime i think i'm ok, the thoughts come back to haunt me. When i push them away during the day so i can try to be somewhat normal, they come back at night in the form of nightmares. Brutal violent nightmares.

    Those who know me in real life know me as being really happy, upbeat, and always therefor others. But no one knows the stuff i internally battle and how badly i wish i could escape from myself. I have battled strong suicidal tendencies since i was young. I actually remember being in 8th grade and i had lost my grandmother (who was basically my second mom). I felt like everything was crashing down around me and i knew my grandfather kept a xxx up in the cupboard but he used to preach about keeping UNLOADED xxx in the house. My brother and i were going to therapy cause we were going through a great deal of emotional abuse from my father and his wife (we even witnessed them beat the sh*t out of our mom, they threatened to kidnap us, they were heavy alcoholics, and much more) so for me, i figured this would be an escape from all the pain. I waited untill i was alone in the house and made a deal with God, i was going to xxxx count to 3, and xxxx. If i was meant to die, let xxx end it, if i was meant to live then xxx would be empty. I stood on the chair, but the xxto my temple and as i got to 3, i heard my brother and grandfather coming into the house so i put xxx away. I FOUND OUT YEARS LATER, THAT THE xxx.....i also tried other forms of suicide with no sucess.

    Some history, i am 22 years old now (female), and i know when i was 10, my babysitters son sexually abused me (though i have no recollection), my family refused to tell me much of what happened. Then throughout my teens, my mom's (now ex) boyfriend was sexual with me for years. My mind would disassociate from the abuse by imagining being in the hands of a killer....xxxx to escape what was happening to me....
    pretty soon, thoughts of being raped and murdered plagued me, and it all just feels so right....i feel like i am meant to be attacked and my life taken,
    and on one hand, i'm very at peace with the idea of being murdered, but on the other, i'm scared of it and want NOTHING TO DO with that side of me. I can't have a normal sexual relationship without these thoughts interfering and causing me extreme distress,
    and it became so bad, i actually contacted people online xxxx I don't know what's wrong with me, and i had thought about taking my life to get away from the thoughts but I COULD NEVER KILL MYSELF....
    but i planned everything:
    the method i would use, where i would xxx, made a list of songs to be played at my funeral, wrote a note, and made a cd in which i would leave on repeat till someone found me. I was going to park my car in a church parking lot, xxxx so i didn't want to traumatize the person who finds my car) and post a note, warning whomever came across my car NOT to look inside and to contact authorities. I was also going to leave a note for my mom, telling her it wasn't her fault and that i love her.

    BUT I COULD NEVER DO IT.....i just want help, but i don't have the money, and i don't know what to do anymore. I get flashbacks from some of the abuse, and i try to deal with it but it keeps haunting me. I'm just sick of the pain, i'm sick of crying, i'm sick of the darkness, i just want it all to end....it scares me, my thoughts scare me.

    for whatever reason, this song gives me comfort....

    Alesana-"Hymn for the Shameless" (when i pass away, this is going to be my funeral song)(the chorus describes how i feel)...

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2010
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Prada
    I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I am sorry that you want help and dont know how or where to find it without the financial resources. The only thing I can think of, and this is my own way of doing things, is to just keep asking the universe to lead you to the right help for you. That may not sound like a great idea to you. It just appeals personally to me. I really hear that you want help. And I so hope that somehow you can find the help you so deserve !!!

    You said you do not have the money to pay to get help. If you live in the US, have you looked into state subsidised health care insurance for low income people in your state? In some states its offered for a very cheap price. I once got it at no charge. Are you sure that you cannot get mental health care if you are low income, in your state? Maybe you have checked this out completely, and my questions are irrelevent. I hope that you find a way to get help. Because you deserve to live. You deserve to heal. And you deserve to be free of this pain.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm sorry for all the abuse you experienced. it had def. take a toll on you. i get flashbacks too. i struggle with the aftermath of abuse, although my fantasies are not as violent as yours. i think if you can find a good therapist to help you with your trauma you will find some balance in life. you deserve only good things, not to die at your own hand or the hands of another person. do you know this site? http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/ there are many great people there who will support you in healthy ways on this journey. you can post honestly and freely there and get great feedback.
  4. Nox Immortalis

    Nox Immortalis Well-Known Member

    thanks to you, I got up the nerve to tell my bf about this. love ya :)
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    yeah, looking into insurance sounds good. If your income is low enough, you can get medicaid.

    I think that you can get therapy for a discount at certain community health centers.

    this is something that I found on-line

    Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA)
    Morris Center for Healing from Child Abuse
    PO Box 14477
    San Francisco , CA 94114
    Phone: (415) 928-4576
    http://www.ascasupport.org/external link
    Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) supports and assists survivors of child abuse to move on with their lives. In addition, ASCA was created with the intention of guaranteeing that all survivors of childhood abuse, regardless of their financial situation, have access to a program focused on recovery from childhood abuse, including physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse or neglect.

    I don't know if this is any good or not. Just found it on-line, so I can't really say anything about it.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Cassie and welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear about all of the childhood sexual trauma that you experienced when you were younger. It seems to me that your desire to being murdered might be at least partly caused by the abuse that you suffered. You also could be suffering from schizophrenia, which would explain the negative voices you are hearing. If you believe in reincarnation, then it's also possible that you were murdered in a past life and you are reliving that horrible experience subconsciously. You might want to try past life regression hypnosis and see what comes up?

    One thing is for sure though. You have to stop playing the roleplaying murder game that you play with your boyfriend, before he goes too far and you end up unconscious or dead. And then he will be charged with murder.
  7. TheDevilWearsPrada

    TheDevilWearsPrada New Member

    I honestly have no idea what causes these thoughts or fantasies, and if i DID believe in past lives and was murdered, i was def raped and had my throat sl*t (a lot of the details were edited out of my post because it goes against guidelines, but my cause of death IF my friend ever slipped up and lost control WHICH I KNOW HE WOULDN'T, but if he did, he would bl**d me to death, i wouldn't die from strangulation). Ever since i was a child, i had those fantasies and thoughts before i knew what "murder" was, and i have no idea how they got there or where they came from.
    I just feel so calm when he holds the kn*fe to my throat during role playing, and i just feel...at peace, like, if he were to do it, i wouldn't fight it....i would just accept that this is the end. And the worst part is, I'M OK WITH THAT.....i don't know how to explain the "voices" cause they are in my head, it's not like i'm seeing things and i think they are more like "thoughts" but....speaking? I know that makes me sound kind of crazy, but they seriously URGE him to hurt and kill me. I even have dreams about my end and being bl*d to death, so when i'm not thinking about it during the day, i dream about it at night. I want so badly to escape the thoughts, i dunno...

    maybe there's a chemical imbalance....or....it is past life (though i'm not sure i believe in it per se.....when i die, i don't want to be reIncarnated, i don't want to live again....).

    AND as for the role playing game, we are pretty careful. And if i do end up with any c*ts, we are good about taking care of them. The ones on my neck aren't deep and fade pretty fast (couple days, they are more scratches than anything). Hypnosis would be interesting to do....i've really thought about that, cause everything i remember about my childhood was extremely fearful and i don't have many good memories. I also have a lot of blank spots
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2010
  8. Iron Pigeon

    Iron Pigeon Member

    Welcome, if you ever need anyone to talk to about this then your more than welcome to talk to me, about a year ago an old friend of mine was raped and i stopped her from killing herself so i know where your coming from and i would like to help you.
  9. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    It is so disturbing how so many people abuse children, get away with it and those monsters without any values, morals or ethics don't even realize how they destroy lives.

    Your thoughts were a scape while being abused, but really messed up your feelings, you hate it but like it, you don't want to like it but it produces you pleasure, because that scape made you feel better while being in that hell, you need therapy, you need to forgive yourself as it wasn't your fault, you have to give yourself a chance to a better life and stop those thoughts, you are hurting yourself.

    If you are religious also I would recommend you talking to a priest/pastor and enroll in some kind of retreat, that would give you a lot of peace.

    Will be praying for you. :)
  10. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Ermm, not sure what to say to be honest, all i can be certain of is that i hope you find peace and a space to work things through. Hugs Pete
  11. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay I might be stepping out of line here but...
    The sexual role playing games that you're into are actually quite common. Far more so than people realise. There is a big big chance that they can go wrong and people end up in prison because of it. There are far more people who take all the safety steps necessary to ensure that doesn't happen though.
    I think you need to seperate your sexual fantasies from the abuse you've suffered over the years.
    You do need to deal with the abuse from your childhood though. You need to come to peace with the fact that that was then and this is now. You're no longer an abused child, you're now a grown woman. You actually seem to be handling that bit quite well but it's causing you guilt over your fantasies.
    You don't have to feel guilty about your fantasies as long as it is role play and not actually abuse. Some people have very happy childhoods, no mental health problems and yet still have those sorts of fantasies. It's all about keeping yourself safe at the end of the day and as long as you and your partner have control over the safety side of things, there's not really a problem (In my opinion of course and I could well be wrong, it's up to you to decide on that one)
  12. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    First of all im not sure you want to hear this but I really enjoyed your post. I can completely understand how you feel. My background is prity similar although I tend to not talk too much about it as I am aware that lots of other people have the same sort of things or much worse but its mentally what it did to me and what I now desire and feel I need to get a kick from certain things.
    I too love the feeling of being strangled during the act itself, the idea of simple vanilla just doesnt work for me most of the time. Not only that but I play dangrous too, BDSM (bondage dominance and submission)for me was a way of putting my desires into a box which makes it more acceptable as i also utilize the rape, having a guy take what he wants.
    In my past I was never able to fight back as I was so young but I can recall most of it,, now I want the rape but I want the fight, only a man who is strong enough can actually manage it as i'm very capable now of looking after myself.
    fighting back to the best of my ability, being tied, strangled, hit, humiliated, controlled breathing where they control every breath you take, that sort of thing.
    its like i've taken the worst aspects and turned them into something I can use for my own pleasure.'s.
    After a miscarrage when I was very young due to abuse I even utilized that, and the thoughts of labour pain also bear very heavily on my desires and fucked up fantasies.
    it feels like there's something wrong with you deep down inside but it doesn't make the need or desire for it to go away.
    Seeing your post, just reminded me I am not alone. thank you
  13. TheDevilWearsPrada

    TheDevilWearsPrada New Member

    Thanks for the replies and support. Reading some of these posts is making me feel less abnormal. I guess i just thought i was a monster and extremely psychologically messed up.

    I can't tear myself away from the role playing games because anything gentle makes me very nervous and uncomfortable. One one hand, i don't want to do them but on the other, a bigger part of me really enjoys it. I love knowing that his thoughts are dangerous and THE ONLY REASON I'M BREATHING IS BECAUSE HE HAS CHOSEN TO LET ME LIVE.

    I just love the power in knowing that he could slip up and c*t my throat at any given moment during our role play. When we are actually having sex, he REFUSES to hold the blade to my throat because he doesn't feel he could stop himself from killing me during that particular moment, so safety comes into play there (we talked about our fantasies and thoughts, and his method of murder would be slitting my throat.....so we are careful, though i would love to feel him do it......it gives me chills feeling the kn*fe against my neck).

    It takes all his effort to release his grip when strangling me too, and he actually admitted a few days ago that he almost couldn't let go. It's funny, there is a risk that things could get out of control and i could die, YET I FEEL SO SAFE IN HIS ARMS......

    He's a real sweetheart, it's all role play, and def not abuse. He talks me up ALLL THE TIME (i've never had so many compliments thrown in my direction in my life), and he is always there for me and extremely caring. He JUST bought me a complete bed set, my friends all love him (they DO NOT know about the fantasies we share....), so....he just amazes me. And it's so thrilling knowing that my life is in his hands, he could choose to end my life.....or let me live.

    I'm just in love with that feeling i suppose, and the fighting and gasping when being strangled is amazing. It's the closest i can get to death at the moment.
  14. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Well the French call an orgasm 'le petit mort' which means the little death so I suppose that's a good description of what you're feeling.
    As long as you've got your safety sorted (both you and him) then there really isn't a problem here.
    Try reading 'The Shadowlands Books' by Cherise Sinclair. BDSM novels which go deep into the reasoning behind why people enjoy BDSM.
    You can get them as E-Books on Amazon.
  15. lapazyelamor

    lapazyelamor Well-Known Member

  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I have to admit, the thought of rough sex is kind of a turn-on for me too, but just be really careful. Maybe he should be using a dull knife like a butter knife instead of a sharp knife? Just in case if his hand slips. I really don't want to see you end up in the emergency room because he accidentally cut your throat. Plus, it would be really hard explaining that it was just an accident.
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