Well I am the last person to have all the answers
but I can tell you what worked for me.
Back in 1999, one cold spring night, I had all I need ready, all the usual stuff, but in that instant, just before....... I suddenly stopped and ask myself "why am i doing this" and to be frank, I really had no fucking idea !!!
From there the Why's didn't stop coming, I was kind of forced to trace my steps back through my life, to the point were it had all began, like getting lost on a map and trying to find where you made a wrong turn.
If you truely are the lowest of the low, that most hatefull person, then what are you doing on here, trying to help others, don't confuse worthyness, with love, I'm not loved, so I can't be worthy, thats simply not true.
I may be single, alone, a glass half empty for the rest of my days, but I know, I'm a good person, a kind person, a loving person, just because no one else has found that out, is my fault, not theirs, it not a judgement by "everyone else" about me, its a mistake I made by not letting "them" see that side of me, I am no less worthy than anyone else because of it.
For the longest time, I kept and still do, everyone at arms length, for fear of them finding out, that everything I am, every thing I have been, is based on lie, I am not the person they think I am and if they find out, my world would come crashing down and my crappy life would get even worse.
But now, call it a mid life crisis if you like, carrying on like that is hurting me, more than it was protecting me, from "everyone else", I was lucky I guess, Lucky to have asked "why" in 1999, lucky to have kept on asking myself those difficult questions, lucky to have come up with some answers for myself.
This might sound stupid and I'm not sure I can explain it in words but the hardest thing for me to work out, was, that I was the most important thing in my life and that without me, "my Life", wouldn't actualy carry on.
Take care
Have fun
Be safe
Paul