Was I abused, or am I just crazy?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by whoaaxxsamm, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. whoaaxxsamm

    whoaaxxsamm Well-Known Member

    I blame myself everyday. I knew what was happening.
    He was my boyfriend. He took my virginity a month after my 14th birthday.
    I met him through my best friend online.
    We started dating before we met. I went to his house for the first time.
    Which was also the first day I met him, not smart.
    I thought he would be okay, because he knew my best friend.
    In reality, my best friend knows the wrong people.
    He promised me before hand that he wouldn't pull anything.
    He knew how unexperienced I was at the time.
    I made out for the first time only a month before that.
    Sure enough, I get to his house and after 30mins of being there,
    He starts to kiss me, touch me. I was uncomfortable, but scared because I have never been in that position before in my life. He knew that.
    He pushed me on his bed, and climbed on top of me.
    He asked me if I wanted to or not. I said I don't know, I'm scared.
    He didn't say anything, just continued.
    I broke up with him the next day.

    Two and half years later, I find myself depressed more than ever; alone.
    He started talking to me again, made me feel like a princess.
    I went back with him. I'm so stupid.
    For the first month, I felt like a princess.
    Once he dug his claws in me, he didn't let go.
    I was no longer a princess. He manipulated me, I didn't know what to do.
    He knew I still loved my first boyfriend, because I always will, but we are just friends now, and I sort of accept that.
    He didn't. He would yell at me and call me a slut when I talked to him.
    Meanwhile, I would find pictures of naked girls on his computer.
    I felt worthless. I felt ugly. I felt like a joke.
    I am going to be a little more personal, so you don't have to continue reading if you feel you don't want to hear anymore.
    I doubt anyone is even reading this.
    Something in my vagina is thinning. I am not exactly sure what yet, but the doctor says that it might cause painful sex, which to be truthful, it does if I have sex for too long, or too many times in a row.
    I told him that it hurt me when we had sex sometimes, but he was turned on when I would be in pain, he would never stop.
    I put my foot down several times, and told him that I didn't want to have sex. He would immediately began to put me down, and cry.
    He would manipulate me. Tell me things like 'If you don't have sex with me, you don't love me'. Things along those lines, to try to force me into having sex with him. I told him no, he would yell, and call me names until I would 'give in'. I would be crying the whole time.
    This went on for 6 months.
    I broke up with him, he didn't take it very well.
    He had naked pictures of me, and threatened to send them to my family.
    I hacked his account and deleted them before he could.
    He told me to kill myself, and how to do it. He told me that no one would care. I shared all my weaknesses with him. He used them all against me.
    I was broken. He threatened to get me beat up, to make my life hell.
    He did, for the next two months. He finally left me alone for a while.
    Once in a while I randomly get texts from his friends, trying to convince me that it wasn't him. I knew it was, by the way they talked.

    Am I crazy? Was this sexual abuse, or even rape? Was it all just my fault. I have trouble dating people with his characteristics now. He killed me.
    His face haunts me everyday. I'm 18 years old now, and will never forget.
    Please tell me if I'm at fault or not. If I'm the crazy one and not him. Was what he did wrong? Or am I just over exaggerating?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2010
  2. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Yeah your not crazy hunni this is at the very least abuse. Have you ever talked to someone about this? You should never beat yourself up over what someone has done to you. Its their fault not yours. If you said no then normally people take that as a no. If he loved you then he would have understood and known that. In no way shape or form was it your fault. At the end of the day some people are just out to get what they can from people regardless of the consequences, unfortunately youll meet people like that everywhere. What you need to do though is learn from this and make sure it doesn't happen again.

    But please never think the actions of someone else is in someway your fault.
     
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    If you have to ask, it's probably abuse and definitely something very, very wrong.
     
  4. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    Yes, you were abused. Hell, I call it rape

    No, it is in no way your fault. At all You may have been a tad naive, but since when is that a crime and and it sure as hell doesn't make this your fault. You are guilty of wanting to believe the best in people, nothing more

    I hope one day you can come to some peace over this. It will never go away entirely. I know you are very young, and the last thing I want is to discourage you.... but as a sexual abuse survivor who has known many other abuse survivors, I want you to have realistic goals. A "complete cure" is not out of the question, but it's also not very likely. That is not grounds for giving up though, which it doesn't sound like you are inclined to do anyway. I just want to stress that you may have to accept this may always be a part of you, but one day you can reach a place where it's not so big. It's not in front of you 24/7, haunting every step you take. You may have moments, triggers that take you back and threaten to overthrow the progress you make. That is when you have to say "fuck you, you will not rule me". Get pissed at it, do whatever, just don't let it win
     
  5. Crying All Time

    Crying All Time Well-Known Member

    Hunny it was not your fault, he abused you. I suggest you to go to the therapy, try to talk with psychologist, it is hard I know but it is the only way to feel better
     
  6. Wow, what a bastard!
    You need to stay away from him he's a dangerous guy.
    Just think to yourself how would he feel if someone did this to his sister or mother?
    The problem is with him you are just the victim here.
     
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