Was i asking for it?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by carebear32, Jul 26, 2012.

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  1. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    *********MAY BE TRIGGERING***********

    I guess my story starts when I was 10 years old. Up until I was 15 I was sexually molested by my grandmother's 3rd and now late husband. It makes it a little difficult to live with her, as I'm not sure if she knows or how much she knows. It came out at school and the counselor told my parents, who grounded me for 2 months and accused me of lying. I won't bore you with the details.

    I was in college when one Sunday afternoon I was followed up to the mall, grabbed and taken to a house and raped. A year later I was raped again at the sane mall, by a guy I thought of as a friend.

    There are other things that seemed to happen to me. It's like I asked for it or something. Anyway, the later I kept from my parents, but have told my therapist, though she never asks me anything and seems to act like it's no big deal or I was just making it all up. Am I really that stupid?
  2. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    ah, very important to say these things out loud. Can you bring it up to your therapist? She might feel you don't want to talk about it?
  3. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    I hope you're right. It's hard to know what my therapist is thinking. I have told her everything that has happened and I can't help thinking that she thinks "surely nobody is that stupid". All I know is that I totally hate myself for putting myself in those situations in the first place, but it explains my claustrphobia and my fear of people.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Carebear
    I am so sorry all of this has happened to you. None of it was your fault. And no, you did not ask for it. I know and love someone who has had the same kind of things in her past. She did not ask for any of it for sure. Although, just like you, she used to assume she did something to bring this all on her. But she didnt. Not even a teeny bit. And thats the same for you. She no longer gets hurt. And she is in a chapter of her life that is about healing. Healing is what you deserve. Safe love is what you deserve. Do you like your therapist? Are you fond of her? do you have a good relationship with her? I know lots of survivors. And the one thing they have in common is this: Nothing was their fault. I promise you I am right about this. Nothing was your fault. :flowers: and safe :hug: for you ps, I just read your second post that must have crossed with my post. You are not stupid. The abuse was never your fault. I understand what you say when you say that you hate yourself. But I also know that if you could see the real truth, that none of it was your fault, you would have no reason for the self hatred. Because you were an innocent kid who was hurt by many. Never ever your fault. Would it be possible for you to find a support group for survivors of abuse? I began my healing many years ago in a support group called ACOA. The power of many people together can be amazing, if its the right situation. I still would like to know if you like your therapist. If you feel bonded with her. more :hug: s for you, Carebear
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2012
  5. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    Hi Flowers and thank you for the hugs :hug:

    To answer your question, yes I do like my therapist, I've been with her for about 2 years. After my experiences I've developed a fear of people. I've learned not to be so quick to trust people, so to a degree I do have a few trust issues with my therapist. No I don't feel bonded with her yet, and sometimes my fear gets so great that I end up avoiding me session.

    I'd need to look around and see if we have such support groups here, I think I would benefit from something like that.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Carebear, I dont know what is available in Johannesburg, but maybe there is something like a womens rape support phone line where you can call to find out about support groups. I know Johannesburg is a huge city. So I am hoping there will be several options from which you can choose. Some may even be peer to peer groups. With no therapist present. That would make it very affordable if money is an issue. I have met more survivors of sexual abuse than I could count. And each of them felt like the abuse was their fault. And for what its worth, I have met many, many people who were abused by more than one person in their life. So you are not alone in that. And yes, most have self hatred as a result. It isnt easy. But I promise it is possible to reclaim your power, and your life. :hug: for you, carebear.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Carebear, NONE of it was your fault or you asking for it. I saw what has been suggested above and agree. I googled for some info for you. Here's a number for the Rape Crisis Centre in Johannesburg:

    Rape Crisis Centre, Johannesburg
    011 642 4345

    I hope you can find a support group so that you can get through all the feelings and memories and feel better soon. :hug:
  8. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Carebear, you asked for none of this and in no way is your fault.. i try to avoid this abuse forum.. painful thoughts and memories still haunt me.. what your therapist needs to help you with is actually getting to a poinht where you feel safe now and you can regain your trust again in the rest of humanity.. that is their job and if they not going to help you with this then i say get another therapist.. a support group can help you with thhis

    being abused by someone who is supposed to protect and love you is something that is not supposed to happen.. then to have it shoved under the rug hurts terribly all over again.. you are now talking tabout this adn trying to get some real help..it is needed.. as someone who is 65 now know of what i speak.. be done hiding and being still scared adn hurt..keep rising and fighting for freedom of the past..

    hon most ppl in this world are good people.. attempt to join them .. this is possilbe..during this if you want to keep talking here we will listen to you.. take care, Jim

    PS going to go hug my son john and tell him i love him..
  9. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    You didn't ask for any of this.. i also ask the same questions.. if its my fault and why it keeps happening.. why the pattern continues.. i think for me its because i trust the wrong ppl.. but it never was any your fault. Things were forced apon you and you don't control the actions of others.especially when you were 10. :hug: im sorry.. know we r here to support you..
  10. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    You did NOT ask for this. Rape(a criminal act) is in the sick mind of the abuser who picks his target/victim for violence, control and power, not sex. One of my therapists said people that have been abused carry a V(victim) on their forehead. Obama care dumped this therapist for me but I believe there is something about a victimized person that comes out showing you are vulnerable, perhaps a basic instinct. The abuser picks up on it perhaps subconsciously. By becoming empowered and showing confidence perhaps that's the way of getting out of the victim stance. Then if you are empowered and have self confidence people want to tear you down to their level so I don't know what the answer is. These guys are no longer locked up-they walk amongst us. Just always beware of your surroundings, don't put yourself in risky situations, and say NO. Your therapist may be uncomfortable talking about sex/rape for their own reasons. You need a really safe place to talk and heal about it. Rape is traumatizing enough to last a lifetime. Perhaps taking a self defense course would help.
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

  12. Giovanni91

    Giovanni91 Member

    Definitely not....did you verbally ask each of these "friends " to rape you? No!
    Plus, I hear South Africa has very high rape rates. Stay Strong and don't be afraid to ask for help.
  13. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Carebear, what you said in this thread, about how you doubt and question what your therapist "really" thinks about you, SHOULD be something that you raise with them. I did with a lady, and she said that it's good that I let her know that I am worried about how she feels, or I am afraid that she will lie to me, or tell me what I want to hear. Your therapist should be able to CHALLENGE what you are telling them, sometimes they may just take it all in, let you speak... let you get it out. But at the same time, they need to be able to help you challenge what you are thinking, and why you are thinking that, and get to the core sometimes.

    BUT, your therapist can only go as far as you let them in... they probably have no idea that you are afraid of what they really think. They probably have no idea that you think they are judging you and thinking less of you as a person based on what you say.

    I want you to consider that some therapists DO get into their job, because they genuinely feel that others are worth saving, or that they genuinely would like to be able to give someone the tools to get through harsh times, or cope in their life etc...

    Life is NOT this magical thing that everyone is born with a guidebook and we all know what to do. NO. There is not one person on this planet who is born automatically knowing what to do. Sometimes, we do need to seek the guidance of others, and get their knowledge, get their opinions, get their help...

    What is "supposed" to happen, is that we gain that from our families. Obviously in your situation your family mistrusted you and outcast you, when you were faced with very intimate and personal dilemmas as you described. They didn't protect you, but rather protected the comfort of pretending you lied instead. It was easier for them to accept.

    That doesn't make you stupid, and I am pretty certain you probably have a lot of anger and possibly feel their actions in that area were not rational as to what a parent should have done in such a situation.

    As for the other situations, involving being out in public and being taken advantage of, it may be that due to your past situation, you have become an easier target. This is probably very hard to hear, but let me explain it a bit further. You see, someone who has been abused at a younger age, and betrayed like you have said by the rest of the family too... with no support... may often end up in similar situations in the future.

    BUT, not because you are stupid or because you have a huge target sign on you, but rather because OTHER abusive people can see that timidness, they can recognize those who would be easier to control (I.E. abuse). They recognize this in the way you carry yourself, and talk, and handle your relationships etc...

    The "friend" is a good example of that. You knew this person, right? But how could they TOO betray you like that? Well, unfortunately, this friend got to know you, and noticed that you were someone they could take advantage of. Your standards with your self esteem might be down. You may outwardly seek the approval of others, without realizing it. You may self doubt aloud...without realizing it. These are all things that abusive people pick up on, and that is not specifically your fault, but THEIR fault.

    Abusers, are sick in that sense, that they literally pay attention to how they can take advantage of someone else, and watch to see how many lies they can get past you, watch to see how many lies you will believe. Watch to see how far you will let them go, one little moment at a time, one little nudge further each time.

    You of course, never realize it, because you are probably wanting to believe there's good in people still. You probably never had ANY of those ideas in your mind. That's why it just sort of shocked you when it happened, you probably were busy imaging other more innocent realities... you were distracted with the clean side of life, and never did really sit down and think that's what people are around me for either.

    I was in a similar situation, though I was not raped... I was just so busy sitting there thinking that someone I knew was this great person, and wanted really nice things for us etc.... that I never noticed how they blind-sided me with sexual abuse and other things. I thought it was something else, I thought they wanted something else... I was "naive" as the word goes.

    BUT the person who was there, KNEW this, and watched for it, and specifically singled me out, because they knew they could isolate me from my family and friends. They knew I would be easier to isolate, because of that fact.

    I imagine that whoever abused you, knew they had a way to isolate you. That doesn't mean it's you... or your fault, because i can guarantee they probably bothered and abused others too... it just means that they literally plan out attacks and think about all kinds of things that you'd never imagine. Nobody asks for that kind of thing, honestly.

    Just like bombing victims, in cities where it is a terrorist action. Nobody imagines that someone was sitting there writing down 5 books worth of journals on how to build a bomb and use it, and where they were going to place it, and on what day etc... Nobody really sits there deserving such an attack, and nobody is really going to know until after that the perpetrator actually spent months and months working out a way to do that to others.

    That is not a fault in you, just in the abuser themselves, and "abusers" are plenty. I can understand that you blame yourself, but blaming yourself for the situation itself, means that you will cut out many aspects of your life very unfairly. I hope that you can talk more about this with your therapist... including how you feel about their opinion... if you don't feel like your therapist can be as honest as you need, then it's fair at least to let them know that you maybe need more honesty..., or need more trust between the two of you still.

    I am happy to hear that you have a therapist, and that is the safest place, for anyone really, where you can open up and really learn to trust again, and learn to tackle your fears. Since you are afraid of people and circumstances, and vulnerability in public and even private places etc... the therapist is someone who you can with time let your guard down with, and learn to open up again, and trust more....and more importantly trust other people more.

    All these bad things happened to you, no matter who the fault lies on, if you believe it's your own, or if you will believe it's the abusers fault etc... none of it still justifies a painful life. You don't deserve to be living in fear and pain, and hurt for a lifetime, because of those events. That much alone is true, even if you feel like you somehow caused those events or it's your fault.... even if that were true in any way, would it justify a lifetime of pain?

    Do you deserve to be punished because of other people's choices...? What about being punished because of events in your past that you couldn't really control?

    That punishment is unfair, you are suffering already, but that suffering is for something that you so clearly would take back if you really did have control over it. Since you did not have control, that in itself is a very strong indication that it was not your fault, nor did you ask for it to be brought upon yourself.

    But by harbouring the guilt, you are punishing yourself, and telling yourself that you deserve things that just are not true. I hope you can really pull through and work on that with yourself and your therapist. It's definitely worth exploring.

    It also might be good to explore why you feel at fault more in depth, where the guilt really comes from. What ideas pop into your head that make you feel like you caused it, or that you brought it on?

    Is it maybe stemming from the earlier childhood abuse, that because your family didn't take your side, you automatically assume the guilt now, for similar situations?

    Does the abuse maybe make you question whether or not you wanted it? Maybe the conditioning early on, makes you feel like you are supposed to want it? I.E. being told by a family member that this is what you should be doing, and wanting etc... from an early age, perhaps that idea still resides inside, and resonates in your future activities? Sometimes abuse victims can feel as though they wanted it, because the sexuality aspect of it, and the conditioning make it hard to distinguish if its really something they are supposed to do and want and comply with.... versus something someone else is really pressuring them into and telling them to do.

    Do you feel like that is all you are good for, and then maybe question why you are even here.. is that all people want from you? Is that all you are worth?

    I mean all of these are very real questions, and very real concerns that may be deep inside you. Feeling like you caused it, definitely is much more deep rooted, and is coming from other places. I hope you can get those answers.

    Maybe ask yourself, what would it mean if it were your fault? What would it mean to you... if that were 100% true? Answer that question, of why it's bad to you, to be the one who is to blame, or the one who is at fault. Address those fears, and see what you are really afraid of here, or what you are really trying to avoid...

    This doesn't mean that you admit you did anything wrong, but rather means that you explore what it would mean if the way you feel about the events actually was true? Would it mean that you betrayed yourself?

    Would it mean that you are bad?

    Would it mean that complying makes you at fault? Etc...?

    This gets to be very heavy.... but addressing how you feel about a certain outcome, if you were to imagine it to be true, can show you what you are truly afraid of, and what your core values really are. It can show you why you linger onto things as well, or why you maybe have a hard time dealing with certain aspects of your life.

    These are just some thoughts on what you have said... and your posts in this thread, and also on the "victim" mentality versus "abuser" mentality. It could be that you feel like you are the true abuser, "allowing that" to happen to yourself. Feeling like you could have done more, and been different...and saved yourself...

    Feeling like you failed yourself, because it happened.

    I really hope that you can renew your sense of self worth, and your trust in yourself. I really hope that you can come to a place where you know you are able to keep yourself safe, and that you are able to uphold yourself.... and that no one is going to do anything to you anymore. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2012
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    This is very true actually and it has been scientifically documented. I once watched a documentary in which they interviewed Ted Bundy, who was one of USA's most famous serial killers of women. I believe that he was truly a psychopath with no human empathy or emotions. He said that he could tell a perfect victim just by the way she walked. I didn't believe it at first, but the scientists had a group of women walk across the room and they judged the way the women walked. One of the women had been sexually assaulted and she walked in a timid way, whereas the other women walked with confidence. It's disturbing to think that rapists can sense these cues and exploit them.

    You weren't asking for any of this Carebear. The monsters that hurt you were looking for victims and you happened to be in wrong place at the wrong time. Don't give up. God still loves you. :hug:
  15. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    At times it is seen that people who have been a victim of sexual abuse once in their lifetime, are abused again. This is probably because these jerks can sense vulnerability and they look for easy targets. That guy could probably sense weakness.
    To answer your question, no it wasn't your fault and you didnt ask for it. You can find way better therapists than the one you have who have because he/she is stupid enough to not believe you or to think its not a big deal. Don't waste your energy telling people who don't believe you. And no, you're not stupid. You're just surrounded by jerks.
    I have also gone thru sexual abuse and don't really know how to deal with it. I honestly don't even even know if i care about it. But anyway, this post is about you. So don't blame yourself for stuff you had no control over.
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