Forgive me for my ramblings, but this is something I have been thinking about for a while. Did I develop mental illness or was I born with it? I was always a fairly happy child. I had to learn to fend for myself pretty early on, as I was an only child so I had to learn quickly how to make friends. I was quite chirpy and confident. But I was also quite lonely at times. But I had a very vivid imagination and I always had the best playtimes, even though I was by myself all the time. But I remember from a very early age that I had some very bad nightmares, and I had some very morbid fantasies. I remember dreaming about people and myself dying. I will never forget this one nightmare that I had, that I turned into my own little picture book and brought into school and showed my teachers. You have to bare in mind, that I was only 7 years old. It was about a family who took a ride in a hot air balloon. There was the mum and dad, a girl, a boy and a baby. Each one died one by one. One got struck by lightning, one touched a pylon, one burned to death when the lightning set the balloon on fire and one fell out of the hot balloon then the balloon crashed. I drew the deaths one by one with a little story underneath the pictures. I remember showing my teacher and she said it was very imaginative and she said I had to show the headteacher because it was very good and imaginative although it was sad. I remember showing the headteacher, and she gave me a special star and sticker. Now that I think about it, why didn’t anybody notice then that something might have been wrong with me? It’s not normal for 7 year olds to draw out their nightmares, surely? The nightmares were very vivid, even from a young age. I remember dreaming about drowning in a river, dreaming about falling down a deep hole and dying, stabbing people and people stabbing me and having very graphic sex dreams. I was under the age of 10.I also used to act out my barbie dolls having sex and being raped. I also remember drawing paper people. I used to draw school children and cut them out and I would act out them being murdered or running away from home. Is there something from my childhood I don’t remember? I don’t ever remember being abused, which these dreams may suggest, but I have no idea. Or was I always just simply messed up from the day I was born? I also remember thinking about if it was possible to kill yourself. And I would think about it in some length. I remember trying to stick a * into a * to see if I would die and tying a * around * and tried to * in my wendy house. Was this just a morbid curiosity, or did I have mental health problems from a very early age? I can’t particularly remember being depressed as such until I was 12 years old. I was very well behaved and I did have periods of impulsiveness even as a child but I was never disruptive. There was a couple of times where I played up at school and had a couple of bad reports (talking pre-high school here) but I always did well academically. I don’t know if it’s normal for children to have experienced this at such an early age and in such graphic and vivid detail. I’m beginning to think I was born this way rather than developing it as an early teen.