Was I born this way? (Triggering)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Butterfly, Dec 2, 2012.

  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Forgive me for my ramblings, but this is something I have been thinking about for a while. Did I develop mental illness or was I born with it? I was always a fairly happy child. I had to learn to fend for myself pretty early on, as I was an only child so I had to learn quickly how to make friends. I was quite chirpy and confident. But I was also quite lonely at times. But I had a very vivid imagination and I always had the best playtimes, even though I was by myself all the time. But I remember from a very early age that I had some very bad nightmares, and I had some very morbid fantasies. I remember dreaming about people and myself dying. I will never forget this one nightmare that I had, that I turned into my own little picture book and brought into school and showed my teachers. You have to bare in mind, that I was only 7 years old. It was about a family who took a ride in a hot air balloon. There was the mum and dad, a girl, a boy and a baby. Each one died one by one. One got struck by lightning, one touched a pylon, one burned to death when the lightning set the balloon on fire and one fell out of the hot balloon then the balloon crashed. I drew the deaths one by one with a little story underneath the pictures. I remember showing my teacher and she said it was very imaginative and she said I had to show the headteacher because it was very good and imaginative although it was sad. I remember showing the headteacher, and she gave me a special star and sticker. Now that I think about it, why didn’t anybody notice then that something might have been wrong with me? It’s not normal for 7 year olds to draw out their nightmares, surely?

    The nightmares were very vivid, even from a young age. I remember dreaming about drowning in a river, dreaming about falling down a deep hole and dying, stabbing people and people stabbing me and having very graphic sex dreams. I was under the age of 10.I also used to act out my barbie dolls having sex and being raped. I also remember drawing paper people. I used to draw school children and cut them out and I would act out them being murdered or running away from home. Is there something from my childhood I don’t remember? I don’t ever remember being abused, which these dreams may suggest, but I have no idea. Or was I always just simply messed up from the day I was born?

    I also remember thinking about if it was possible to kill yourself. And I would think about it in some length. I remember trying to stick a * into a * to see if I would die and tying a * around * and tried to * in my wendy house. Was this just a morbid curiosity, or did I have mental health problems from a very early age? I can’t particularly remember being depressed as such until I was 12 years old. I was very well behaved and I did have periods of impulsiveness even as a child but I was never disruptive. There was a couple of times where I played up at school and had a couple of bad reports (talking pre-high school here) but I always did well academically.

    I don’t know if it’s normal for children to have experienced this at such an early age and in such graphic and vivid detail. I’m beginning to think I was born this way rather than developing it as an early teen.
     
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    I know I never experienced anything like that as a child, the only dreams I remember having was one dream of cartoon people chasing each other, another dream was a house on fire and I was trapped in a room with a round window and couldn't get out, the only other nightmares I remember are of someone on a TV show being strangled and trying to talk to the cameras as it was happening and a dream of the family cat getting run over by an RSPCA van, all 4 of those dreams I remember I was crying from sheer terror when I woke up, not sure if they'd count as being the same sort of thing you've dreamt of as a child, but they're the only disturbing ones I can remember having as a child :hug:
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I can understand why you ask these questions. :hug: I don't know the answers...I think that the best people to help you untangle all the dreams, imaginings, and meanings is a therapist/pdoc.

    The debate over nature/nurture/both is long-standing and unresolved - with "evidence" available for all sides.

    My "opinion" is that in most cases of human psychology, we might have a "tendency" in our brain structure and in our inheritable personality traits...but there is leeway for our good or bad experiences to mitigate or deepen those tendencies. But I'm not a doc or therapist.

    Your nightmare about losing your whole family made me wonder if it was a combination of normal childhood wishes and fears - a conscious or unconscious wish for siblings and your fear that if anything happened to your parents you didn't actually have siblings and would be left completely alone. Again, finding resolution for what that dream means to YOU is best done with the help of a therapist or pdoc.

    Striving for happiness now, regardless of how good or bad we had it as children, might be the best avenue to take in life anyway. :dunno: What do you think?