Was it abuse?

[hellz_bellz]

I broke up with my ex over 2 years ago and the more I tell my friends stories from my relationship, the more people tell me I was abused. I still don't really know the answer to this question and I suppose in many ways I don't really want to know. Giving it a label won't change it so what's the point. I've never really considered myself a 'victim' but the more time that goes by the more my life is affected by what he did.

We were together for 2 years and we met a few months after I was released from a seven month stint in a mental hospital. I think the only reason I went out with him in the first place was because he paid me attention, and for those of you who don't know what it's like coming out of a mental hospital, you have very low self-esteem to say the least. He cared about me. He was protective and threatened other guys for looking at me. He hid my nice underwear and said that if he didn't like it or want me to wear it then why did I need it. He threw away all my short skirts and dresses and tights because they were too transparent. He checked my suitcase if I ever went away and asked me who I was trying to impress if I looked a bit nicer one day. Before I met him my dress style was outrageous to say the least, but after a few months it was plain and boring and virginal. He wanted me to not have had a sexual past before him but still be a kinky ***** in the bedroom. He forced me to have sex with him every night but sometimes I managed to get the night off if it was my birthday or something equally as pathetic. He hid my contraceptive pill from me for 3 months and the craziest part about that was that towards the end I began to hope I would get pregnant because then I could have a secret abortion and he would be so mad he would kill me. How sick is that? Not as sick as this...I went away for a couple of days to visit friends and when I came home he was waiting for me, he pushed me on the bed, ripped off my tights, stuck his fingers inside me, smelt it, and then said "just had to check you didn't cheat on me". He also forced me into doing anal. Although I'm not sure if you can call that rape. He told me I would enjoy it and if it hurt that he would stop. I eventually gave in as it was too much effort to argue (like most things in our relationship). Once he started it was so excruciating I was screaming for him to stop but he just kept saying he was nearly done. He also made me do reverse cow-girl when he was angry with me so he didn't have to look at my face. He called me a fat troll (even though I'm a size 10) and said I wobbled when I walked. The last time I saw him he barged into my house in the middle of the night, attacked me in my room (with my parents asleep next door) I called the police to escort him from my home and after months of abusive texts I got a restraining order. I haven't heard from him in 18 months and I am happy with the person I am now. It still affects me with trust issues (obviously), I'm not a massive fan of sex and if anyone tries to tell me what to do I do the opposite. God help any future boyfriend of mine!

Has anyone else gone through something similar or care to enlighten me on why people like this exist....

 

[Daphna]

Hello. Yes I would have to agree that what you went through was abuse. Praise Yahweh you survived and left with your life. The only way to overcome this is through forgiveness and I am sure this could sound like the last thing you would want to do, but it is the best for you. Not him.
You had asked why people like this exist...
We are all given free will and some of us choose to do some really messed up things to others. They say people who rape do it for control, and seeing his attitude and actions only prove it all the more. We are in this life with no real direction being taught to us. We aimlessly wander around and do things that make us feel good. We get angry at everything because of the confusion, and we all take it out on others or ourselves in similar and different ways. This is the way he, and others like him chose to deal with their anger, frustration, issues, and fear. I say fear because when someone believes that they have no control over their lives it is a scary thing. So they cling to something in order to feel as though they have control. The truth is...

 

[Daphna]

We do have control over-- ourselves. People do not seem to realize that by controlling themselves they have the power to control their situations and by doing so they would positively affect those around them. How do we gain control you might ask?? Knowledge on how we are supposed to be; how we were made, and what we are made for. There are answers to all of life's questions. I searched, I knocked, and I asked. And guess what? I was answered. I pray this has been of some help for you. Bless you, and know that it may not be an easy road, but it is the most rewarding.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Yes, this was definitely abuse and I'm glad you got out of such a horrible relationship and that you are doing better now. :hug: I can understand why you have trust issues, I have them too for a variety of reasons. But once you find someone you can fully trust, it will be easier to let down those defenses. I don't know why people like this exist. I wish there weren't assholes in the world...one of the many reasons I'm so depressed. It's not a bad thing if you do the opposite of what someone tells you. It's always good to be your own person and do what you want. I think your intimacy issues can be worked on, and you will have a healthy and happy relationship with someone in the future.

 

[JaneJohnDoe]

That's called being possessive and then there was also domestic violence... I'm sorry you had to go through that

 

[lelantgirl]

What he put you through was abuse on many levels.
I was abused as a child sexually by several men and also one of them abused me emotionally and physically too. I had a very abusive relationship aged 20 he abused me on all levels, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. I can identify to some of the things he did to you. He was controlling you and playing mind games.
Forcing you into sex is bad, I didn't realise it at the time but I was forced too and my fiance had very high sex drive and wanted sex alot. He raped me and hurt me.
I dont know why people hurt others.
They say abusers have been abused themselves, I believe that some have and some havn't. Some havn't broken the abuse chain and some people just seem to thrive on doing bad things.

If he forced you into Anal sex then YES it is RAPE and buggery and an offence. I am not surprised you have trust issues, I do too as all my relationships have screwed me up, better off on my own. I am not a fan of sex either as what its meant to be 'making love' with someone close and you love has got so distorted in the world and it all seems to nasty to me now.