Was it my fault? *may be triggering

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by some_random_name, Aug 19, 2016.

  1. some_random_name

    some_random_name Well-Known Member

    Was it my fault I was sexually assaulted? I feel as though it is. When someone tells me they were my heart drops but knowing I was makes me feel vulnerable. It's hindered me in life. People wonder why I'm crazy, why I'm paranoid. Well here is part of it. As a kid my assailant knew I wouldn't say get off me. I was in kindergarten for god sake. He didn't care. I'm sick of the life I live. I don't communicate with others. It's so damn hard to, in a sense. The assault didn't leave me like this it's knowing I'll never be quite the same after it. I've spoken to many people about therapy and I don't want it. I don't need it. I'm not breaking down, at this point I like to think I'm building up, my defenses of not being assaulted again but of being hurt.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, some_random_name. No! It was not your fault! You were a child, and a child cannot "consent" to sexual touching or more, is smaller than an older assailant, is not supposed to be hurt by someone who is older and a caregiver.

    It's great that you can see that you were young and "in kindergarten for god sake." That seems to show that you know it wasn't your fault. :)

    When something really traumatizes a youngster, that young person can develop a skewed view of the world because they were so hurt. Trauma damages a person's sense of the world and of other people as being "safe." It can make it hard to trust others, hard to speak up, hard to say how we feel about things, hard to feel that it's worth standing up for ourselves. The effects of a trauma don't always mean we are breaking down, but they can mean we're building up walls so "no one" is able to get in. It's important to build the right kind of defences - so that good people get in, but abusive people don't see us as vulnerable.

    Therapy is not always about a having a break down. It can be about working through feelings and perceptions of events so that we can (as you very clearly say you'd like to) build up and not be vulnerable to being hurt. A therapist can be an impartial sounding board - not a family member or friend who will worry or push - but someone who cares and who understands how the human mind works in response to good and bad things... and often, a therapist can help people to rebuild with a strong foothold.

    Again, you were a child when you were assaulted. It was not your fault in any way. Your assailant took advantage of your young age and inexperience. Not your fault!
    moxman likes this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    No. It is not your fault.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Thank you for sharing your story. I hate to see the horrible event you went through at such an early age. In my humble opinion; nope was not your faulty. Not even a tiny bit. It was that monsters. (To me, any male that sexually assaults or rapes ; is no longer a male but a monster)

    The way I read your story was , this awful event occurred in kindergarten (Where were the friggin teachers!!!!!) This may sound silly, but I am going to put it out there anyway. It is obvious you are still holding yourself accountable for what happened. Maybe you need to try and find a way to forgive yourself?

    What way could we help you more?

    Take Care
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    It will never be your fault. You were assaulted by a predator, plain and simple. I know you have trust issues because of this, but not everyone will hurt you. I know that you can't afford therapy right now, but please reconsider your stance on not wanting to go. When you are able to, then you should. I feel that it could help you deal with a lot of things.
  6. some_random_name

    some_random_name Well-Known Member

    When I am able I might
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I mean we can all listen and give you advice, but I feel like a professional will have the tools and experience to help you deal with what you are going through.
  8. some_random_name

    some_random_name Well-Known Member

    I will talk to a therapist eventually. If I can ever afford one. Yes I will. Till then this is my informal therapy. I understand you guys aren't professionals. My life isn't that bad. I mean I know I was touched but I don't feel bad. I know it sounds weird but I don't. Not anymore. I just wanted more then just me to know about it. I wanted to unleash it so my emotions aren't bottled up.
  9. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Have you considered maybe keeping a diary or journal as a way of letting your feelings out? My personal experience is that it really helped me a lot. Sometimes when we take how we feel out of heads and put it on a piece of paper, they tend to make more sense or more manageable.

    Maybe you could find a therapist that offers a sliding scale payment plan. Through different community organizations.

    Take Care
  10. some_random_name

    some_random_name Well-Known Member

    Yes I will take you up on that. I will continue my diary.
    moxman likes this.
  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You can continue to talk to us here anytime you want as long as it helps. I haven't gone through sexual abuse so I don't know specifically what you are going through, but i can listen and give the best advice I am able to.
  12. some_random_name

    some_random_name Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to get my story out. I don't have to much of an emotional hurt from it. I hate to say this but I forgot I was sexually assaulted until I came here then I remembered. I'm not sad or mad about it though. It didn't permantly harm me so my philosophy is just live on.