Was it my fault?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 19, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I would NEVER say this to another person who had been victim of any kind of abuse...

    But I've been trying to make sense of the sexual abuse I suffered in my life, especially since I have recalled even more...

    As far as I know the first time it happened I was 4 years old (had to perform oral sex on the guy)... but upon learning that my abuser has been babysitting me alone since I was a baby... who knows.

    At my first school when I was 7 a teenage boy took me to the woods near the school and tied me before he undressed me and touched me... he then left me like that and I couldn't get out of the ropes so I had to scream for help for ages until someone found me.

    In school I was several times locked in rooms with older students when I was between 7 and 10... there they would tell me to "show me yours and I'll show you mine", sometimes they would touch, sometimes there were more boys involved... one took my hand and put it into his pants, another ripped my pants off when I froze and didn't want to 'play'.
    One time they had taken another girl into the room as well... I tried to be brave for her and go first... I remember how she cried. I don't remember crying. I just remember freezing with fear sometimes.

    When I was 13 I lost my virginity by force... the young man had tied before, I had managed to pretend like it was nothing, but got out the situation. It was in a tent, and I told him I was thirsty when he tried to grab me... I didn't tell anyone though.

    The actual rape was very brutal. He lost his temper once he got started and I couldn't get him to 'wake up'. I even tried to talk sense into him as I was fighting for my life... I wasn't strong enough to push him off.

    Sex has always been difficult for me... I've mostly tried to avoid it. When I was 21 I ran crying out of a club when a man had kissed me.

    But I've engaged in BDSM since, as a sub... I think in a way to punish myself. My mother brought me up with physical and verbal abuse and punishment...
    I'd knowingly break rules to be punished and hurt. In a thing it was a form of selfharm by another hand.
    My ex 'master' was a disaster... he messed with my head so much. He chose to ignore safewords and would find me when I didn't want to be found... and then he pushed me into prostitution...

    I wonder if I somehow did something to deserve all this. I know I went into BDSM myself... and I know my ex 'master' (ugh I feel sick writing that) warned me he was dangerous and he was probably not the right one...

    and I know I was a kid the other times... but still... the teenager in the woods... I went with him. I remember feeling uncomfortable about why he wanted to play with a kid like me...

    I never told anyone what the boys did in school...

    I went into a closed room with the young man when I was 13, after he had tried once...

    And honestly... there must be something wrong with me for this to keep happening. I often feel like I have something bad inside...
    I watched a TV show called 'MisFits' and one of them gets a 'power' that when people touch her they immediately want to have sex with her... I feel like I have that... like something in me makes men do bad stuff when they get too close to me.

    Or maybe it's just my stupid boobs. They developed way too early due to hormones and weight. I can't go to a club or anywhere without having men trying to touch.

    My current boyfriend and I are in a LDR relation... the therapist asked me yesterday if that felt safer... for me I'm happy that's how we met, that we got to know each other for so long (over 18 months now) first... he knows my story, he knows my fears and triggers (which I also know if he against my belief is a bad man, he could use it against me). somehow I am still scared of the first time he's going to touch me...
    What if I really have that 'power'?
  2. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover both dead and alive until somebody opens the box

    it was not your fault. even with all those circumstances, none of it was your fault. even though you went into BDSM yourself, it still is supposed to be safe in the sense that your partner respects your boundaries. even though your partner said that he was dangerous and not to be trusted, you cant blame yourself. he was the one who hurt you. you can never blame yourself for not seeing warning signs, or ignoring warning signs. there have been times where ive ignored warning signs because i love the way i feel around the person. i feel loved and accounted for. and then they end up hurting me or abusing me or abusing someone i know. in the end, its still their fault for doing something bad, and not mine for wanting to feel loved. every human wants to feel loved, and thats not a bad thing.
    as for going in the woods, you werent able to predict the future, so you cant blame yourself for that, either. its his fault. hes rotten for doing that to a child. children are often raised being told to listen to adults and those older than them, especially since you grew up in an abusive environment, so its understandable that even though you felt uncomfortable, you went with him. and again, its not your fault.
    i understand why you never told anyone what the boys did. it doesnt make you a bad person and it doesnt put you at fault or to blame for any of their actions. abusers and rapists are tricky in that their actions can worsen if you report them, and it makes the whole situation very scary.
    none of this is your fault. its not your body's fault for developing like it was supposed to, and men should learn to keep their eyes and hands to themselves.
    as for feeling like you have this power, its understandable that you feel that way after what youve been through, but that would put the blame on you again, and its not your fault (im getting redundant here but i mean it). it will always be the abusers fault, and never yours. there was no provocation, mutual abuse, or invitation. there never is.
    stay safe angel <33
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    This is something I struggle with as well....the question of if I somehow caused the abuse and that being further complicated by the fact I also choose to 'get into' BDSM as an adult. I now realize that a lot of the BDSM stuff was a way that I continued the pattern of physical pain being associated with sex that started when I was being molested as a child. Logically, we both know this is not our fault -- children cannot consent to the things done to us --- but it gets all complicated because of the BDSM and the idea that maybe, somehow, you/I did 'make' someone abuse us.....all I can say is when I read your story, I do not see any blame that should be resting with you in regards to your abuse. It is easy to say that to others, as I am sure if I relayed my story of abuse to you, you would also tell me it was not my fault, but it is hard to believe it in ourselves. But, you did NOT cause this, deserve this. This was NOT your fault. You can take responsibility for your actions as an adult, such as the BDSM stuff, but understanding the connection between the abuse and the BDSM is important for you to move forward. It is not necessarily bad for you, but teasing apart the bad aspects from the okay ones can be tricky. Regardless of that though, the abuse was NOT your fault. EVER.
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  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you so much Sofie, and Undercover. I really needed to hear that...

    Honestly I never enjoyed the BDSM. I get how some would be perfect for that lifestyle... but I was too weak. I should have known better. In my case it ended up as more abuse, 'disguised' as BDSM.

    And yeah, I let it happen.

    I even make excuses for others when I shouldn't. I always knew that... and my therapist caught onto that as well. I think she wants to give me a better confidence and teach me to stand up for myself instead of giving everyone an excuse to treat me badly.

    And Sofie, I will repeat your words, it was not your fault either hun *hugs*
    sofie likes this.
  5. ALostSoul

    ALostSoul Member

    Rape and abuse are never the fault of the victim.. and if you believe that, the person who did that to you has won.

    You have met nasty and evil people.. and in the world, sadly, about 80% of them are like that.. there was once a study that asked people if there's no law or consequences.. I think 7 or 8 out of 10 they asked will rape, kill and murder.. it's the way human are..

    I myself are sick of people and will rather be with animals.

    Interesting you mentioned about BDSM, I got into it briefly.. but was deem too weak for a 'Master'.. haha. So no, not all BDSM are bad.. you just happened upon someone who like to abused women in the guise of BDSM.. especially when you said he ignored your safe word; that's one of the biggest no-no.

    It's bad the first time you were touched and all were terrible.. love, touching.. caressing etc.. were meant and made to be enjoyed.. hopefully when you and your BF meets for the first time and it happens, you will realised everything else you gone through before were not the real stuff..

    You are strong.. don't EVER blame yourself for the fault of others'
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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