I would NEVER say this to another person who had been victim of any kind of abuse... But I've been trying to make sense of the sexual abuse I suffered in my life, especially since I have recalled even more... As far as I know the first time it happened I was 4 years old (had to perform oral sex on the guy)... but upon learning that my abuser has been babysitting me alone since I was a baby... who knows. At my first school when I was 7 a teenage boy took me to the woods near the school and tied me before he undressed me and touched me... he then left me like that and I couldn't get out of the ropes so I had to scream for help for ages until someone found me. In school I was several times locked in rooms with older students when I was between 7 and 10... there they would tell me to "show me yours and I'll show you mine", sometimes they would touch, sometimes there were more boys involved... one took my hand and put it into his pants, another ripped my pants off when I froze and didn't want to 'play'. One time they had taken another girl into the room as well... I tried to be brave for her and go first... I remember how she cried. I don't remember crying. I just remember freezing with fear sometimes. When I was 13 I lost my virginity by force... the young man had tied before, I had managed to pretend like it was nothing, but got out the situation. It was in a tent, and I told him I was thirsty when he tried to grab me... I didn't tell anyone though. The actual rape was very brutal. He lost his temper once he got started and I couldn't get him to 'wake up'. I even tried to talk sense into him as I was fighting for my life... I wasn't strong enough to push him off. Sex has always been difficult for me... I've mostly tried to avoid it. When I was 21 I ran crying out of a club when a man had kissed me. But I've engaged in BDSM since, as a sub... I think in a way to punish myself. My mother brought me up with physical and verbal abuse and punishment... I'd knowingly break rules to be punished and hurt. In a thing it was a form of selfharm by another hand. My ex 'master' was a disaster... he messed with my head so much. He chose to ignore safewords and would find me when I didn't want to be found... and then he pushed me into prostitution... I wonder if I somehow did something to deserve all this. I know I went into BDSM myself... and I know my ex 'master' (ugh I feel sick writing that) warned me he was dangerous and he was probably not the right one... and I know I was a kid the other times... but still... the teenager in the woods... I went with him. I remember feeling uncomfortable about why he wanted to play with a kid like me... I never told anyone what the boys did in school... I went into a closed room with the young man when I was 13, after he had tried once... And honestly... there must be something wrong with me for this to keep happening. I often feel like I have something bad inside... I watched a TV show called 'MisFits' and one of them gets a 'power' that when people touch her they immediately want to have sex with her... I feel like I have that... like something in me makes men do bad stuff when they get too close to me. Or maybe it's just my stupid boobs. They developed way too early due to hormones and weight. I can't go to a club or anywhere without having men trying to touch. My current boyfriend and I are in a LDR relation... the therapist asked me yesterday if that felt safer... for me I'm happy that's how we met, that we got to know each other for so long (over 18 months now) first... he knows my story, he knows my fears and triggers (which I also know if he against my belief is a bad man, he could use it against me). somehow I am still scared of the first time he's going to touch me... What if I really have that 'power'?