Was it real or just my imagination?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by AngelofPainandMisery, Oct 17, 2015.

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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    When I was six something happened to me.
    When I was eleven I realized it was molestation, the memories were repressed to a very large extent, until then I didn't even remember it had happened.
    Over the last few years I have realized it was probably nothing, looking back I realized there was never the expected reaction when I would tell someone about it was "oh I'm sorry, moving on...." or "oh ok" my therapists never really saw it as a big deal either.
    I don't remember the first person I told, according to my parents it was a babysitter, who in turn told them.
    My parents told the principal, the principal called me in and asked about it, I told her some of it. Rereading the only physical evidence detailing what happened that I got from the principal when I posted a bad review on google about my experience at the private school ( it's a religious private school too), I wasn't believed because my story changed, which is funny because he was still threatening me, I guess that never crossed anyone's mind of course.

    A little background, in first grade I had no friends, I was alone desperate, and he decided to be my friend. He played house with me, then told me to "trust" him. He was at most a year or two older than me, he was a classmate. Which means whatever happened wasn't a crime, legally and in popular culture (Josh Duggar anyone?). If he was five years or more older than me or I was a pre-teen or teenager or if he was an adult, then it would be a crime.
    Doesn't matter that he threatened that he would kill me if I told, or that he threatened me with a pocket knife, or that he gave me a scar on my arm that I have to look at every. single. day.
    No, I was making it up of course.
    It was all my imagination.
    I was telling stories to get him in trouble or get attention.
    Somehow something had happened that would make me think this stuff did happen.

    Ever since that year we were in separate classes, he still bullied me, no surprise there.
    I stood up to him once in fifth grade, the year he left.
    I realized what happened to me in sixth grade, maybe that's irony.
    But what happened to me wasn't important, probably wasn't even real, I have PTSD from it I get sick every time I have to think of it. But its all in my head.
    Even if it did happen, its not a crime in any court, and I'm the only one who sees it as a significant event that destroyed my life. An event that destroyed my faith in authority figures, taught me I can't trust my parents, taught me how much of a victim and how easily gullible I am. Doesn't matter he took something away from me I'll never get back, doesn't matter that he destroyed my innocence and childhood. Doesn't matter he made me hate my own gender, or that I still live in fear that he will kill me still to this day.
    But who cares, it was all in my head of course, its not a big deal at all, in fact its perfectly ok and normal!
    So yet again I've been delusional, just more of my craziness and stupidity.
     
  2. I am so sorry. You are not delusional and it does matter you were traumatized and molested. It is rape it was him threatening you to do what you did. No matter what laws say it was rape and there is no doubt in my mind that it is rape. It wasn't consensual that means that it is rape (you were pressured/threatened into it). You have PTSD and you need to tell people (when this comes up in counseling) that you were raped and don't play it down.
     
  3. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    If your therapist isn't willing to go into detail and dig deeper with you on this -- you need to find another therapist.It sounds like these events traumatized your childhood... :(
     
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately I've also had a lot of therapists / mental health professionals downplay or not believe a lot of things that have happened to me. And I've seen this with a lot of people who see therapists. Or I've had this with even doctors. That as soon as they find out I have PTSD brush off my physical complaints. Memory is a funny thing. I also have multiple "views" of what happened to me / around me. I just decided at some point to say yes, any of these possible events could have happened or not have happened. the point is, it bothers me. It causes me to be paranoid, etc. And I have accepted that even if my memories are false that to my body there were / are real. And therefore they DO affect me as a whole. My next step is to determine how can I work with these things that have happened to me. How can I learn to live were I am now. Not ness deny that they happened, but be able to both accept and move on. And while I still get nightmares and flash backs and can't sleep whenever I remember the terrible things I've been through I keep trying to move forward. And have found alternative therapies to help me do so. No, they aren't a "cure" but they do seriously help me live a better quality life then it could be.
     
  5. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    Kiba, yeah, I've seen that as well -- I've never experienced it but when I think about how much I 've never opened up to a therapist... I realize THAT is the reason why, there is so much complexity, that they often get overwhelmed themselves. My therapist once told me that some of the abuse she's heard about has set her into depression, and she needs to see a therapist and go more frequently.... I haven't opened up about half the issues because I felt it would set her over the edge..
     
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