was talking to my friend...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shuddertothink, Jan 5, 2011.

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  1. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    He and i am practically the same person, we're so alike it's weird, so much so that we can tell what the other is gonna say next, and we like all the same things. You get the point.

    Anyway we started talking about how we were both erased from our families for the same reason, being gay, and the circumstances that lead up to it. I'm even talking about that, there is so much more to me than my fucking sexuality. He kept telling me, i need to get over being angry, and accept them the way they are, and who they are, and that i would feel better. I can't do that, not after all i had to go through. He pushed the subject so hard, that i started crying. Now i can't get all this shit out of my head, and i can't stop crying, i feel awful. I'm really volatile and i don't want to take it out on someone else, so i just know i'll end up taking it out on myself. I know how i am, even if i say i'm not going to, i will get all anxious and panicy and forget what i said, and do it anyway.

    I just want to take this xxxx, and all of my xxxxxxxxx and go to sleep, and not wake up.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are going through this...there are many members here who can relate to what you have written...please PM me if I can be there for you...J
     
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Has your family ever tried to contact you in anyway since you came out? Personally I don't think you should accept your FAMILY if they can't accept YOU to begin with. That's just pathetic. But then again, if my family rejected me when I come out I'd probly plan on killing them all. LOL, I'm a bit weird like that :) and anger can make me plan some scary shit.

    :hug:

    Edit: Feel free to pm if you want :)
     
  4. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    no they haven't tried to contact me, they haven't spoken to me in over ten years, they want nothing to do with me. They have written me off completely, i no longer exist. And i didn't "come out" i was outed by my sister. The only person in my family that speaks to me is my aunt carla, but she has her own problems, and can't really be bothered with mine. And my cousin Debra ran into me on new years eve, and spoke to me, but only because she was drunk, and hasn't been in my life much.

    Nobody cares about me, or whether i am alive or dead. I don't even care about me anymore.

    I have some dilaudid, and i am so tempted to just do it, and say fuck being in recovery. And once i am high i could OD on the ambien and suboxone, and go to sleep. fuck everything
     
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    They haven't spoken to you in over 10 years? If I were you, I wouldn't bother calling them your family. Possibly just a group of humans that have a close genetic structure to you, nothing more. :)

    How did your sister find out you were gay? Why did she out you? And how did this fold out(just curious - trying to get a picture of the situation)?

    What is your friends family life like? Fairly similar to yours? Because I don't think he should be saying things like "accept them they way they are and you will be happier". All I can say is that, that is complete bullshit. If your family can't accept you for being gay, FUCK 'EM! For fucks sake, IT'S JUST BEING GAY. People make such a enormous fucking deal out of who you like. If all they seem to think about is your sexuality then they seriously need help, and that says something!

    Is there any 'reason' that they don't accept you? Even though all 'reasons' for not accepting someone because they are gay is just dumb and people who make a big deal over it deserved to have their eyes cut out and eaten alive by a pack of apes.

    :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2011
  6. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    How did your sister find out you were gay? Why did she out you? And how did this fold out(just curious - trying to get a picture of the situation)?

    She found out i was gay because when i was living with her, one night after a party at a friend's house, her boyfriend seduced me, and we slept together. And it continued for a while, I know it's awful, but i didn't instigate it, and perhaps if i hadn't been high and drunk it wouldn't have happened, but it did. I eventually fell for him completely. Then one day he let it slip that he had sex with me, so they argued, then it was over. About a week later she and i had a big fight that started over a card game, and it ended with her throwing jason and myself out. so when i had my parents bring their truck so i could move she and i continued bickering back and forth, and she outed me for spite. I know what i did was wrong, but i really was in love with him, and he did live with me for a long time after.





    What is your friends family life like? Fairly similar to yours? Because I don't think he should be saying things like "accept them they way they are and you will be happier". All I can say is that, that is complete bullshit. If your family can't accept you for being gay, FUCK 'EM! For fucks sake, IT'S JUST BEING GAY. People make such a enormous fucking deal out of who you like. If all they seem to think about is your sexuality then they seriously need help, and that says something!


    My friend's family life is quite similar, minus the sister thing. His family erased him out of their lives too. His boyfriend even has the same prob. But rex is so like me, it's disturbing. I don't care what they think about me. I only wish i at least had family who loved and cared about me, because i haven't had anyone care about me since jason died. I am completely alone. no family or anything. And rex is in another state.




    Is there any 'reason' that they don't accept you? Even though all 'reasons' for not accepting someone because they are gay is just dumb and people who make a big deal over it deserved to have their eyes cut out and eaten alive by a pack of apes.

    if there is a reason i am not aware of it.
     
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I don't think you have to accept your family. In fact I think you would be far better ditching them completely and organising your own family. By that I mean your own circle of close friends who 'become' your family.
    I think that what you do have to accept is that you were born into that family and there's nothing you can do about that. You've got to accept that you were hugely let down by the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally. You've got to accept that because of their bigotry, you will never be able to have a relationship with them again.
    I think that's what your friend meant by 'accepting' your family.
    I had to make that choice with some of my family. Not for your reasons, it was a different situation but I had to accept who they were and that I couldn't have a relationship with them because of it. (They were liars and cheats basically, caused nothing but trouble)
    Once I'd accepted who they were, I was able to move on with my life. I've never regretted the decisions that I've made. My life became better once they weren't in it.
    So! Accept that your family were a bunch of narrow minded bigots and then move on. You don't have to have anything to do with them anymore.
    Stay strong and PM me if you need to.
    xxxx
     
  8. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    I do accept that they are bigots, and not worth me being so upset. But right now i need someone so badly, to help me get through this. There is no one. And the few friends i have aren't what i could consider family, because they're not that close to me.
     
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I agree, I dont accept my family either and you know its okay in this world. I just have to remember that I dont have to hate them and use up my energy on them either.

    Its hard for someone to be able to accept this that has a loving understanding family, but "family" is there no matter what, to love, to help, to comfort when needed and if your not getting that then its not family, not to me anyway.

    Have you looked into local support groups, Im sure there are many that have had to go through the same and got the same response as you.
     
  10. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    i couldn't sleep last night, so i did a little carving on myself. Today i feel like hell, and don't want to go through another day like this. I feel guilty posting here but i dunno why exactly. Some people don't take me seriously, but when i do this AGAIN, i am gonna try to do it right, and they'll see this is not attention seeking, or trolling. I have everything in order. I have what i need. So i am just waiting for the right moment, when i know there is no chance of being interrupted.
     
  11. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    have done support groups, but it wasn't for me. and someone being paid to give a shit, doesn't do it for me,
     
  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay but if you think about it, that's actually a completely different problem and nothing to do with your family at all.
    We all need someone and we all have times in our lives when we don't have someone. I think that occassionally we need to learn the lesson of being dependant on ourselves and not other people.
    You meet the sort of people who end up being family when you stop looking for them. Life's strange like that.
    I think the real issue is that you seem to be grieving. Did you say that Jason died? When did that happen and what happened? (If its not too painful to talk about)
     
  13. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    i have always depended on myself, it would be nice for a change to have someone give a shit about me
     
  14. What's wrong being a gay? I am a lesbian too and when my parents or friends make fun of me, I will hammer them.. Just be the way you feel comfortable with and ignore the negative and rude remarks from anyone.. Love yourself and please don't kill yourself. We (forum members who care about you) can be your family if you want it..
     
  15. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    that's not what i am upset about, i am upset that i have no family and no one that cares about me, that's all
     
  16. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Then you have to create your own family for yourself. Is it just immediate or can you reach out to some extended family.
     
  17. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    there is no one.
     
  18. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    i can't talk anymore right now. it's making me feel worse.
     
  19. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry, know that I care, anytime you want to talk just PM me.

    Know that there are people out there including me that will care and love you for you nothing else.
     
  20. Hi, i think you can use the live chat room to chat with some of the people in there about your problems and you might feel better. There are lots of jokers in there at times..
     
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