wasn't supposed to live this long....

all sorts of things going on now that just hanging around and not getting resolved yet or favorably.. this hurts me all the time now.. trying as hard as i can to get this taken care of but keep butting heads with the other people i need to deal with to finish this stuff..

also trying my best to be a nice, courteous person to these people.. hard to do when they just do not seem to agree with my point of view adn when one issue is made clear to them, they bring up two more ways they have gone to try to clear up together.. well long and short , this is a case of small monetary bills adn johnny's and mine pharmacy bills. i was a bookkeeper and person at boeing dealing with millions of dollars that i had to account for every frigging cent to the state, feds entitlement programs and the IRS. all was checked extensively adn i was never found to be in error. am one little titght assed son of a bitch.. way too OCD to fuck up..

moved up thru the higher levels each time fo their customer service department.;. now they have left me hanging and not doing their promised call backs. do i attempt to call again or just wait. i wait like shit..waiting cabilities of an infant child..

fuck it. i will get me and johnnycleanedd up before 8 am and then i will call them again..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajCYQL8ouqw the beatles and paul and let it be.. why oh why can i not just let it be ????

to try to engage my soul adn bod thsi mornign i put on couple of old beatles cds.. the time these songs were released was a very diffuclt time for me and all these songs did was take me back to that time..

i want to fucking hibernate for a month at least.. turn the world off rite now.. guess that means zoomies would have to hibernate also.. john does not slow down ever and i do not know how to hibernate!!!!

many of my real friends are in crisis situations.. need to get in touch with them and help the best i can manage at this time.. not sure i can do this..

i am in crisis also folks.. just have to swallow my own shit and do what i can. i have been doing this for 50 yrs or so now.. that is all i know how to do.. " and how are you doing today Jim?? i am fine " is always my answer.. hell, i call the crisis line adn i end up tryign to support and prop them also..

i am a worthless little old fart.. not worthy of anyone's help or caring.. i know this is not the truth but the programming that got rammed onto me the first 17 yrs of my life probably put my beliefs deeply entrenched for life it seems..

stopped smoking yesterday and all the shit got jammed at me... well few mintues ago i went to 7-11 and talked to sam the clerk whiel he smoked a cig out in the cold.. then bought 3 more packs of marlboro 100's .. failed in staying clean of cigs also..

well fuck it.. going to look thru the stacks of cds now. hopefully i can find one of my 2 upbeat, carefree ones and try to bury myself in nothing.. got to get my shit together now.. just gave johnny a hug and his morning cup of coffee.. in an hour will do breakfast for us and then the shaves, baths adn clean clothes adn get on with the day best i can... Jim and John

will be ok cause that is waht i do.. if you got this far in my rantings you got more patience than i do now..

 

i know what you mean - i can't let anyone i know see when i'm having problems - they wouldn't know how to handle it for one (someone heard me humming at my desk once then told someone else "at least he's not depressed any more"), and i'm afraid to for another - end result is that i just stuff it inside until something breaks

music is a curse and a blessing because it can affect us so deeply in ways that we can't always anticipate - an innocuous line is a song is fine one day but makes me break down on others

if i get caught in a music trap, i have to take steps to search for songs that are completely offbeat and irreverent

jonathan coulton is good - just songs about "stuff"

• skymall
• re: your brains (about office zombies)
• betty and me
• chiron beta prime
• tom cruise crazy

paul and storm are funny also

• the captain's wife's lament
• opening band
• six guys, ten teeth

and also an australian group - tripod

• king kong
• too many remotes
• gonna make you happy tonight

all these songs are odd - some are amusing - others may knock you on your ass laughing - most if not all are available online - or if you have pandora, you can set up a paul and storm channel

 

Working with systems like that is so frustrating. I have had to deal with the medical systems lately, and they are fortunate I have not gone off on them yet. I wonder if any of them think how they would want to be treated. Your son is so lucky to have you. And so glad you can find some respite in music...yes The Beatles and some other old school tunes can do that for me too...wishing you a better day

 

Hugs to you Jim god don't let them beat you down okay hun You are so worthy of kindness of compassion and care IT is they who are the worthless nothings not you hun never you

 

thank you very much sadeyes and total eclipse.. things almost resolved with our hmo.. got a customer service person early tuesday morning who this time had a brain that worked and was compassionate.. thank god..LOL

things much better later yesterday.. the old saying "This too shall pass" was the truth.. tc both of you.. Jim

 

I don't think anyone could ever dislike The Beatles… I'm sorry you associate them with hard times.

I don't really understand what you're saying but I wish you all the best in figuring out your troubles.

 

Hi Jim,

The title of your thread intrigued me. What made you come up with it? I ask because I relate...

When I was 21 I got it into my head that I had lived enough and that 'god' or the universe or someone was going to let me die. I put my entire life on hold, kept my apartment clean and spare, just waiting. And then one day, a year later, I realized, "Oh fvck me, I AM going to keep living."

I can't even begin to describe the weary despair I felt at the realization that I somehow had to pull it all together and make some sort of a life. I guess, here, I don't need to describe it though; it sounds as though many here understand such life-fatigue.

A few years ago I saw, in the mirror, a big fat gray hair. One of those horse-hair thick ones. My knee jerk, automatic thought was not, "Wow a gray hair" or "Jeez, I'm getting old". It was, "Thank god there's an end in sight". This wasn't even in one of my depressions. Behind the scenes, the fatigue, the strain just is always there.

Do you tell your partner about your struggle? Does he know? I tried, for once, explaining it recently out of desperation (it was a particularly grim time) and it was a mistake. Which is how I came to find you all.

DylanS

 

I'm sorry you're struggling, Jim Sending love and comforting energy.

 

Dylan, I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience reaching out to your partner. Yesterday morning my partner of 12 years told me that if I didn't "change" my depression, she "couldn't do it anymore". Of course, I was shattered. That afternoon, she called me from work and I asked her to try to view it in the same way she views her own fibromyalgia, chronic pain and recovery from multiple surgeries (which have put me in the "care taker" position for much of our relationship). I explained that like her own medical issues, despite doing nearly everything I'm "supposed" to do to feel better, there are times when nothing works, and sometimes I am incapacitated by it and that inconveniences us both. That really seemed to click for her. There is still so much we need to work through, and so much I don't know how to talk to her about, but it was a good start. I hope that your partner finds some enlightenment so that you can get what you need. Sending love and hugs.